Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

This was my main takeaway from this too!

You live in a house that was paid off due to the death of your SD’s mother, with your adult children who think the world revolves around them, and your SD should be the one walking on egg shells in her own home so they don’t have to learn how to cope with the real world.

I wonder how much of your daughters’s issues stem from being ND and how much from being raised to be spoiled, entitled and jealous towards anyone who is more successful than they are. Even the way you speak about your SD’s room, in a house that’s essentially hers, is dripping with resentment.

I hope you are prepared for her to bump you and your freeloading children back into the real world as soon as her dad dies and she no longer has to see you all soak him dry whilst making out she’s the problem.

You really saw your DH coming. What a set up. No wonder you resent someone who can spot a set of blaggers coming into your feathered nest.

Wasn’t there another post really similar to this recently? Where the daughter was the only child of the father, and the OP couldn’t stand the step daughter because she was “spoilt” but also academic and had a really good job. The mother also died and left an inheritance to her. Not sure if this is the OP under another name or what.

Yes on that thread DSD was also lawyer living London - and also had a £1m mortgage free flat paid by dead mothers inheritance ..... v similar. On that thread the OP was complaining that the DSD only worked part time, that her DF furnished her flat, that the DSD BF paid for her to have a spa day once a month and the OP felt she was an indulged princess. V similar sentiment. Was that thread pulled?

This is a tale of Cinder fucking rella

Wicked step mother who is tone deaf and selfish

You can't expect a 25yo to come home early with her bf in case they wake your 23yo DD. It's madness. Your23yo DD will have to either cope with a few nights of broken sleep or move into her older sisters place for a few days. I feel sorry for the SD

I can understand why your DD will find this difficult, are they able to visit a Grandparent or other family member for a few days to get some peace?

DSD has as much right to treat your house as her home as your DD does but it sounds like a melting pot of incompatible personalities.

@AquaAnsie I hate these threads where people say you may just suck it up, at the end of the day it's your home to and if you didn't want the boyfriend to come that should of been respected, her wants don't trump you every time, I would set serious boundaries tbh for the future if your husband insists on her bring her new shinny toy each time he can rent an air b&b for the 3 of them to stay, no way would I let a stranger in my home especially over Christmas to feel uncomfortable.

Wow.

I’d love to know your secret OP. You must be one hell of a catch for your DH to put up with this shit.

With the new info that you and your daughters are living in the home that the death of stepdaughter's mother paid for, you got a lotta nerve telling your husband she should stay in a hotel. You guys have feathered her nest and made yourselves awfully comfortable at her dad's expense.

Your husband might be losing patience with walking on eggshells and you showing such obvious resentment of his daughter and trying to alienate him from her. You haven't been subtle here.

My advice would be for you to get a full time job and start contributing financially. Get that rental emptied and move your kids there. Get them into training programs for work. Get your funds a bit more liquid in case your marriage breaks down. Get your life and your kids lives ready for change. You can't keep stirring the home pot and thinking things are going to fall out the way you want.

So the OP and her family should get to stay in a house they haven’t paid for and meanwhile the child of the dead woman and the man who did pay for said house should leave?

The DSD is staying for a few days at Christmas. Not only Op but 3 other adults stay there for free all year and on too the DH pays rent for another adult child who isn’t his,

I suspect the house is already hers. This is based on OP indicating they’d get a different house in DH’s death. OP really better tread carefully, she could end up out on her arse.

OP, what would happen to your daughters if -god forbid- something happened to you? They are in their mid 20s and seem to have no resources or resilience for existing in the actual world. What is the long term plan here?

The Husbands Daughter deserves her home.
Her mother died, feathering the nest for a new wife and her adult children, whom her father pays for!
It’s her home that her mother’s death paid for.
It’s not her fault her father remarried a woman who has a tribe of adult children that depend on her father.(Apart from
the son) .

This.

It's disgusting.

I’m still laughing at 24 carat gold fanny.

If the DH in this tall tale is real he’s the fanny though.

Obviously DSD will keep them in the standard to which they have become accustomed.

I don't think this is true, why would the DH bring a lot of difficult young adults into his house, and allow his DD to be excluded and bullied by a stepmother and the wicked weird sisters, with stepson guest starring as Buttons.

If it was true my advice would be, in addition to getting ear defenders for her kids, the OP should leave the kind widower and his overly accomplished daughter, and go build her own house of gingerbread in the forest.

I’m glad to hear it. OP, if your daughters don’t get along with your stepdaughter due to past history, how about they visit friends or relatives when your stepdaughter visits…be gone part of the day? And, I say this gently…your daughters they are adults, and really should be flying the nest. At some point it really should just be you and your DH.

Hmmmmm… if it was my childhood home (one that I’d be inheriting one day), I’d make the assumption I had the right to be there and act as I chose, as per my dead mothers wishes. OP’s kids could always move out if they find the rare trips from the person who grew up in the house too distressing. What a load of territorial nonsense. There’s also no evidence you mention of her being a bully, talk about grasping at straws to discredit someone the OP clearly dislikes.

This. Reading this whole thread I can't believe OP's DH puts up with this and how they treat his daughter coming back to her family home (with OP SUGGESTING A HOTEL INSTEAD?!?!). Poor SDS

I mean, you married the father of your daughter's bully. Did you think she would just never be around?

I am glad you have adjusted your perspective a bit OP.

In the end I presume you want to keep your marriage intact. So you need to be far more supportive of your DH as a parent

Of course he isn’t going to consign his Dd to a hotel when she visits for Christmas. Had you suggested that to me I’d have told YOU to bog off to a hotel.

And in the long term, any serious relationship she has could become step Son In Law. Of course your DH wants to be welcoming.

Your DH has embraced your FOUR Dc as family, come what may, you need to do the same.

And of course you cannot stop her coming in late!

Embrace her as your DSD, de-escalate , show her you and your DDs are not colonising her Dad and his home and pushing her out.

Except if you read the whole thread it seems the DSD was ‘friends with ‘ a bully rather than actually a bully.

It’s 3/4 days
Its your DSDs house so obviously she can go home for Christmas

I think as she and your kids are all adults you all need to learn how to get on with life together
You forget OP, she is one and your kids are four so will obviously be closer to each other.
Your children need to learn how to cope with noise, other people and other people going out and coming home late. It really is about preparing for life without you…..you need to step back and let them grow up.

Op you sound awful.

I really feel for your SD. Her mother had died and some woman and her rude daughters are now in her family home trying to push her out to a hotel for Xmas. Saying she can't listen to music.

You sound like right spongers- your dh paying for you daughters rent, your bills and covering the expenses of your other daughter is absolutely not the same as him taking his actual daughter on holiday once a year.

Why don't you bugger off to you DD1s for Xmas and let you SD have a nice Christmas in her home and let her relax.