Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I have never known a man EVER change his surname to his wife's on marriage.

And I would certainly not think of any man who did that as 'awesome!' LOL, you do you though.

Your name - you correct it. Simple.

I'm with you 100 percent, OP. But if he doesn't make the correction, you definitely should. I kept my own name when I married. The only way that people will get it right is if they are corrected (politely of course). Most people want to get a person's name right as they understand it's a basic element of respect.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway And why exactly do you think that is?!!!!

It's a formal invite, so you send a formal reply : Mr James Smith and Ms Mary Jones are delighted to accept..etc. Or you could email your acceptance with an email signature showing your name correctly.
Maybe you could get those {twee} stickers to put on the outside of envelopes on your Christmas cards, showing the sender's name and address?

@DelphiniumBlue I'd considered those twee stickers, but still people are bound to get it wrong. There is still an assumption that if you are married you are Mrs Hisname. I suppose because that is still the case for the vast majority.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's just not that important and you sound a bit 'up your own'.

I have friends who kept their maiden name, for professional reasons, but they don't really care if there are letters/ invites etc sent to Mr & Mrs Bloggs.

Most women do still change their name so the person sending the invite is following convention and may not even know you prefer Miss Bloggs.

Every sympathy w you!

one small practical thing - you CAN pay in cheques made out to the wrong name, if you can be bothered to take your marriage certificate to the bank. They should then keep a record that will allow you to go on doing this in future.

(I didn’t change my name and it’s always annoyed me when my in laws call us Dr and Mrs Husband’s first name Husband’s second name - I’m also a Dr so there is literally NOTHING of me in that salutation)

@Jmmi Not sure what you mean by society puts up barriers …….we haven’t made choices….
women don’t have to change their name and neither do men.

I’m with you OP. It’s your name, it should be spelled correctly - I bet if your DH’s name had been wrongly spelled as Eliot instead of Elliott, for example, he would’ve texted to have it changed.

Edit to add - what I mean is that if your name is Smith and your husband’s Johnson, addressing the invite to the 2 Johnsons is actually a misspelling. That is not how you write your name - because it’s not your name 😅

People on mumsnet get funny about their babies’ names being pronounced incorrectly or someone writing Katharine instead of Katherine. Somehow this preciousness about names does not apply to married women who still use their birth name? Because that’s what it is. The name we were born with, not a maiden name.

I think if it were me, my reason for keeping my name is my reason and I wouldn't sweat the small stuff.
I wouldn't ask my hubby to text and put them straight. That's a bit embarrassing for him.

There's a time and place to correct people. Like a work, perhaps.

A wedding invitation is not a big deal and the couple have more important things to think about than some woman who's upset they think she took her H's name.

Honestly, some people need to get a perspective and realise they aren't the centre of the universe.

So it’s better a woman the OP feels embarrassed when her name is spelled incorrectly at a public event?

Op
Have you ever thought of how he feels that you didn't take his name??
Did his feelings ever cross your mind?

My name is spelt incorrectly more often than not. There have been numerous variations of it all my life. The only person it’s embarrassing for is the misspeller. I’m resigned to spelling it every time I provide it.

No you don't have to, however it's quite clear from the undeserved vitriol directed at OP just on this thread that actually it involves sticking your head above the parapet, being resolute in your choice, and taking some flack for it. Is it surprising many women just don't want to bother to fight it?
When have men ever been expected to change their names?
It isn't a level playing field.

@nodramaplz Or perhaps her husband is in fact a decent man? You know, not a misogynist?

Why should she have to account for his feelings about HER name?

Think a previous poster had it right, he knows the family members are busy with their wedding and doesn’t want to hassle them with a common mistake. Honestly I’d just leave it. Does it really matter what surname his extended family think you have? For all your real use of it in records. ID’s etc it’s correct.

It’s a massive hassle to change your surname and I didn’t realize what a pain it would be! So it’s not easier on the other side easier!

I kept my maiden surname as a middle name and all my kids have it too that way it keeps my maiden surname in my family and it’s worked out really well!

Of course you’re upset he wouldn’t do something for you but if you look at it from his perspective he doesn’t want to hassle his family about it at a busy time. He might think they’ll get a bit irk’d a simple mistake has been highlighted back to then near enough straight away. I think that’s fair enough of him. You can correct others in person if it comes up in a much more natural light hearted way.

I disagree. It's worth understanding what's important to each other early on, and honouring that as far as possible.

Two things here are pretty fundamental to a marriage:

I. Names represent us. Not caring to get it right says the person isn't too important to you. It's why you learn your boss or peer’s name, but perhaps not your waiter's. Is the wife the waiter or the peer here?

II. Spouses should be comfortable prioritising what matters to each other over how things look to friends. On stuff that "isn't important", the tie break goes to the spouse. There will be a million later examples so this is an important one. It's important because it doesn't matter. No-ones asking him to do anything hard. She’s asking him to send a one line email. If that's too much bother it's a bad sign.

This is a great idea, thank you!

Christ she's not asking to wear a white dress she's asking to be able to RSVP with her actual name.

I think you should contact them to say Mr and Mrs TheTingThings would be delighted to attend. I mean it's only a name, he may as well use your surname for this event.

I didn't change my name after marriage but don't mind if people refer to us as Mr and Mrs Husbands Surname.

Sometimes people think it's Mr and Mrs My Surname.

I think if it was something more sentimental, a keepsake for your home then would need mentioning then, but at a place card will end up in the bin...