Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I’d be tempted to rsvp from Mr and Mrs Your Surname and see how he feels about having the wrong surname on display to 120 people.

But I’m in a petty mood tonight

The table plans I've seen don't include surnames, just first names 🤔

When i got married some genius in the venue automatically put all the women's names with the male partners surname. So John Black and Susan Jones read John and Susan Black. Every single one of them. None of my friends were married and not all were established couples, some were just plus ones. A couple of people joked to me about it afterwards, I was annoyed but just got on with it, it's not an issue. I would hope people just accepted the error. In the overall scheme of things it's not worth getting upset over.

Yes OP
How do you feel about your dh not taking your name

I didn’t take husband’s surname so I understand where you’re coming from to some extent. Sometimes people aren’t sure what to put eg on cards and things so they use his surname. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just on the odd occasion, no offence is meant, and I don’t really spend any time thinking about it. If I’ve understood right, this is your DH’s wider family. Not sure if it really matters? For me it matters the most between my DH and I, and for work. I guess it’s different for everyone but I think maybe you were tired at the end of a long day x

It’s really, really not that deep

I do understand that it’s important to you. I use my maiden surname married 21 years. Husband calls me by surname or a slight twist on it.

Invited to a work colleague wedding (they didn’t know I don’t use my married name) just assumed he was Mr Nottodaty - same with the table names. It’s happened the other way around to - doesn’t bother me.

My Mum who knows I don’t use my married name booked a holiday in my married name - annoyingly costed money to fix.

If I wanted it corrected I would sort it out myself - but to be honest not really bothered. I prefer my name but accept people just assume I have my husband name.

I remember getting a birthday card addressed to Mrs Husband's first name/surname name and that pissed me off! I took his surname when I married, not his first name too. Still have that surname (well he wanted me to have it so badly because my old surname was too common according to him) so I'm keeping it! My DS has that surname too, despite being nothing to do with him. (Apparently this means my ex-H will have PR, which is bollocks.)

Oh come on! What has her name to do with him? His feelings on her name are actually irrelevant. We may as well ask what are her feelings on his name! It is 2025, almost!
Women have been retaining their own names for decades . It’s not some new-fangled thing that infers the husband is a poor henpecked thing with an overly spirited wife.

😂

Honestly I don't even understand why it bothers you. And I am saying this as a married woman who also didn't change her name.
To take it further I think you are perhaps even rubbing this in your husband's face (again presumably) - that it would be such a big issue if he had wanted you to perhaps take his name.

I mean, the guy doesn't care as you said, and he respects your wishes.
And now this small misunderstanding on a random card? And you are acting offended to be confused with someone carrying your husband's name? I mean what is the worst case scenario - someone at the table may assume you are married? Oh wait - you are.
Honestly - I wouldn't mind, in fact I'd be proud to show up, I'd look at that as an opportunity to show my husband that I'd be proud carrying his name (although I am obviously prouder carrying mine - and he is ok with it).
In summary I really don't understand your point, sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is helpful to know - thank you!!

Kindly, I think you need to grow up. You sound like those idiots that insist on everyone remembering what gender everyone is supposed to be these days.

Let it go...

Good lord if this is your biggest problem in life good for you. It’s a wedding place card, not the new years honours list.

I kept my last name (married 15 years) however sometimes I’ll get called Mrs HisName and sometimes he’ll get called Mr MyName. If it’s someone we interact with a lot I’ll correct but otherwise we just go with the flow. 99.9% of the time people use my correct name, I’m not going to sweat the odd time it’s wrong.

if you’re that bothered then RAVP with hi engaged couple, we’d love to come to your wedding. By the way I didn’t change my surname when me and DP married so I’m still blah last name.

I couldn’t bring myself to care about this. The wedding couple/family are obviously enjoying being super formal and why not let them. When you sit down I assume you will just introduce yourself by your first name anyway. What surname you use hardly matters.

You've totally nailed what I was trying to get across, thank you :)

Why don't you just text the relative yourself? Would be much easier.

Just fill out the RSVP yourself and refer to yourselves as Mr & Mrs [Your surname].

But, even if I keep my maiden name at marriage - which I would - it wouldn’t offend me if people used my partners. Because not taking his name is everything to do with me, and nothing to do with disliking or not associating with his name.

Often in hotels we get called Mr & Mrs myname. It’s not that deep.

Partly, because I don't really know the family members that well, and so I actually think a text coming out the blue from me might make the whole thing seem a bigger deal than a much more casual message from him.

Also partly because I feel (rightly or wrongly) that it's his family and so he should be the lead in sorting things out in most situations..

Also, when my family have got his name wrong in the past (his name is a nightmare to spell) I've been the one to make sure they know the right version for next time, as I think it's respectful of me to do that instead of stepping back and leaving him to continually do it with people he doesn't really know.

That doesn't make him awesome sorry. Women do it all the time. I'm sure he's lovely and it's nice he's not a jerk but we don't need to lower the bar for men here.

The stickers help

Embarrassing?!!

What the hell

I totally get why you’re annoyed, but I think you should be the one to message the person that you would like to know about your name. You don’t need your husband to speak for you.

My first name has been spelled wrong on every single Christmas card I’ve had from our neighbours (there are various ways to spell my name, but it’s a well known British name and I use the standard spelling). I actually felt bad sending return cards with the correct spelling because it feels a little like I’m correcting them, which I get is completely ridiculous, but I understand why your husband doesn’t want to contact someone to correct them when they haven’t intended to cause upset. Again, I get that that is ridiculous, but I think you need to sort it yourself and not have him do it.

I took DHs name when we married and called the council tax to change it. Our bill now comes addressed to Mr hisname and Miss hisname like we’re brother and sister -and has done for a decade. I’m annoyed, but not enough to sit on the phone for however long.