Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

DSD where everything comes easily

A child whose mother died when she was aged 4. Fuck me.

I think it would be worth reminding your DDs that she is not a guest. This is her home every bit as much as theirs. She isn’t an interloper.

I do owe her an apology you are right, my girls do to. The times she has been a little mean she has apologised.

Thank you for helping me realise I was being self absorbed.

This all sounds a bit childish. They should be behaving better now they are older, maybe it's time to read them the riot act. All of them sound a bit demanding selfish and spoilt. About time they grew up.

I think you getting some therapy would be good.

have you ever stopped to think about all of this from your dsd point of view before? Losing her mum at a young age. Her dad moving in a new wife and her children with complex needs meaning she is made to feel unwelcome in her own childhood home. (That probably has memories of her mother in it, do you cook in her mums kitchen or is it new? Did you rip out her mums bathroom or do you use the same one her mum used ? That sort of thing to think about when dealing with a young woman who lost her mum as a child).

your step daughter as a bereaved child who’s dad got a new wife probably needed some extra help and instead she has to think about the feelings of her step sisters and fit round their needs.

but instead you’re jealous of her and think of her as a problem.

.

This. Weird!

I'm afraid I'm also kinda sympathising with the dsd. Your dc's are with her df all the time and you begrudge her coming home for a few days.

Maybe you should teach your kids some resilience and that everything doesn't revolve around them. Sorry.

And a very massive dose of reality.

Your life is how it is because her mother died. Your children's father fucked off and didn't give too shits about them.

Her father has stepped in and redirected time, money and space from her to support children you created with someone else.

Maybe switch your mind set to gratitude because some children in her circumstances would have made every single day you and your kids have been in that house absolute living hell.

She was completely outnumbered by you lot, and yet your biggest feelings about her is jealously, she is more than gracious than many would be considering the cards she was dealt it life.

I was wondering this too. So her mum died and a family who don't like her / are jealous of her have moved into her childhood home and dread her returning to it. Of course she's prickly with you all.

You really do speak about her negatively, why on earth shouldn't her room be kept like that? You're paying rent for one of your children!

And I think you owe your girls an apology too. You've not modelled good behaviour and you've not taught them right from wrong. You've not had their long term best interests at heart.

And theres a son, right? The one you sneer about. He could do with a few decent words too.

It doesn't sound like you've done your DDs any favours. Instead of encouraging resilience and positive relationships you have stirred the pot. To the point where it seems that your DDs are picking and complaining about everything DSD does, no matter how normal or reasonable. You should probably acknowledge to your DDs that you have set a poor example to them.

I bet your DSD feels the need to assert herself when she's home or with her dad so you all don't stamp her out of existence.

I can see why she left home so promptly ☹️.

Hi OP,

It's really good that you're talking about compromise with your DDs. Not coming along to put the boot in, but re: the bullying thing - my DS (also autistic) was constantly accused of bullying by another autistic child, in primary. Turns out this was down to the other child's RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and every time my DS didn't want to play with her she would term it "bullying". I put my foot down when I came into school and saw her kicking another child.

It was easier for this girl to accuse others of bullying than to confront her own RSD and black-and-white thinking. Sometimes you need to stay in your own lane, focus on improving yourself rather than controlling others. Trying to say it gently but maybe that's what needs to happen here. Good luck over the holidays.

You have also used a lot of identifiers for step daughter. Her age, job, languages spoken, hobbies, nationality of long term ex. Your family set up is quite unique with death, size etc. so you have I’m sure outed her to someone she knows and painted her as an awful bully bitch. Maybe apologise for that one too.

@AquaAnsie

will you not be partaking in the “dance party” OP? @AquaAnsie I think you should! Let your hair down a bit 🎵 🥂🎄 🕺

This insight will bring you and your family so much, after just some reflection through mumsnetting- imagine what therapy will do! Parenting ND children is really hard but it seems like you’ve lost perspective m.

