Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

It should not be a big deal for your husband to add a little note saying something like, "btw, just so you know, my wife has kept her name, and is Ms Firstname Lastname"

Equally, it shouldn't be a big deal if, among everything else they have to organise, this doesn't make it to the seating plan, and you're still on that with your husband's surname.

I've tried several times and my Dad still can't get the spelling of my OH's first name right. So I've given up. But at this stage it's more of a him thing rather than one of my willingness to correct him, and my OH knows that.

Jesus I bet your husband feels flattered 😐You're that determined that nobody refers to you by his name that you're considering getting a wedding invite officially changed.

And you sound very entitled to assume that everyone must know what your surname is.

Goodness Starlight, the right to a name is literally a human right; there's nothing princessy or entitled about wanting people to know who you are!
If my dh had been fussed about me not taking his name I would have known he wasn't the right man for me to marry.

I'd just tell them myself if it bothered me. Problem solved.

As an independent & modern woman it's not up to my husband to 'manage' anything on my behalf.

If my username isn’t a clue, I started a thread some time ago because my own aunts insist on referring to me as Mrs Hisname Hisname. They’ve literally known me since birth, and DH for 20 something years. They were at our wedding where it was clear I wasn’t changing my name. They’ve been upset that I’ve been unable to cash cheques made out to Mr + Mrs Hisname because we don’t have a joint account and that isn’t my name anywhere. They’ve know that DD has my surname, and manage to remember that.

I’ve asked nicely, now I just send stuff back as “nobody of that name at this address”.

I get that. But this is one wedding invite. Not an on-going problem. Literally nobody will pay the slightest bit of attention to what someone's surname is on a seating plan or taking note of it!!!

I generally find that the appropriate response to a minor social faux pas is to ignore it. Getting back at someone for something like this is almost as rude as the initial mistake. Especially when they're probably stressed out enough by the wedding plans as it is!

Goodness WaitingforStrike I don't think there is any need for the "human rights" dramatics.

My surname was changed when I was in school to my dad's surname when him and my mum got married. I was still called by my old surname by friends and teachers.

My mum changed her surname back to her maiden name when they got divorced and she still got referred to by her married name for years after this.

It's a wedding invite FFS, not an official document 🙄

You don’t know it won’t create a long term problem.

My aunts clearly didn’t pay attention to the bride in my case!

Yeah, it’s cool for all women’s names to bounce around all over the place depending on which male they’re being associated with, right? No individual woman has the right to assert her own name. Heavens forbid.

A long term problem??? Jesus some people on here.

Ok OP, you contact the bride and groom and inform them of their mistake if it bothers you so much and you think every other person at the wedding is going to jot down your (incorrect) surname for future reference 😂

FWIW not once have I been at a wedding with a seating plan and taken notice of anything other than where I am sat but clearly I'm in the minority.

DD has DH’s surname as a middle name. All forms completed put it as a middle name. Her air cadet squadron decided she must be double barrelled (and as they get called “Cadet Surname it was being used multiple times a week). She put up with it for a month or two before eventually deciding that her discomfort was worth correcting them. At 13, she told her commanding officer he had got it wrong. He apologised and corrected it overnight.

And yet grown adults would presumably “put up with it” so as not to make a fuss.

Oh FFS, who the F gets married and still calls themselves MISS?
NO-ONE, that's who!

Me. Well, I don't call myself Miss, but I have used Ms since I was 20 years old. Married or unmarried. I will be Ms BirthSurname until I shuffle off.

At a seating plan you do look at all
The names to find yours and I'd definitely spot that soneone had the wrong name and thibk "I sm sure I had ting ting down as keeping her own name" and double check it.

In my case we are not married so I'd definitely want it corrected so people didn't assume we have married and not told anyone.

In my case I get cards with me and mrs his name even from people who are connected to me on Facebook! Most of his side got for the safer -mr x and my first name. I have reminded partner to tell his mum to stop calling me mrs his/their surname. I don't find it cute and "it's like you are one of the family" -I can be that without the same surname (I mean her daughter uses another surname now married)

I don’t think it’s a non-issue. I kept my original surname (hate the expression “maiden” name) until my kids went to school when it was easier for us all to have the same surname (regret changing it). This sort of thing used to piss me off no end. It’s a small, but to me important, sign of the patriarchy. It’s not your name, and it’s fine to tell people that and to let them people know what your name is.

Why was it easier to have the same surname when the children were at school? DS has both our surnames and we’ve never had problems around that. At his last primary somewhere between a third and half the kids in his class had both parents’ surnames.

Even the ones who are missing the point are mostly saying OP should be taking the lead to sort it out if it's an issue for her, not asking her DH to do it.

Her complaint was not so much about the error, but that "husband wont correct my name".

She is not unreasonable to want it corrected, but she is unreasonable to expect someone else to do it.

Presumably her child only has dad’s surname.

Yes, but I’m not sure why that would create any problems either?

You should maybe move to France OP. They use your birth/maiden name for everything. Fairly puzzling when I haven't used that surname for over 40 years!

Also, very inconvenient when verifying your identity for any legal purposes (e.g. buying/selling a property). It's great that so much of this can now be done on-line, but a PITA when you are trying to get something done quickly and all the electronic documents arrive with your maiden name and therefore don't match your ID.

I'd feel really awkward replying to a wedding invite with a nitpicky correction and if I'd sent the invite I'd think he was a bit of a dick for the correction too.

I fret about getting things like this right and would much rather you pointed it out than let me going on getting it wrong. So drop them a line.

Your husband’s response isn’t great. It’s such a small request. He sounds a bit weak.

Reminds me of an invite I got years ago we were married and the couple were probably at our wedding . The invite that came addressed to husbands name and friend. Not Mrs not partner . I didn't go I know it's petty .

Why though? It's not her name? If I was a bride this correction wouldn't bother me in the slightest! On the other hand, I'm not married yet and I was called Mrs OH I wouldn't bother changing it!

I'd want to know - in a family, knowing someone's correct name/being corrected on it shouldn't be a problem, anyone making an issue of it is the one being rude.

And as to it not being noticed, as it's just a guest list - I dunno, family weddings I've been to, lots of people pitch in, if the name is wrong on that list, then that wrong name will be the one lodged in cousins and aunts heads forever, and you'll never shake it lose.