Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I think that she might be very kind and just want her dad to be happy.

According to the vote, 73% think OP is being unreasonable.

God I hope I don't have to keep repeating myself to people who don't read the whole thread. I've addressed this above. I meant the husband's DD. I should have said SD.

I read most posts but must have missed your correction. It's the risk we all take when we make an incorrect post.

Thank you OP you have prompted me to change my will so my DD and DH get 50/50 of the house - he can be guardian ( or whatever the term is till she is 18) as I would hate my DD to ever be in your DSD’s position loosing my mum then my home as my dad married a woman who wants me out!!!

If you truly love your husband you need to make his DD a priority too and consider the trauma she has had in her life , you haven’t truly tried to blend families as you wanted everyone to adapt to you … with no consideration to the trauma another woman moving into her mums room would have had on This poor woman … you really haven’t tried to think of your DSD at all

My mother did this years ago after her friend's mother died and she realised she had been disinherited by the new wife. My own father lost out on a large portion of his inheritance because my grandmother died before her 2nd husband and she'd never thought to do a will.

Thanks for qualifying that. There are very many of us who don't hate our stepkids at all.

Same, we should all make sure your dc are taken care of in the will.

Well done for finally seeing that you owe your DSD an apology.

I do think you need to fully examine some of the things you've said here because I think you're really holding on to resentment that you're essentially living in DSDs home. The home she'll inherit because it was paid for as a result of her mother's death. For example; she has the biggest room and it's kept as a shrine to her. It's her childhood bedroom and it's very normal that it contains her trophies etc. The alternative would be one of your kids getting her childhood bedroom and her achievements etc being put into storage. What message would that send to a girl who has already had 5 strangers move into her home?. People who clearly resent her looks and achievements.

You really have benefited extraordinarily from marrying your DH. You live in a bigger house and your adult DC are all being funded by him. You get to have a really nice lifestyle while working part time and you will inherit a home while keeping the profit from your previous one. All of which is possible because DSDs mum died when she was a child. DSD will inherit less as a result. I'd be shocked if she DIDN'T feel some resentment over that. Really she's been remarkably restrained. I'll be honest, my step dad and step sister are nice people and I never voice it, but I do sometimes feel resentment that they've financially benefited from my mum's death at the expense of me and my brother.

Ultimately if your marriage continues you and your DDs will need to see DSD becoming even more successful in her career and probably marry and have children. Your DH will likely want to spend more time with them when that happens and I would encourage you to become grandmother to those children and improve your relationship with DSD.

I'm sure that's true, and well done all you London lawyers out there, but that doesn't give anyone the right to be a bully, and frankly the higher you climb, the more it befits you to be gracious about it. This thread is not about providing validation for people with successful careers.

Adding to the chorus of people who are grateful for this thread. I have made an appointment with my solicitor to reflect this in my will. No flipping way I’m letting this happen to my kid.

Interestingly myself and hubby had a convo about this last night. He ALSO will amend his will accordingly - just in case he dies and I LOSE my mind and diddle my son out of his full inheritance.

So even if this thread isn’t for real, it’s helped me. If it is for real… That DSD deserves the universe to be kind to her for the rest of her days. I’m wishing her - a wonderful relationship with this incredible Italian, a happy and healthy home full of bilingual conversation and good (loud) music, and a fulfilling rewarding career!

You go girl!

👏👏👏

The only bully here is the OP.

I have a slim, beautiful, smart daughter. After reading this thread, I also contacted my solicitor to amend my will.

It is truly a modern cinderella story, and a smart beautiful girl being villified because of her success.

DSD isn’t a bully. OP and her demanding children are the bullies.

There is an element of jealousy and tall poppy syndrome here though on the part of the OP and her DC.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas OP. It’s rare for someone to take views into account here that contradict their own.

@recipientofraspberries Please don't assume that being autistic means someone is going to agree with you. I'm autistic and firmly on Team DSD.

@whiskeytangofox Nope. I was a severely bullied autistic teen and I think the general thrust of the thread is absolutely right. OP displays nakedly obvious jealousy towards this poor young woman, and the dislike between the DDs and the DSD is mutual, not a clear power imbalance in the bullying sense. In fact, if anything the DSD is the one who is outnumbered and being targeted for exclusion / being pushed out, so if anyone is being bullied in the here and now, it's the DSD (I'm not disputing the DDs were bullied at school). But clearly we can't trust an OP who hates her DSD that much to give an unbiased account of the dynamic. Reading between the lines of what OP has shared, though, at the present time it at minimum goes both ways.

OP on a tangent I urge you to make sure your daughters are less pandered to, develop more resilience and coping strategies for your DS's sake.

If something happens to you, it should not fall to your son to do everything for his sisters. I have seen this happen within my extended family when a sibling with additional needs was pandered to and it is unfair on the NT sibling.

This, in a nutshell.

I think we're all realising that CInderella wasn't just a fairy tale!

Wow! What a thread! Fell down the rabbit hole this morning reading it all.

Given the asymmetry in the sizes of the respective families and the different talents, aspirations, ambitions, values etc of the step siblings (son excluded), it seems strange that the OP and her husband didn’t discuss blending families with greater thought and sensitivity to all parties. I’m very surprised the husband is happy to take on responsibility for funding three adult step children, but his choice, I guess. Unless, as others have suggested, he didn’t quite understand what he was taking on.

I agree with those who suggest getting the autistic daughters more independent and resilient, financially and emotionally, as a priority. OP should also really think about putting arrangements in place should she drop dead.

What a nasty, spiteful individual you are.

Define pandering? I mean, yeah, sometimes ND people are pandered to just like NT people sometimes are. But what looks like pandering on the outside can actually be central to a person's wellbeing, just saying.

Totally. And there in lies the problem.