Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

You wouldn’t reflect on the inaccuracy of your assumption?

You don't know these people well enough to contact them. It's a safe bet they will have no other reason to contact you in the future. Christmas cards are dying out, we've got less than 10 and the envelopes went in the bin, the inside say to Sue and Bob. I'm guessing they don't know you well enough for you to exchange birthday cards either given that you feel you can't contact them yourself. So they won't care what your name is. Neither will anyone else at the wedding.
In this post you imply it's not a big deal but in the first post you were welling up? Why were you welling up?

DH and I are in the same situation as you. Married, no kids, never will, and I kept my name.

We do get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs DHSurname and it doesn't bother me. I am Mrs DHSurname in a traditional sense, it's just not a name I use on a day to day or formal basis. If we had a wedding invite that said Mr & Mrs DHSurname I wouldn't be bothered.

I am, however, always VERY bothered if we get a card addressed to Mr & Mrs DHFirstname DHSurname. That one does piss me off.

DP and I aren't married, and if we were, I wouldn't take his surname. However, we've been together for over 20 years and a lot of people just assume we're married so occasionally we get invitations etc addressed to Mr and Mrs DPsName. It's a non-issue in this context and I really couldn't give a shit. If I did give a shit, I would ask for it to be corrected myself, not whinge to my DP and ask him to sort it.

If it was something official or important, then obviously it needs correcting, but a place card at a wedding? Just let it go. It's a seating plan, not the deeds to your house ffs.

I suspect she's welling up more at her newish husband's snarky response to her rather than the actual situation.
OP you've known him a long time, has he changed since you got married or perhaps the wedding was a stressful time? Only you know if this is a blip or a sign of changed behaviour.

In the fray of organising a wedding they may have forgotten that you are retaining your surname. No they shouldn’t have made that mistake but you would be rather conceited to think your surname being correct on the place card is a big deal. Who cares just sit there, eat the food, drink the champagne and have a jig about - you know just enjoy being invited to someone’s wedding.

If they carry send post addressed incorrectly tell them then, pick your battles

If a member of my family spelt dh's name wrongly I would feel it's easier for me to be the one to tell them. If it's a member of his family, won't it be easier for it to come from him?

Update:

DH brought me an unprompted snack later on last night, which I know is his way of breaking the tension. Things went back to normal after that and we agreed before bed to have a proper chat today which I appreciate.

The issue wasn't about someone else getting my name 'wrong'. It was that my husband dismissed something he knew really mattered to me as unimportant in quite a harsh / unexpected way, and then retreated. The fact it was my name rather than something else is actually kind of irrelevant now I think about it, although the name thing is probably particularly sensitive as I'd underestimated the amount of effort it would take for dealing with it constantly being wrong the last few weeks. I imagine in a years time I'll be over it and won't care, but it's a bit raw just now in this adjustment phase. I really appreciate the people who managed to grasp the real root of the issue as it helped me know I wasn't totally losing my mind!

Of course I could be the one to correct the name myself - wanting my husband to do it wasn't because I'm not willing to stand up for myself, it's because it was his family who I don't really know and I thought it would be more jarring coming from me. I correct anyone in my wider family who gets his name wrong (not uncommon). I've also reflected on how we've got into a pattern where I'm the one who picks up all life admin tasks for both sides of the family (buying gifts, RSVPing to stuff, making plans to see family, 150 wedding thank you cards...) and think this was an underlying factor in a nerve being touched.

I'd had a manic day at work yesterday and was really worn down and so totally recognise I was less in control of my emotions that normal. My reaction was a slight eye watering, not actual tears and snotters - but still. A lot of replies helped me find a bit of perspective which is appreciated.

Anyway - we are going to chat properly about it tonight and I'm sure will find a way forward with how to deal with this. I really like the idea a few people have mentioned of sending out stationery with our names as part of Christmas cards. Ultimately I don't really mind if people still get it wrong, it's that my husband shows willing to support me in it.

