Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

The issue is that if you don't correct it, it keeps happening (and a wedding is where lots of people will potentially see it - eg on the seating plan)

My son has a different name to me and his brother, and I have to make sure I correct whoever's name they get wrong (generally depending on who they meet first) because otherwise it gets out of control - eg he has qualification certificates in the wrong name, because for some reason, despite correcting more than once, the school still entered him under the wrong name (and to be clear, it is the wrong name, this isn't me changing his name part way along)

@TempuraCustard Or how about women raise the bar and stop blindly following patriarchal traditions?

The issue is that if you don't correct it, it keeps happening (and a wedding is where lots of people will potentially see it - eg on the seating plan)

It keeps happening if you do correct it. Our silver wedding is next year and people still call me Mrs Hisname. Mind you, he’s been called Mr Myname so often he just answers to it now. We’ve given up, it’s a minor thing to get annoyed about and it doesn’t change anything if you do.

You're making a massive fuss about this. They made an error and you're the one it bothers. It's simple to fix, so fix it.
Fwiw I'm married keeping my own name but regularly receive eg Xmas card with Mr & Mrs Hisname ... literally cannot muster the energy to point out it's mr hisname and Dr ribiera.
You name isn't the top of the brides worry list, it sounds like it is yours and if you're getting this her up you need to have a long hard look about what it says about your self identity.

That too

Read it again.

How many men spend even a nanosecond considering changing their names when they marry? A tiny, tiny proportion because it isn’t expected/questioned in our society.

It is absolutely expected/assumed that women will, that children will have their father‘s surname and that mum will go part time after having them (assisted by the ever present gender pay gap which means it “doesn’t make sense” for men to reduce their working hours in the vast majority of cases).

The reaction here about a woman daring to be upset that she is being referred to by her husband’s full name shows you the societal pressure on women.

I didn't keep my maiden name. I kept my name. Full stop. You don't tell blokes they've kept their bachelor name.

OMG.

Yes I think you are overreacting and your DH would be a bit embarrassed to correct it. Let it go and casually say to the family member that you have kept your surname when you see them.

Yeah. It’s not some kind of ‘starter name’. It’s just a birth name. Like men’s.

Absolutely, the reaction is quite something. If it was just a simple case of "they've got my name wrong so I'll correct it" that would be one thing but it's not is it. OP has had to question if she's being unreasonable to ask her husband to ask his relatives to get her name right. No shade on OP here at all BTW. It shouldn't even be a question. There should be no pressure. It shouldn't be a big deal to say "hey by the way my name is "Ms Xyz" or whatever. But it is because people just can't get over it being OK for it to be important to get someone's name correct. It's not something people should just have to ignore and put up with because they know by Mrs ABC they mean them.

What is embarrassing about it? Genuinely, I'm interested to know why someone would find this embarrassing.

If my name was Tracey but people invited me and called me Casey I don't think people would object to that being corrected?

Because everyone knows that men are the dominant sex and should have all the recognition and power. If their women have opinions and make decisions to maintain their own identity, it means their penis falls off and all power is gone

Oops I'd better go check on my husband

By the way don't know if anyone else has commented but fully appreciating your username!

Don’t worry. Mine is still intact, despite my not changing my name 20 odd years ago.

I agree with everything you've written except in the last two lines where you say "people" you really mean "women" - I think it is accepted that men's names should be correct! It's just women's that aren't as important, as seen by the pressure to drop them.

I for one see the irony of expecting a man to speak for his wife in asserting her refusal to follow patriarchal norms.

And if you say ‘it’s just etiquette because it’s his side of the family’ then that applies equally to the original invitation. The OP and her husband are also-ran guests at someone else’s wedding. It’s embarrassing to kick up a fuss about a minor issue that was not intentionally rude.

Same. But as we are the minority the fear amongst others that this is what happens is clearly still driving the “married woman = man’s identity” trend.

It’s interesting how slammed the OP is getting on here with on the one hand posts telling her “it’s no drama” and she’s overthinking it, and then others asking her to consider how her husband feels, how “embarrassing” it is to correct a name, how selfish she is for considering it. So people want her to recognise it is no big deal for her to go by his name, but it IS a big deal for others in the DH side of the family to use her actual name.

It just goes to show how unsettling people find it when a woman goes against the norm by keeping her name.

If they had used the wrong first name and called her Lucy instead of Ting, would people still be telling her to suck it up for family harmony? Or would they say, it’s a distant relative making a mistake on the plus 1, of course they would want to include the correct name on the seating plan.

Make this make sense. What has that got to do with anything? That’s shit for them sure.

Whataboutery is really, really daft. “Don’t be upset about that thing that is upsetting you, here’s a totally random other terrible thing that’s happened.”

I think the context matters here. It’s their wedding day and a huge deal (emotionally and logistically for them). OP has been invited only as a courtesy to her DH as she is his wife. So it does look incredibly picky for him to start fussing with relatives that he maybe doesn’t know that well/see that often. Because - in this situation - nobody cares what OP’s name is. She’s there as “DH’s wife”. In a different context - eg a professional event where there would be people she knows in her own right - absolutely fair enough. But then she’d be in a position to do that herself.

This is exactly what I'm mindful of!

Those posters saying "It's just a name" are totally missing the point. We're a Mr and Ms D-B (both added on). That decision for the both of us was certainly more than "just a name" and yes, I do correct people if they make assumptions.