Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I agree with this.

I also think it's a bit odd that OP has welled up at her DH not correcting them when she has opportunity to contact them herself. If it's big enough of an issue that her DH should contact them then it's no biggie for OP to contact herself.

He's being unreasonable. It's so easy to point it out in a friendly way ("OP and I would love to attend! Just to clarify, her name is OP Fullname, in case you need it for any wedding stationery. Can't wait to celebrate you!") makes more sense for him to do it - he's their relative and clearly they don't know you well, so more potential for it to feel awkward!

Ha ha no, she's being invited as a fully fledged autonomous human, HTH

I would imagine most people, anyone who has a social circle, are quite aware that it's still very much the norm for women in the UK to take their father-in-law's surname.

This is such an interesting response - thank you for the food for thought. You're right in that the issue seems to be why am I bothered that he isn't correcting it.

I suppose i feel I'm having a bit of an uphill battle just now of having to correct a lot of people constantly. I'm talking about situations that matter here rather than insignificant ones - like in work where I need people to know my correct name to be able to contact me, and recently a very kind wedding gift was given to me as a cheque in the wrong name so I couldn't cash it.

I probably feel (rightly or wrongly) that it's my battle alone whilst my other half has none of the inconvenience and gets to watch on making jokes from the sidelines about it all (when this wedding invite came through, he waved it proudly, announcing me as his property as he knows that will wind me up in an lighthearted way).

A core part of our relationship has always been how we are a 'team' and face challenges together. You've really helped me unpack this a bit more :)

I didn't change my name on marriage and though DH would have preferred me to he certainly wouldn't press the point. I said how about informal mail (Christmas cards etc) coming to Mr & Mrs and I will keep my own name on everything else. It works well for us and I honestly don't think I would make a point about the wedding invitation.

This.

Also.. ltb

Dear God, you REALLY need this explanation?

She. Was. A. Child. when her fathers name was inflicted upon her.

I got married this year too and have also chosen to keep my surname. We have had several cards addressed to Mr and Mrs A Husband'sname. It's a mild annoyance but I try not to let it get to me .

😂

Get some printed stationary with your names on and hand write a reply

What on earth are you on about now?

I would imagine most people, anyone who has a social circle, are quite aware that it's still very much the norm for women in the UK to take their father-in-law's surname

I thank goodness I live in Australia then. Not one of my friends or peers at work over the years have changed their name.

She's not being invited as that though they literally don't even know who she is so they don't see her as a human. Just a plus 1

I agree with you @TheTingTings . It's your name. The wider family may not have realised you are retaining your name so if he has already sent the RSVP I would actually message the bride and just say something like thanks for the invitation but just to let you know I still go by (actual name) for when you do the table plan.

As regards Christmas cards etc maybe have some return address labels made up foe yours next year saying from Mr (his name) and (your name).

Read it. Think it through.

It is totally a non issue.
You mention in passing to the relative that you have kept your name. You still might get invitations to Mrs xxxx. Who cares?

The place setting will have your first name.

You be the one to write the, thank you for having us to your lovely wedding, note after the wedding and sign the note with both your names in full..
.

I welled up a bit as his reaction

🙄

Yes. You are being an unreasonable drama llama. The only one making a big thing about your name is you. It’s a wedding invite, not the deeds to your house. It’s a reasonable assumption that you took his name, wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I certainly wouldn’t create an issue over such an insignificant thing.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you’ve got such a massive chip on your shoulder about it?

It is depressingly, a minority, which is a sad indictment of the internalised misogyny women carry.

🙄

I'm Ms Toothbrush. DH is Mr Coffeecup.

Stuff gets addressed to Mr and Mrs Toothbrush. I take it as it is - an admission that they don't know us well. It's useful for spotting cold callers...

It's not worth the effort of explaining most of the time. Unless it comes up in conversation.

My name remains my name.

You'll have this issue forever.
I still get called Mrs. His name after 40 years of marriage. DH happily answers to Mr. Boffle. No one else is that interested.

FWIW I don't know another single person in my age group who didn't change their name.

🙄

Can you explain yours?

Her husband’s name, inherited from his father, is his……but her name, inherited from her father, is not hers and forever remains her father’s?

Surely you’re not one of those people who think women never have a name?

It's not about the couple who made the mistake.

It's about her husband not caring about something that matters to her, that is an important part of her identity, and that he is not willing to do the smallest amount of work and communication for her.