Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

@Hellskitchen24 Has to be. When I was reading it it sounded too similar to not be. I think that poster had her ass handed to her and deleted the thread in the end. Seem to remember she was particularly annoyed about the husband buying his daughter clothes for her job in law and Van Cleef jewellery.

You sound very jealous of your DSD OP. I feel sorry for your DSD. She might have been the "it" girl, but she's worked very hard and done very well for herself so kudos to her. You are not unreasonable to feel the way you feel, as it is what it is, but you sound very bitter. The house is your DSD's as much as it is your DD's. Being pretty and sporty doesnt make one a bully.

DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart

I am speechless. What a nasty thing to say about your own son. "Makes him look smart", so what are you trying to say OP? Are you trying to say he's not smart ? Do you think that perhaps the problem here is you and your daughters? I think its more that you and your dds have an inferiority complex than your DD having a superiority complex. I feel sorry for your DS too. You don't want to acknowledge his achievements because you are too busy being jealous of your DDSD.i don't know why your DP/DH put his DD in this position.

I just re read the original thread and you sound so spiteful . You even moan because your ds gets on with dsd . Your poor husband of course he is gonna side with his daughter .

Just to clarify I haven't posted before and other than the holidays he doesn't buy DSD gifts all that often (though he absolutely can if he wants to, she just prefers the holidays).

In the short term, tell your daughters that you won't tolerate any 'drama' over Christmas. Apologise to your DH for suggesting his daughter should go to a hotel. Admit to him that you aren't handling the blended family situation well and that you need to work on accepting that you need to help your daughters to grow into more resilient adults. Ask your DH and your son to be frank with you and say what they think you could do (or stop doing) to improve the family dynamics.

In the long term, work on improving your relationship with your step daughter. Let her know that you admire her achievements and encourage your daughters to do the same. Reach out to every organisation/charity/society you can find to help you with strategies for building independence and confidence in young adults with autism. Listen more to your son and husband's views on how it's all going and accept their feedback and help.

You have no choice but to be welcoming to your DSD in her own Dad's home. It is for a week.
She will grow up and hopefully more enlightened to how kind, or not, she is.
It is not okay for your daughters to stay in their rooms.
You should try to encourage them to socially progress and to cope with living with a slightly uncomfortable feeling in their stomach.
Perhaps next year they could try doing some volunteer work at the local thrift shop with you then do some shifts on their own.
Being socially more robust could enable your girls to get a job at Maccas or a cafe in the kitchen or at the supermarket or as a childcare assistant in a child care centre.
Take them out of their comfort zone more. Get them in to a swim group or a bush walking club, a community choir.
Work at helping your daughters become independent.

Consentrate on showing your daughters their DSS's positive points and that she is no longer the bully in the playgroud. Teach your daughters resilience.
Plan for a girly massage at a spa. Send your son and the boyfriend on errands and all of you women could chillax and calm down and relearn to trust each other.
I think your feelings of dislike towards DSD are rubbing off on your daughters.

But surely you can see it is a bother for your DSD if you tell her she should be home by a certain time ? Why should she ? She’s a woman in her 20’s, coming back to her hometown for a few days - of course she wants to go out at night, catch up with friends, show her boyfriend the bars and clubs she used to go to at night, have fun m etc. You want to demand she’s home before your DD goes to sleep - surely you can take off your blinkers and see how ridiculous you are being.

My guess is that she wasn’t an ex-wife she was his wife but OP refers to her as an ex, when it should be ‘My DH’s first wife’.

Every post you make is worse and worse.

We are a blended family and I would pray every day to come back and there is such a thing as ghosts and an after life if my husband put our kids in this mess following my death just so he could get his rocks of in the house my death paid for.

The whole thing is so fucking disgusting.

Did you forget what it is like to be young? Not being able to go out on your hometown to see your friends is a huge inconvenience. You are definetly being unreasonable.

ListenIng to music through headphones is 'Not much of a bother' TO YOU.

'Her needs are met perfectly well every other day of the year.' - WHERE YOU ARE CONCERNED.

' The time where DSD is here is made extra hard' FOR YOU ' by it being christmas (already overstimulating) and 'DSD disrupting routine' FOR YOU.

It is all about you.

Never about DSD.

Have you ever considered that autistic traits are often inherited, OP?

Your issue here is not your sd it's your pandering of your daughters. They are adults .They may well be Nd so is my son but no way can you expect your Sd to make it all better nor is it fair to blame her for everything. How do you know for sure your girls arnt making awful remarks to her. If your daughter dosnt like loud music tell her to put a pair of ear defenders on.

