Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

Part of the reason I don't want to get married is because I don't want everyone assuming I'm Mrs Hisname

Good luck with that! DP and I have been happily unmarried for many, many years. His family know we're not married. We still get cards and letters to Mr and Mrs Hisname.

Great post and clearly articulated. Thank you 👍

Your dh is being very rude
However I wouldn’t bother arguing with him
Send a message to the bride and groom and tell them your actual name
Tell them the only Mrs husbands surname is your MIL and you don’t want people to get confused about your actual name in the future.
Id stress how important this is to you re seating plans etc.

rsvp with your own name as well

ps It’s important to you, it’s your name, I have sometimes had this particularly with hotel bookings in both our names. I miraculously morf into being Mrs xxx even when I’ve made the booking. At school I was Mrsxxx, ( I ignored ) the bank puts my name second rather than alphabetically. The mortgage company ( even though it was my mortgage for ten years before I put dh on it ) suddenly dh name comes first. It really grates esp as my name starts with a D and dhs with a W.
We’re still not allowed equality are we!

I think he probably feels awkward to be honest. It can feel tricky to respond in a grateful way to an invite and then to correct something that they’ve got ‘wrong’. I’m also married and have kept my name and lots of people assume I have my DH’s last name. I think if I were you and it mattered to me, I would write a message to them a few days after my DH had graciously accepted the invite.

He's not awesome for changing his name. Women have been doing it for years no one says they are awesome when they do so. Just because he's a bloke doesn't make it special when he changes his name.

That’s right. I don’t want to time travel back to the dark ages, thanks. And I’m not interested in people who assume that because I’m female I want to be tagged as belonging to my husband, thanks.

🙄

Personally I think the rule should be if you want to invite someone to your wedding you should know them well enough to know their name

🙄?

Me! I don’t care if they use Ms or Miss but I will never, ever answer to Mrs (outside of France where it merely means adult).

I kept my maiden name for various reasons. If we were sent a wedding invite with just his surname, I wouldn’t care. What did piss me off though was his mum addressing cards to me as Mrs ‘his first name’ ‘his surname’. Like, married women no longer even have a first name?

Quite simple that, eh.

I don't think your counterpoint makes sense here.

She's not asked her husband to decry patriarchal naming conventions to the hosts. She's asked him to correct her name.

She's happy to be known by her father's surname because it's her name too. She's not happy to be known by her husband's surname because it's not her name.

At the last couple of weddings I've been to, the table plan has been forenames only. It's not a hill to die on.

Maiden name is such a hideous term. Men just have names.

Bachelor name? Should we call it that? So they realise how silly it is

I booked our honeymoon.

2 weeks of being called Mr Myname and he’s always corrected anyone that got my name wrong.

This.

It's a wedding seating plan. I wouldn't lose sleep over it

There’s my 2025 resolution. I’ll ask every man that introduces himself what his bachelor name was.

My fucking misogynist narc mother still insists on calling me Mrs Husband's First Name and Surname...even though legally my surname is still my maiden name. It was important for me to keep it as I was the first female born into my father's family for over 200 years...the surname is French, and extremely rare to the point that if anyone else has it I'm related to them.

I've spent 23 years telling her not to call me Husband's First Name, that I'm not male, she's the one who chose my fucking First Name so she knows full bloody well what it is!

My closest friend still addresses post to me as Mrs Hisname after nearly 25 years. I’m Ms Myname, always have been and always will be. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter to me, it’s words on an envelope.

Just correct it in the RSVP or send a quick text if the RSVP has already gone in without the correction. You will always get a few who insist on calling you Mrs DH on cards etc, even the odd person on your own side, believe it or not. You will even get cards sent to Mr & Mrs DH first name & surname! Best to rise above and ignore, but put your own name on anything you send them. I put my surname on any restaurant bookings I make for DHs side, then his parents invariably arrive early and are all confused if there’s no booking in their surname 🙄 gosh I wonder why?! 😂

I kept my name when I married and sometimes people call me Mrs. Husbands name.
it’s annoying but I don’t make a big deal out of it.
and I wouldn’t correct them if I was introduced incorrectly unless I thought it was deliberate

@TempuraCustard Actually he is, when you consider how many men add/change their name upon marriage. I personally don't know of any? He recognises the patriarchy of the tradition which is more than 99.9% of the male population.

Totally right. Who really cares. He was probably annoyed you made way more of this then needed and then cried about it.

Massive overreaction. Move on.

For the record I kept my maiden name and don’t care at all when family members ‘get it wrong’.