Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

@AquaAnsie

this OP ⬆️
Your stepdaughter isn’t doing anything wrong at all, just very normal, average behaviour.
hth.

Poor DSD! All her inheritance is going to you and your children or being spent on them in life. She sounds really nice actually because she must despise you and your kids.

So your husband supports 3 out of 4 of your adult children who let’s be honest sound very high needs. And yet his ONE child can’t come home for a few days for Christmas, without these adults hiding in their rooms and scared. This is mad!

I’d love to know your husband’s take on this, he must be immensely proud of her when she’s done so well despite her trauma as a child. He must think fucking hell, I’m newly married and I’ve got 3 adults in their twenties under my roof, with no sign of shifting and yet my daughter is thriving out in the big world, where the fuck have I gone wrong???

This 👆🏼

I agree with this. I can’t actually see what your DSD has done wrong. Other than a couple of bitchy comments which aren’t overly awful. And pretty normal behaviour between most sisters. She’s as much a part of the family as the rest and she should be proud of her success too and not be made to feel guilty or bad for it. It’s great your DS looks up to her.

Blimey OP I've never heard anyone refer to a deceased spouse as an ex-wife. I'll bet you've never said that in your DHs earshot. If you aren't a troll your level of self adsorption is off the scale.

Yes this. Iike everyone is saying why do your dcs needs come.before dsd . They are all adults now just stop talking about school bullying it's in the past. She is entitled to be in her own house with her dad behaving like lots of 20 year olds at Xmas.

Bloody hell OP, you really aren’t coming out of this smelling of roses, and each update doesn’t help.
So DSD lost her mum as a child/young teenager and has still managed to achieve all she has, fucking massive kudos to her as childhood maternal loss has a devastating effect.
The rest other posters have said, with spades on. If you don’t like it, work full time, live in your own house and fund your own kids.

'She still has her bedroom which after the master is by far the biggest, to this day it more or less sits like a shrine to her with sports trophys and piano certificates filling the room.'

A shrine. It is her bedroom, they are her things! How lovely that her df has kept her stuff so he at least makes her feel welcome. Your bitterness is so very apparent,. You and your dds need to take a long hard look at yourselves. I'm sorry that you all have struggles but you need strategies to handle your insecurities and issues and you need to stop blaming your dsd.

As the op's post go on, and get worse, it seems the SD may not have been the bully, her name wasn't even brought up by her DD's when the bullying was happening.
Also it transpires that the DD's are the ones that are jealous of SD, and by the sounds of it so is the op

Okay, I've ordered noise cancelling headphones for all of my DDs (usually only the middle struggles but lets avoid issues right).

Tomorrow I'll sit them down and chat. Im thinking "This is stepdaughters home too, she grew up here and part of us all being a family now mean we will all make compromises, for DSD that looks like being quiet when she gets home, vaping/smoking in the garden (tbf she never complains about this as we all hate the smell of the vapes). For them it looks like accepting there will be music, its her home too and if she/DH/DS/BF want to have a dance party they are welcome to it. She will come home late, but we will put white noise on, ask her to come in through the side door (the front door is right below DDs window and it bangs loudly). We will put the past behind us and move forward and make sure everyone has a nice Christmas. What else should I be saying?

@AquaAnsie why the fuck should your step daughter stay in a hotel. Why don't you book a hotel and take your kids who are all adults with you.

This sums it up. It’s absolutely parasitic.

If I was the SD I’d find it difficult to not treat them all, including her clueless father and minus stepbrother, with the disdain they deserve.

That's a good start.

I'd explain to them that xyz will happen so they expect it.
There will be loud music, there will be new people, there will be outings.

I woukd also lay out expectations: if something makes you uncomfortable, it is ok to retreat to your room.
It's never ok to be snappy.

Explain that they have an important job to do over Christmas, and that job is to pretend on the outside to be calm and polite even if they don't feel that way.

Ask them if there are any places they want to go with you if it gets a bit much. But explain that even if it does get a bit much, it's on them to react well, not on others to adapt.

I appreciate that this step daughter may have behaved badly in the past and that she can be a little bitchy, but all families have to deal with people who aren't like them. You could have this issue even if she was your own child. It's normal for arguments to pop up and for people to need their space in these scenarios - even without the autism.

It sounds to me like she's a successful young woman living her life, who would like to spend Christmas with her dad and partner. If your adult children find that difficult, this is something you probably need to address with them, rather than feeling so negative about your step daughter. If you're feeling like this now, you'll only notice and amplify anything she does that isn't absolutely perfect.

Good start. They need to realise that she compromises and as such they need to as well.

Anytbing you can think of that she’s had to change to fit for you/them. So show it’s not all her being princess but actually she’s sacrificed for them and they need to do the same in return.

You need to arrange outings and activities so your dsd has some privacy and space in her own home.

Christmas is v difficult for some people with ASD. I get why this is hard for OP & her children. Also, seeing independent, financially, socially successful DSD where everything comes easily is going to piss you off when your own find life harder.

But... it is DSD childhood home. You & DD's need to find a way to deal with it. The late nights - prewarn your DD that this is likely and is safe. Let her sleep in late. Get her ear defenders. Let them spend time in their rooms to decompress. Explain to DSD that they can't deal with indirect comments - if that's the case- so if she wants something then she needs to ask directly but kindly. EG "There are enough sausage rolls for us to have 4 each. If you'd like more, you need to go get them yourself" or whatever.

On Christmas Eve we go to my sisters so that's easily sorted.

How about you and your daughters apologise for bullying your stepdaughter and for trying to push her out of her family home because you are jealous of her. The home that is only paid off because her mother died.

Then you can get a full time job, get your kids claiming the disability benefits they should be entitled to and then you can all contribute financially and stop sponging off her dad.

No idea why she would prefer time away just with her dad. Do you @AquaAnsie ? 🙄

Your DSDs mum died when she was 4? Have I misunderstood or is that correct?

Can you and your daughter's go away for a few days and your husband can have quality time with daughter without all the drama