Presumably she likes the holidays because they are time with her dad without having to walk on eggshells around 5 other people who moved into her home.

She clarified that he was with her when she died - so she can’t even muster up a grain of respect for her by not calling her his ‘ex’. It’s so gross, it’s vile and disgusting to do that.

I actually feel sorry for your DSD - she may not always be pleasant but she is expected to walk on eggshells for your DDs. Not speaking another language or coming from in late is weird - your daughter will need to build up some resilience.

Your poor dh. How on earth does he cope with this?

Kindly op, you and your dd's need to accept a bit of noise and disruption when your dsd returns to her own home. You all need to access some kind of family therapy to address these issues.

If I was her honestly I would fuck the lot of you out of that house before he is even in his grave and never lay eyes on any of you apart from maybe your son again.

Thank God she has a supportive network away from you all and countinues living her life on her terms independently.

You literally have been able to fund and pander to your kids in a way you never would have achieved on your own because her mother died, left a fully paid of assest for you lot to move into and you are even contemplating her not staying there and moaning music.

The Fonz is about to rev up his motorbike and head for the ocean…

Tell them to appreciate the fact that this is your DSD’s childhood home, she lived there with her Dad and dead mother, and it’s still very much her home. How it’s obviously difficult for her to come home and see you all living there and resenting her. How you realise that none of you have been welcoming to her and that needs to change. That is it perfectly ok to come home late at night as long as she keeps noise to a minimum, that it’s not her fault any of you are light sleepers and it’s just for a few days. That the music playing isn’t all that bad and maybe they could use ear plugs.

OP, I really think the best solution for everyone involved is for you and your children to stay in a hotel when DSD visits. I'm quite serious. It sounds like you and your children make her visits unpleasant and oppressive.
Your DD also gets stressed out, so why not take her away?
The answer to all the issues you raise isn't to banish DSD to a hotel or impose unreasonable rules on a grown woman in her family home. It's best you all go away for a bit and let her enjoy time with her dad in peace. Let her be young and carefree in her own home, not stepping on eggshells as your DH rightly points out.

Such is the thematic similarity of these recent evil stepmother/rich, spoiled motherless daughter threads that I reckon they're posted by someone who is:

• reliving childhood issue relating to living in a blended family with a step sibling they viewed as superior/luckier than them in some way.

• keen on upsetting women, most of whom they know will have children, by planting in their heads possible scenario of what might occur in the event of their death. Eg, gormless widower takes up with some black widow spider type, who moves her own kids into the family home and pushes the orphaned child out of the nest so her own kids can reap the benefits of the stepchild's inheritance.

This thread has got worse and worse.

Started with her daughters being fully funded to live in DH's house and annoyed that his own daughter visits for 3 days, went on to explain that on TWO occasions, one when DD was ruining a walk by moaning, DSD has made catty comments.

She requests that DSD will completely curtail her social life in order to avoid "scaring" 23 yo DD (later saying that she, as the mother of an extremely noise-sensitive autistic DD, does not know where to obtain noise-cancelling headphones.)

Then she's a high school bully, but actually, all evidence suggests she was never a high school bully and simply had a lot of friends, some of whom were bullies.

Oh, and by the way, the catty comment that DSD made was instantly apologised for. And DD has also made catty comments calling her a bully, but then admitting she actually wasn't a bully, but now she says she was a bully, and the inconsistencies in this story do not make OP doubt for a minute that DSD was a bully. 10 years ago.

All of which leads her to ask DH to put DSD in a hotel and not let her stay at her childhood home.

Then she slips in (with barely concealed resentment) that DH pays for ski-ing trips for his daughter, whilst paying for all of her adult daughters' living costs including rent for the one who doesn't even live there.

And finally admits that this girl lost her mother at the age of 4 and the whole family are living off the insurance from her dead mother, who she refers to as an "ex-wife" as if death and divorce are similar reasons for not being around.

It really sounds like a bad fairytale- the wicked stepmother and the 4 freeloaders.
Op honestly just comes across as a gold digger and her and and her middle daughter as bitches and bullies.

@AquaAnsie why are you so mean to your son about him liking your sd? Have you considered that they just get on well? That he enjoys being around someone he doesn't have to pander to and doesn't have to walk on eggshells for? It sounds like you've prioritised your daughters, particularly the middle one, their whole lives.