Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

You sound completely jealous of SDs success given your own daughters' failure to thrive .

It's not about 'compromise enough'. These issues are different ones. And it's no one's business but OP's and her family's how their finances work.

He's clearly unusual if he went from a wife with a very driven, academic daughter who excels at sports as well, AND is good looking, for a new woman with four hangers on.

Most blokes wouldn't be seen for dust- especially telling him his own daughter can't come and go as she pleases.

Brood parasites..that have ousted the true daughter.

Well done OP for realising that the problem is bigger than you initially thought and taking on board other posters comments. You've been hyper focused on your kids needs since before meeting your DH with your useless ex and admitting this is a great step forward. I hope the talk goes well and you can all work together in making this first step towards a better future.

I can’t quite believe that you would actually consider telling DSD that she has to be home before your daughter is asleep!!! And you think that’s totally fine? So she would have to leave a party a or bar at the same time as others might be arriving just because your DD is scared of someone coming home in the night - despite knowing exactly who it is.

I get the sense that you use your DD’s autism to cover up a huge amount of pandering. It’s a promising first step that you’re able to acknowledge that you connect your DSD to the types of girls who may have intimidated you once. But it’s so unbelievably unreasonable to allow that to influence yours and your children’s approach to people. You’re all adults and you need to grow up.

Your son sounds like the most balanced of the lot of you. And I don’t think he’s acting up. I think he’s finally able to interact with someone who isn’t absorbed by victim mentality when your DSD comes home.

Op I’d check myself into a hotel for a few days if I were you, what a nightmare

Not all of your family agree with you. You show contempt for your son who agrees with her.

"I can't stay out late because it upsets my stepmother's adult children." Do you see how bizarre that statement would be -if she did what you wanted?

Exactly this. You knew you'd be causing your children a bit of agro. Don't get why you ever entertained this marriage!

My first thought was what @Itaverages said- you married your kids’ bully dad. What did you expect? For her to disappear as it’s more convenient for you?

"This girl was Head Girl at school. It's frankly quite unlikely that she was a bully. Teachers tend to know who the 'mean girls' are and those types of people rarely have the qualities that are looked for in a Head Girl"

😂

Couldn't agree more

I can't/won't believe that a man like DH in this tale exists.
Why on earth would he take on five adult dependents in his care, a couple with such complex needs that it is affecting his existing family and no doubt is affecting his own quality of life at home... For what unfathomable reason would he take on the financial support of this idle group of adults and why would he provide for them from his estate?

Is he going to be crowned the Pride of Britain this Christmas? He definitely deserves that, plus Sainthood! The man is made of rainbows and good feelings only!

*yeah, I'm envious! Room for adult lodger Nr 6?
Failing that, I'll accept half of my rent paid.

Or the OP can fund housing her own kids and spring for all of her child's rent & then rent an Air B & B for her other off spring since they benefit from her DSD mothers untimely death 300+ days a year with out the DSD being there.

And yet the DSD was expected to have 5 strangers move into her family home and deal with it. The irony of that statement

This:
Cuckoos in the nest!

Wow this thread has been such a nasty pile on. OP has admitted she was wrong and has been looking for constructive advice for pages now. Not just more and more people laying into her saying exactly the same things!
RTFT before commenting and stop taking redundant at this point , cheap shots!

I can see your point of view but also see hers. It must have been difficult for your step-daughter getting “swallowed up” by such a large established family, especially being an only child.

I think that @OtterlyMad has a good point, it must have been a huge adjustment for your DSD being part of your large family.

I agree that she needs to be considerate of other people noise-wise and your DH should have a word with her. Could he give her some AirPods for Christmas?! My teenagers use AirPods as the rest of us don’t want to listen to their music. She also needs to come in quietly when she’s been out- but going out late over Christmas is perfectly fine.

Re. Her achievements. I’d be happy that she’s independent and doing well. Surely she’s just making the most of her potential and that’s what we want for our children?

It’s not a competition, we want each of them to have the life that makes them happy. She sounds as if she’s getting on with her life, which is great.

What kind of man stands by while his daughter is treated with such contempt regarding coming to her own home for a few days. I'd love to read her version of this mess.

*yeah, I'm envious! Room for adult lodger Nr 6?
Failing that, I'll accept half of my rent paid

I have an update. So... I spoke to me Mam and she refuses to put up HER half of my rent (something about me being an adult at 38 and not working full time...blah, blah, blah). Yeah, so no matter how helpful OP's husband, that rent thingy ain't gonna work here, not the way my Mam is!

Someone will have to put me up after all.

It is good that you are finally seeing things from your dsd’s perspective. She grew up without a mother and her childhood home, a place, where she grieved not having a mother, has been invaded by a woman (ie a mother, someone she lost very young) and all her children, who expect her to fit in rather than the other way round.

She seems to be trying to be considerate. So it is good that you are finally understanding that compromise is required and the past, however all parties see it, irrelevant because she actually sounds like a decent human being.

My 16 yo dd is incredibly popular - I mean that in the friendly rather than queen bee sense - and has loads of friends. In consequence, she is probably loosely friends with kids, who have bullied other kids. Except she doesn’t bully, has in the past told me about bullying behaviours, and has been the victim of cyberbullying herself. From the outside, I could see why many girls would be intimidated and jealous by her. Yet things aren’t always as simple as they seem. I hope you will now be more able to see your dsd as a person, who has her own issues too.

And just my take having been in your dsd’s position. After my father died, my mother met someone else and moved him quite quickly into my childhood home, then less than a year later married him. I was about 19. That was really hard and he didn’t even have any kids. He was a wonderful man, treated us as his own and has since died.

You could actually have chosen to be more like my mother’s 2nd husband and it is so sad that you have not. Your dsd has missed an entire lifetime of mothering. Hats off to her for being so successful.

In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

I wonder whether one reason that your DSD is very career-focused and independent is because she knows that if things go wrong, she doesn’t really have anyone to turn to? Her Dad is so involved with your children that she has no choice except to make her own way in the world.

She couldn’t move home if she needed to, because she knows that she wouldn’t be welcome there.

I feel so sad reading all of this. @AquaAnsie I really hope you can take all this on board . I think counselling is a good idea for you. I am so shocked you suggested a hotel for your DSD. Aghast. I hope you can get help with this.

The two comments of DSD's that you've given as examples are really horrible. She doesn't sound nice at all.

But I don't think there's anything you can do about the situation, except take your DDs out for some of the time so everyone gets a break. Five ACs in the same house is a lot. If DSD says anything mean towards your autistic two, maybe take her aside and explain that people living with autism don't process things the way that neurotypical people do, and that her remarks upset them.

Your other kids will just have to fend for themselves if DSD says stuff.

I sympathise. Some Oxbridge egos have to be experienced to be believed.

My thoughts too. My daughter would take priority in this situation.

@ThatKhakiMoose have you read all of OPs posts?

Thanks to the drip-feed, I missed the fact that the DSD's mum died when she was 4 and that her childhood home was taken over by a large family. Now I feel sorrier for her than I did after reading about her horrible comments.