Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I think your DH should be able to have his daughter visit for a few days without it being an issue.

On a day to day basis it sounds like he must accommodate your children's additional needs quite a lot. His daughter impacts very little on the family in comparison.

They are all adults so really they need to just get on with it. They all left school quite a long time ago. How she was as a teenage is not necessarily how she is now. It sounds like she's achieved a lot.

She'll not moving in permanently. She'll just visiting and introducing everyone to her boyfriend. Blended families work both ways.

What else can you do?

Take responsibility for your actions and your children, and not dump them on your DSD. That would be a good start.

I hope this poor man doesnt get completely fleeced by your whole brood and you before he decided what to leave to his own child.

Let’s be honest, your daughters probably think the step-daughter is a bitch (and so do you) and the step-daughter probably thinks your girls are drips…fair enough…but the poor things have been forced in to each others lives through absolutely no doing of their own.

The step-daughters grandparents think the world of her because A) She sounds bright and successful and B) She lost her mother at a young age and has excelled despite that. That’s an awful thing for her to go through. She’s probably had to toughen up.

The only one who escaped the fold and managed to get an education.

Your step daughter isn’t your school bully
or mean girl.

Your step daughter didn’t bully your daughter.

Shes just a smart pretty girl with a dead mum.

You’ve moved into her dead mums home with your children and pushed her out.

Yes you need to stop pandering and you need help to separate you’re childhood issues from her.

There was a post on here a few months ago that sounded very similar. Woman complaining about her husband buying expensive gifts for his daughter and that she was going to be a lawyer. The posters main post was about her wanting the daughter to give up her bigger room in the house her husband owned or something along those lines. The husband was a widower and had lived in France. Sounds exactly like this poster. I’d be surprised if it wasn’t the same person.

Both women sounded incredibly jealous and bitter of their step daughter.

And is clearly team DSD

I’m glad that this thread has led you to reflect on this.

Whilst I think you’ve been completely unreasonable about DSD, I respect that you’ve taken on board what people have said. Many people aren’t able to do that.

This discussion reminds me why I pray every day to live a long life. I can’t imagine someone taking full advantage of what my husband and I built and speaking about my child the way you do. The least you could do is make her feel welcome in her childhood home. Instead, you seem so entitled to the life you have that you can’t even see it.

If I were your husband, this attitude alone would make me question the marriage. You expect the house to revolve around your family’s needs while sidelining his daughter, who visits sparingly and tries to be considerate, even going out of her way not to make noise when she comes home late. It’s astonishing how you frame her presence as a burden, as if she doesn’t have the right to visit her own home.

Your stepdaughter lost her mother at a young age and has had to navigate life with that loss. It’s understandable if this has made her defensive or independent, but instead of offering her compassion, you meet her with hostility. This is her family home—arguably even more hers since it was paid for by the circumstances of her mother’s passing—and she has every right to feel welcome there.

Her position is incredibly difficult, and it’s heartbreaking to think how isolating this must feel for her:
• Her father’s home is now shared with her stepmother’s adult children, making her feel disconnected.
• She’s had to build her life independently, which might come across as “superior,” but is likely rooted in the strength she’s had to develop due to her loss.

Your children have the privilege of having their mother and a father figure in their daily lives, something your stepdaughter does not. Yet, instead of acknowledging this, you criticize her and resist her presence.

It’s completely reasonable for her to want to bring her boyfriend for comfort, especially when it seems clear this house doesn’t feel like a welcoming place for her. Instead of dreading her visit, perhaps focus on creating an environment where she feels included and respected. That effort could go a long way toward healing the tension in your family.

How did your husband get the life insurance from his ex wife? Surely that should go to her child not her ex husband?

Does your step daughter already own the house?

Well that was very short sighted. A house is an investment. Probably the best investment you could make. I bet you'd struggle to buy it back again now, with that money you invested elsewhere. You should have kept it and rented it out. At least if your marriage didn't work you'd have it to go back to. Or you could have put your adult children there and then your husband wouldn't have got lumbered with keeping them for the foreseeable future.

I bet he's wishing he'd never let you sell it now.

The question is why the fuck haven't you done that already. Shame on you. This is you and your daughter's massive issues and you do nothing but try and push a daughter away from her father instead.

Stop demonising this poor woman who you are all embarrassingly jealous of and have latched on to her only remaining parent as a cash cow.

Why the hell he's allowing it...

Good for him! He can probably see them all for what they really are as well.

Sums it up perfectly.

this was the one!!! I couldn’t remember the story but my money is on this being the same person!

Maybe instead of focusing on how you
ensure you middle daughter never experiences any kind of negative emotion focus on helping her learn coping strategies and ways to find a job. There is help and support out there for neurodivergent individuals with training and apprenticeship etc. Start helping her take steps to be independent.

Yes. You beed therapy.

its just my worst nightmare. Imagine if that poor mum knew that her death would only really benefit her ex husbands new wife who treats her smart beautiful daughter like shit. You talk of bullying but can you not see you have bullied her?

What does DH get out of this marriage? You must be the perfect wife, great cook, cleaner and dirty in bed 😂

I think you need to take a step away from this situation and try to look at it from a neutral point of view.

someone is not welcome in their childhood home because they may or may not have bullied someone when they were in school. Everyone involved is now an adult.

nasty comments have been said on both sides, both sides need to make accommodations for each other.

They were together when she died, I guess late wife would have been the right words not ex.

To be honest, it sounds like youreresentful of how you perceive DSD has had such a good start at life, especially considering the challenges your children had faced.

Yes she may have had opportunities, and uni, and great hobbies etc. She also lost her mum at a crucial time to her, that's something nothing can make up for.

Christmas is about compromises and trying not to fall out with various members of the family. It's only a few days, I have no doubt your DSD will be feeling her bereavement. Perhaps being mindful of that may help

Do you not see how cruel this sounds? You don’t like your husband’s daughter visiting because she disrupts routine ????

Again, show this thread to your husband. See what he says.

Two words.:: centre parcs 😉