Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Fair point.

You sound like a totally over the top parent
They are all young adults. Autism or not its time they got on with it without mummy hen interfering.

I'm wondering if I've been a bit harsh to you on this thread, OP. Your responses, references to overwhelm, direct approach to problem solving, and also attitude towards DSD sound quite black and white. Do you have an autism diagnosis too?

I think the main thing you need to do, and bring your DC along with you in doing, is seeing DSD for the person she is. See her as an equal member of the family, entitled to time and space in her family home with her father, a decent person, and not the teenager she may (or may not - who knows) have been a decade ago. See her as a person with as much energy and consideration and concern and thought as you see your own DC. Perhaps enlist your DS in this because it sounds like he's already there. You need a mindset adjustment, not practical solutions. You simply cannot go on resenting her for having the second biggest room in her own house, and calling it a shrine. You cannot go about thinking she has no right to go out and about, listen to music, disrupt your settled routine when you're actually living in HER childhood home. Can you see how wrong that is? Would you like someone to treat your children that way? You need to think about how you have disrupted her life; what she's been through as a motherless child; how hard she's worked for what she has; what it's like for her to see her dad with you and your 4 children. There's simply no room for jealousy. It may seem like she's got the world on a stick, but she doesn't. There's room for everybody in this family.

Just have some empathy and put yourself in her shoes, show her the same type of consideration you show your own children. That's what your DH does for you and your children, after all.

From the sounds of it, it is her house and you’re allowed to stay there. Not it’s her house too, it is her house.

You need to make it very clear it is her home and they should compromise. From what you’ve written throughout this thread, they’re the arseholes along with you, not DSD. You really need to start making it up to DSD and forcing your children to engage productively. You can lead the charge considering your own behaviour towards DSD.

And I hope for your sake, you don’t suggest DSD stays in a hotel again.

Time to tell the jealous princesses that they need to budge up on the golden carriage seat (which their stepdaddy paid for).

not going out late won't scare her, it will scare my DD.

Can you try to see it from SD perspective? She's a young adult, she wants to live a totally normal young adult life and go out. She comes back 2AM, nothing outrageous, to our own home. She does not show up with 20 friends to continue a loud party - she is quiet and considerate. Is it reasonable to demand she does not go out and see her friends because another adult, who has moved into her house, is a light sleeper and 'gets scared' because SD got home? It's not, is it.

I dont understand why your husband took on such a large family.
I feel sorry for your sd. I think she lost her mother, and her dad has taken on an entire other family who dont contribute financially. Youre a real money pit. I also think your whole attitude about it is ungrateful and entitled.

I am autistic and so are my husband and kids fwiw. You need to support your children in getting ready for independent living, or semi independent in supported housing. You cant just have a man funding your whole family, and moan about his daughter coming back for Xmas. Are you serious?? Cuckoos!

Your dh should be ashamed of himself

Have you considered staying in your sister’s for Christmas?

Im not sure from your posts that you appreciate the enormity of the situation from your DSD point of view.

It’s her family home, it’s not her home & your DDs home.

Fair play OP you’ve listened to majority & taken onboard general feedback. I wish you & your blended family a very happy Xmas. You ALL deserve a great one.

I think that's a really naive assumption to make, that a certain type of person couldn't possibly be a bully. It really doesn't work that way.

This

Also your DH DD is probably feeling put out by your larger family

Doesn't mean nasty comments should be made.

However it's her home too

😂😂😂

Yes thank you.

I think you need to divest the investment and buy a house for your DDs that you can also move into if something happens to your DH.

OP I think you the 'tunnel vision' you've probably had with regards to your children's needs is starting to expand as you read everyone's comments - I do hope so anyway.

Of course all the things that upset your children upset you but as you've said, you need a bit of perspective.

If you were still living in that small terraced house noise from either or both neighbours may well occur, would you expect them to change for your children's comfort? Teaching your DDs coping strategies is ultimately going to help them more than saying "Shush!" to anyone who makes a noise they don't like!

And you really, really need to get some proper provisions in place for support for them - claiming UC is a much better long term plan then you and DH paying rent, what if the worst happened and you and DH are no longer around?

Take a deep breath and in the New Year take a step back and review things and go forwards with a better plan and a more practical approach for the long term. And yes, perhaps some therapy would be a good outlet. I think you've been carrying the stress and responsibility for your children's well being for such a long time, you need to offload some of that in order to reboot and help them transition to adulthood and the best lives they can have more effectively.

@AquaAnsie Your husband’s daughter has been massively usurped- Can you not see it from her point of view?
Her Dad now has four step “children” and a new wife taking his attention from her.

You sound jealous of her success- She must be very bright and hard working to have got where she is, and as a “driven “ person probably can’t understand the daughters not working.

Your son she gets on well with, that’s a good thing.

Of course her room has her things in it!
it’s her home!!

I think you are being very unfair on her.
She has to now share her Dad with FIVE other people not related to her.

Quite a selfish post OP. It's all about you and your children, plainly.

after my post, having read all of the Op’s actual responses. I think so too.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to take your DDs away for a couple of days so that the DSD can come back to her own home and spend a few days with her dad and her boyfriend?

So in other words OP and her DDs should be the ones to do all the adjusting with no change or compromise being required of the DSD? Not how life works. Well, not in a fair household anyway.

OP didn't say she plays "loud" music, just that she plays music.

Physical aids don't stop other people from living normally.

What a toxic nasty thread. Agree with the majority that OP is cruel and immature. I feel rather sullied having read all her petty selfish updates. Urg.

The DSD has lost her mother then had a family of five move into her home when she was a teenager, four of whom have been bankrolled by her father ever since, and a house that would have been hers is now going to go to her father's wife upon his death and then be passed to his wife's children. Do you not think that's compromise enough?

I think it’s really naive to fall for the collective family narrative based on insecurity, inferiority and resentment that DSD was a bully.

Bulllying is something you would get fired from head girl, no question.

Why would OP ever dream of moving her kids into a house with a bully?

With any luck the husband has enough noodle to ensure it goes to his DD.

This