Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

Doesn’t matter, does it? If he wants them to share a name he can change to hers.

I know OP has logged off, but to those people insisting that OP is making a "fuss":

When I got married, our invites spelt my sister-in-law's boyfriend's name wrong. She messaged my husband (her brother) saying how excited they both were, and his name was spelt X (it was like a Catherine over Katherine). No fuss, no-one was kicking up a stink. Was just an easy change to make. Easy. Why is this any different?

(I know why)

I do appreciate that
However technically there’s nothing stopping women keeping their name, it’s actually much easier to do so and nothing stopping us naming our kids how we like
Society ….yes…I agree
Thats why it’s important OP doesn’t put up with people getting her name wrong

I wouldn’t and I agree I am surprised so many MNs don’t seem to think it’s that much of a big deal.

It seems some people are happy to be called whatever others chose to call them, which I find very strange

I’ve just recalled something that happened to me when I got back from honeymoon
I found my name at work had been changed to Mrs husbands surname.
Secretaries changed everything username, website, my business cards. They had emailed all my clients to celebrate the news that I was now Mrs Whatever.

Despite the fact all of my work colleagues ( all male btw) told them there was no way I would change my name.
The secretaries ( all female) thought that was ridiculous, of course I would, and thought it would be a nice surprise when I got back to work.

Assumptions !

ALL changed their surname. Yet a huge amount of posters on Mumsnet kept their maiden name (apparently!)

Are you suggesting that those of us who say we kept our name are making this up? Mumsnet has always been a haven for feminists. It's why I joined the site many years ago. So yes, there are perhaps statistically more women on MN who have kept their name on marriage than in the general population.

Of course it matters as that surname is not your surname. If they had called you Jane when your name is Ann your Husband would correct his relative, so why shouldn't he correct your surname ? His ego is the problem.

Omg. What did you do?

How awkward!

Kinell, has panto season started early?

Others are not expected to 'care'. They're expected to afford someone the most basic of courtesies: to address someone by their actual name.

It really isn't asking much.

Yes, it's her name. But it's her name only because she was given her father's surname when she was born. Her parents didn't give her a random surname - they gave her her father's surname.

The same is almost certainly true of her father. Why have you given him his own name with no caveats but not OP, what's the difference between them?

Someone gave her father that name too and so on...

Because she has had it her whole life and doesnt want to change it now. Where it came from is irrelevant.

Sums it up really

Yep!

If people want to take the view that a name can't be a person's without any caveats if it came from someone else before them, that's fine. If a little impractical. But if that's what one thinks, it's true of every single person who wasn't the first to ever use their surname. Not just the ones with vaginas.

So? It's her name. Just as the name also now belongs to any brothers she may have. If their family name is not assumed to be on loan until they marry, then neither should that of a female child.

There is no cultural or legal obligation for her to relinquish that name because she's chosen to commit to one partner for life. However.

Let's take this faulty logic to its nth degree, and assume (hypothetically of course) that the name does belong to her father. It would therefore be the name denoting her family past, her childhood, for better or worse, her character-formation, her history.

Why would she then discard that name in favour of another family whose history she does not share?

Either way it makes no sense and is faulty logic. As is the assumption that men own their names whilst women only borrow theirs, and are unworthy of having names in their own right.

The misogyny is strong.

I'm married. My title is Dr. For various reasons some people are insecure about using it. I don't mind this particularly. Ms as an alternative is fine. I will accept 'Miss' in that I use my own and not my husband's family name, meaning 'Miss' is more accurate.

'Mrs' is the title which, if used inaccurately for me, I will always correct.

Reminding bride to be: ok

Asking husband to remind bride to be and nearly crying when he says she can do it herself: a bit ott

What makes you think women are 'blindly following.' Most women are aware it is a patriarchal tradition, just most of us don't care about it. It isn't enforced upon us, if it was that would be a whole different story. I'm Mrs double barrel, I did that purely because I like my maiden name and the sound of my married name. It wasn't a fist shake at the patriarchy, because what randomers choose to call themselves makes no difference at all.

Yes, it's her name. But it's her name only because she was given her father's surname when she was born. Her parents didn't give her a random surname - they gave her her father's surname

Say the OP has a brother. Would the above apply to the brother? Does he own his name more than OP because men own names and women just borrow them from whichever man they are associated with at the time? This is always trotted out as some sort of lame 'gotcha'.

Of course it wouldn't be applied to a brother, just like it isn't to husbands or fathers. These caveats are reserved exclusively for women. And we all know exactly why.

Totally unreasonable i'm afraid: don' you think they have enough to worry about aside from a marginal naming issue. The wedding is not about you!!!

^They're expected to afford someone the most basic of courtesies: to address someone by their actual name*

But there are all sorts of occasions - and I’d argue that this is one of them - where someone is only using your name ad it more courteous than referring to you as “someone who’s there because of someone else”. I got used to being referred to as “Mini Wimpole’s Mummy” when DD was at preschool, but at school they were a bit more formal and called me “Mrs Hat”. My friend, whose DD has his wife’s surname, is well used to being called “Mr Wife’s Name” at school. Because that’s his DD’s name and they’re just trying to reciprocate the level of formality that demands that he calls the teacher “Mrs Jones”. Ultimately, his name is irrelevant in that context because he’s just there as “X’s dad”. And it’s a bit the same with weddings. I’ll be down as “Wimpole Hat” because it’s more polite than referring to me as “Mike Hat’s wife”, or “Mike’s plus 1”. And that’s likely as not what’s happened here. No disrespect intended - it’s just that, in this particular context, OP is not a particularly important piece in this particular jigsaw.

When I married back in 2008 and continued to use my actual family name, this was precisely what I thought.

I've been quite surprised, not only by the level of the pushback I've received, but by its vehemence. I've received very rude responses when I've politely asked for the title of Mrs to be changed on various computer systems, as this is not my title. I've received 'computer says no' responses to the conflict between the status of 'married' and lack of a 'Mrs' title. (Titles are a PITA, BTW, and I can't see the need for them). I've seen my name default to DH's name, and it's been assumed that he was the one with the Dr title when I have this and he doesn't. I've experienced open rudeness and a refusal to acknowledge either my name or title by in-laws.

It's the 21st century. I genuinely believed that by this time no one would give a shit. I similarly couldn't care less what others call themselves: if for some unaccountable reason a woman chooses to take her spouse's name then it's hers, and I find the assumption that she will hand it back to its 'rightful' owner in the case of divorce equally bizarre.

But you can believe me when I tell you that they care. They care a lot. Your guess is as good as mine as to why. But it's interesting to note that the pushback is coming almost exclusively from other women.