I'm I watching now but thanks so much for all the replies - even the bonkers ones about father name / husband name and those thinking this is all an anti-man mission, as they gave me a laugh if nothing else 😂

*unwatching

Generally women who chose not to be Mrs his name are staunch feminists, so it seems odd that you need your DH to defend you on this. Do it yourself.

I, too. And I do care. As does OP, more significantly, which is the reason why she's posting. This point is therefore irrelevant to the thread.

People aren't going to closely read the seating plan, they look for their own name and table number. Is it possible he doesn't want to cause a fuss? And yes that does mean he doesn't see this as worth causing a fuss over, but the details of why he thinks that could be important. He might be seeing it as most PPs are as not mattering because it's just a bit of wedding stationery that most people pay no attention to. Whereas you're seeing it as a catastrophy that will undo all the work you've put into making this clear to people. Also people tend to not want to upset the bride and groom, their day and all.
I dont know if he's unreasonable here, I do know that although I took my husbands last name when it was written down as us being introduced as Mr and Mrs his first name his surname that made me feel like I was disappearing and there was no way they were leaving my first name out, so I understand if that has the feeling for you, but that was my own wedding and if someone had invited us that way, i wouldn't say anything about it because of what people are saying, that's its just a bit of wedding stationery, it's transitory, it's their day.

I only think he should do it as it's his family and they might actually give a fuck if he asks as they clearly don't now it just affects OP

I see what you're saying. I deliberately chose "people" as it shouldn't matter either way but you're right. Absolutely right

It's not a fuss. It's just a by the way I/OP goes by Ms Thing

Christ to you too - she's making a huge fuss over nothing. There is a time and place to mention she'd kept her maiden name. Making a fuss over a place setting card is just plain ridiculous. 'Precious' comes to mind.

If you can't see it's making a fuss, maybe reflect on that?

I'd be embarrassed to even bring it up with a couple so busy doing the wedding prep.

Seriously.. a thanks for the invite. Ps. Op is Ms Ting. Isn't a fuss. It's a by the way

It's not a huge fuss
It's not nothing

This is why numerous women keep posting these threads on Mumsnet and even more numerous other women keep coming back with the banal rejoinder that they 'couldn't get worked up about that', or telling everyone how happy they were to take their husband's name. It's an attempt to put other women back in their box.

The point isn't trivial, and doesn't deserve to be constantly dismissed (because if it's an issue affecting only women then it must be trivial by default). It matters.

No one should be put off the idea of being married - if that's a commitment you want to make - on pain of the assumption that you'll cast off your identity by virtue of being female, or if you fail to do so you're some kind of man-hating bra burner. Cue snidely being addressed by a name you've never used, informed that you don't 'respect' your husband, or eyerolls and mutterings of the word 'feminist' just so petty people can make some kind of cheap point.

If you (not PP, generic 'you') are amongst the ones telling other women they have no right to their personal preference of identity, that it doesn't 'matter' if they are addressed by an incorrect name, then you are (deliberately?) contributing to the problem of casual, everyday misogyny.

As for 'causing' issues, or 'calling out' an error, are people really so coy and sensitive as to thinking a simple correction is on a point on which someone is likely to take gratuitous offence? After all, you're claiming these things don't matter, right?

Absolutely.

Very easily. It isn't only her father's name. It's hers.

Names are not on loan to women from men.

Personally I'd let the place card issue go. But maybe you should have a conversation with your husband. Is he really as onboard with your non-name-change as you think?

I feel he’s in the wrong here as you both did agree that you were keeping your name. But if it’s just a random one off argument at the end of a long day it’s not necessarily a huge concern - maybe he was tired too and it made him unusually irritable.

Id approach it another time when it’s not at the end of a long day, and just say again that it made you upset because you’d agreed to keep your name so it should be changed and whilst you can tell them yourself it would look a bit odd for you to respond to his family so it would be nicer if he did it. If he is still stubborn about it I might be tempted to just make the point that it’s not about the wedding card itself - a small thing really - but just that it makes you feel bad when he doesn’t help you out on a thing that your both agreed on etc If it were me anyway that’s what id be more upset about - a couple should support each other; over little things as well as big ones. But don’t let it become a mountain.