Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

The parents were still together when the mother died, despite the OP referring to her as his 'ex-wife' at one point. So the house will have gone straight to him, not the DD. But obviously he will leave it to his DD. When he dies it will go straight to her and the OP will move into a second property he owns, which will be hers to leave to her children. That is wrong, but at least the DD won't have to wait for her stepmother to die before she can at least take possession of her family home. I guess she has to hope that her father outlives her stepmother. I do hope that will then mean that the second property will also stay with her, but I suspect the OP has wangled it that her children will get that regardless. She's got her eye on the main chance, as my MIL used to say.

She was 17. That's really really young to cope with all that.

and planted her own family into her DSD’s home and then complaints when she comes to visit her dad. The entitlement here is off the charts.

Such stories are hopefully rare.

There are good outcomes, just so happens sometimes you get the short straw like this poor young girl did.

Have come across blended families where the parents have cultivated a loving happy home. So much so, all kods are treated the same and unless you knew, you couldn't tell them weren't blood relations.

If DSD was OP's child, she'd have lovingly navigated the situation, she's certainly capable of it but has so far led with negative emotions.

While I understand all of that, I suspect DH is a smart man too and transferred ownership, upon becoming mortgage free, to his DD. It isn’t unheard of in these situations via Trusts etc. as it sounds like DH has a lot of money. I can’t imagine he wants it all to go to his ‘DW’. As while he may be okay funding her while alive, he’ll make sure his daughters is taken care of no matter what. Hopefully he wakes up and leaves OP sooner but one can only dream.

And can you even imagine the song & dance the OP will make about moving from the main house to the rental house when that time comes?

If her kids can't cope with some music playing on the VERY occasional visits from DSD & can't tolerate visitors / DSD coming in later etc etc how on earth will they cope with being uprooted from 'their' home? I'm sure the OP will make that process as difficult as humanly possible so.i hope the dh has left it legally watertight.

On a side note - size 14 / 16 is most certainly overweight for an early 20s woman in most cases (unless she's particularly tall & even then it's still heavy)

I am obsessed with this thread. Part of me is hoping it’s a troll…. At least then I can reaffirm that no man is as absolutely stupid as OPs husband.

MN and all the step parenting threads made me become interested in the Cinderella effect - the no 1 vulnerability factor for facing abuse as a child is living with a step parent. Honestly- nothing has made me work harder at my marriage than this… the idea that we could divorce and my beautiful son could end up the ‘DSD’ in this situation. But at least he’d still have me! I’d be somewhere - providing a home, making sure the resources I worked hard for wouldn’t be squandered on some woman and her 4 kids… but Christ… I hadn’t thought about dying!!!??? That poor bloody woman.

If this thread is real - what a woman the DSD is?! Head girl, excellent job, maintained a solid relationship with her dad even though he is an obvious sex addicted simpleton (why else, people?). Fair dues to this woman!

OP if you are real (unlikely) and you genuinely now understand the situation…. You asked for advice to put it right…

Sort the will out. Makesure you and your children will NOT benefit from the death of this woman’s mother. Agree on a fair allocation of resources (how much did you bring into this marriage, how much have you contributed within the marriage etc) and then the rest is dsd.

Are you for actual real? Sex addicted simpleton because he gets married 15 years after his wife died and their ADULT children don’t get on well. These are adults.
The smug marrieds are out in force today it seems.

Fucking hell OP you've landed on your feet haven't you? Get your DH to finance your adult children that aren't his and you will inherit a house that you have contributed nothing towards ( unless the rental was bought whilst married to DH). To top it off you are insanely jealous of DSD, resent her spending time in her family home and expect everyone to pussyfoot around your daughter. What's your next move, try to disinherit DSD?

I can't believe your dh puts up with you and your kids. I think DSD is a bloody saint for putting up with you living in her house - I can't believe you expect her not to stay out late because it upsets your kids. She shouldn't invite her boyfriend to Christmas because it upsets your kids, she shouldn't play music because it upsets your kids - there's no way I'd allow someone to move into my house and behave like that towards my child who lost her mother and has to put up with you and your kids taking over her home. I can't believe you have to explain to your kids that DSD has a right to live in her home. You've made a right mess - your kids are over indulged as are you.

@BeardyButton I agree!

I'm still on the fence whether I believe all this or not but if it IS true the dh has been royally taken in.

I am very much for real. And I’m not smug for my marriage. But I am smug that I wouldn’t move 5 people into my son’s family home and then change my will in such a way that massively reduces his inheritance. I’m really smug about that. And yes - I cannot understand a parent that would do this to their child.

Don’t forget the casual land grab of her inheritance. Or the upset that the boyfriend dares to speak his own language. Wtf.

I can't believe you begrudge your step daughter spending 4 days with her only living parent over Christmas

Especially when her mother's life insurance is essentially funding your lifestyle and your children's lifestyle

their ADULT children don’t get on well. These are adults

That moved into her home, are bankrolled by her dad, ignore her and make unreasonable demands, like that their bedtime should not be disturbed when SD very occasionally wants to visit her own dad.

It's good that you have realised this op. But the fact that you've had to have it pointed out is absolutely BATSHIT.
That you as an adult have to sit down with other adults and explain to them that it's ok for a person to play music in their own home is absurd. You are the intruders, not her!
I don't particularly think this is real, but if it is, you have become so entitled that you have totally lost grip on reality. I don't know what the solution is to help you. Volunteering maybe? Full time jobs for those that can?
Because if you continue down this path of self absorption, the 3 of you will end up together in a tiny hovel as no one will put up with it.

I can’t actually believe that this thread is for real. I would guess that it is the stepdaughters’s level of compassion and intelligence that stops her from reacting to this stepmom and stepchildren shit show.

I would like to know what happened before SD shouted that OPs DDs should grow up - one of the 2 unkind things she has apparently said over the years. I suspect it was not out of the blue. Was DD throwing a tantrum that SD was breathing and it bothered her?

This was my first thought too. You are the one who has put your DC in this situation.

You really do OP. This is a girl who went through the major trauma of her mum passing away and despite that has worked hard to make her life a success. Her only remaining parent married you and welcomed your 4 clearly high needs children into her home, she was just expected to accept that and modify her behaviour to accommodate their personal challenges.
and you have completely vilified her basically because she was popular at school and your daughter (who is quite obviously jealous and dislikes her!) has claimed she is a bully just because she was friendly with everyone.

How sad for this poor girl who has gone through a lot of personal trauma. Speaks volumes for her that shes a big enough person to even still associate with you all and her dad should advocate for her more strongly!

You need to take an inwards look at yourself and reflect on why you are so bitterly jealous of her.

Maybe the pound signs over her eyes blinded her @LadyDanburysHat

Nitpicking and not the point of my post.

I wondered whether this thread was a reverse, it's really hard to believe.

@Vinni8 has summed OP up perfectly.

If LondLawyer is in fact a lawyer in London, she knows first hand that people have to work extremely hard to become a successful lawyer.