You have been projecting some unresolved issues onto both your dsd as well as your dd.
As a ND mom to 2DC, one with ASD& anxiety disorder I encourage you to look for ways your dd can minimize her overstimulation and anxiety by finding coping mechanisms for herself that don’t demand her environment to be altered too much; it is impossible and unfair to ask this of dsd, even if she would be unpleasant!

You love your dd and don’t want to see her in distress, but you seem to be inadvertently worsening her symptoms by not exposing her to uncomfortable interactions.The safety of her own home with her family is the best place to practice managing her social anxieties and ASD triggers if you want her to go out into the world one day, assisted living included.

I know full well it can be a very dibilitating disorder at times, and asking dd to suck it up isn’t fair, but you can and should empower her by helping her take her struggles into her own hands and find ways to deal that don’t include avoidance or shutting people out. ASD is freaking difficult but it sounds like you’re seeing her as a victim somehow and it doesn’t help matters.

Good luck OP 🍀

If I were your husband and you thought about and treated my daughter the way you describe on this thread, I'd have left you years ago.

This girl's mother died when she was four years old, for fuck's sake.

Despite the trauma of that and growing up without a mother, she excelled at school, went to Oxford, speaks another language fluently, and is now training to be a lawyer. Good for her. You should be bloody proud of her for what she has achieved.

When she comes to her family home for Christmas - the home that her mother's death has enabled you to live in, mortgage free, I might add - or at any other time of the year, she is entitled for that home to be just as much hers as yours, and to be as comfortable in it as you are. That means bringing her partners home, that means playing music, that means being able to have friends over. This is all perfectly normal 20 something behaviour. How dare you try and suggest she is being unreasonable because your precious babies don't like it. Your daughters are in their twenties. Seriously!

You are jealous of your step daughter because she is attractive, successful, intelligent and living the independent life you wish your daughters could. And you are punishing her for it. You should be downright ashamed.

If you want your daughters to have the independence and successful adulthood your step daughter enjoys, you need to stop enabling them and start supporting them to have that. They can't live with you forever.

This with bells and whistles.
@AquaAnsie you and your daughters come off as extremely ungrateful and entitled. You complain about your DSD's room yet are completely fine with your DH paying rent for your DD even though your DD is not his.
Honestly your DSD is the saint here. She's been completely outnumbered and turfed out of her home that has been paid off with her mother dying. She's obviously been through horrific trauma having experienced her mother's death in childhood and yet you and your entitled daughters are jealous of what she has achieved. Her life has not been easy whereas yours and your daughters lives are as you all seem to be nicely sponging off your DSD's and your DH's wealth.

You are being so unreasonable it's crazy. He lives with 3 of your adult children who apparently can't cope with really basic things so that must be a lot for him to deal with. And pays for your other child. And you can't even let his daughter stay in her childhood home for a few days you really think she should be in a hotel? Its crazy that your husband is willing to put up with this situation.

We moved in together to DHs home in summer 2019, this was the end of DSDs gap year. within about 2 weeks of starting uni she had met a guy (5 years older than her), she ended up living with him during covid and continued between his and halls, just coming to visit.

Wow - how must she have felt .... the seats still warm and 5 people move into the childhood home where she was raised without a mother. Thats not enough as they all gang up on her accusing her of being a bully ..... no wonder she went straight into the arms of someone else.

She still has her bedroom which after the master is by far the biggest, to this day it more or less sits like a shrine to her with sports trophys and piano certificates filling the room.

Good. So she should. Do you think that any remnants of her and her childhood achievments against the odds in the house she owns should be erased?

So true

Or someone is training an AI bot.
Agree that this cannot be real. No-one deliberately puts themselves in such a bad light.

Ye gods you sound really bitter! Your comments re the trophies and certificates just drip with venom - this is the house that was your dsds home, which you now stay in mortgage free following the death of her mother ! You have only lived there for 5 years yet are attempting to determine the rules under which she may return to her own home . I wonder how you would have managed if you hadn’t been fortunate enough to shack up with an extremely generous man who is supporting virtually your entire family ( and you anticipating the inheritance of a property) and yet you still seem to grudge any time/money spent on his own daughter

This all sounds like problems you have and that’s where the issues lie.