Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I think you and your daughter’s have an inferiority complex. You know the SD could run rings around you and the crux of it is, you live in her home. You sound really bitter that your SD has the biggest bedroom. It was HER HOME long before you all came on the scene.

If your daughters are so sensitive to strangers, why on earth did you marry a man with Kids and ship all of your lot in to THEIR family home. Let alone marry the father of someone she didn’t see eye to eye with at school. That’s bonkers. That would hurt the most hardy of teenagers. Did you not think she might clash with the SD? That the SD would have friends and boyfriends come and stay in her own home. They sound incredibly sensitive. Why is she scared if the step daughter goes out late? Do you never go out late? Does your DH not ever come in late? Even if your step daughter was Miss Honey and the world’s nicest, most wholesome girl, I reckon at age 26, she’d still stay out after the clock strikes 12 and she also might play some music. Why should she use earphones?? It’s HER home.

What things calm her?

white noise? Colouring in? Stuffies? Weighted blanket?

All things that make her feel safe and secure that she can use and retreat to are the answer for her learning coping skills. Not just people tip toeing.

Quite frankly OP, take your daughters and spend Christmas somewhere else and let this girl and her dad have some time together in their family home.

What your sd is going through is probably the worst nightmare for most of us if we predecease our husbands. Can't she go to an hotel for christmas because we have moved into her family home and find her inconvenient. Unbelievable.

Neither of you should have married each other. Him because it is completely unfair on his daughter. You because if you are to be believed (well if your guess is to be believed) you moved your daughters into a house that is the home of a girl who bullied them. Who does that??? What on earth was your reasoning?

I feel sorry for your daughters and I feel very sorry for the stepdaughter. Also sorry for the useless dad who will find that his dd will gradually just stop coming home at all - of course she didn't want to come home during covid -imagine the welcome she'd have had.

And then you have the gall to be sniffy about them going snowboarding once a year when he pays half your daughter's rent! like seriously OP there is something wrong with you.

You can get over yourself and try and build a relationship with your husband’s daughter. Bit late.

your post has made me want to cry… because i have never feared dying so much and some absolute awful human stepping into my children’s life.

There’s an absolute whiff of Evil Stepmother from you.

The poor thing isn’t even allowed visit her dad for Christmas.

How can they build resilience if they don't experience negative emotions? That's part of growing up. Things aren't what you want them to be but you have to find a way to cope with it.

Like others, I feel sorry for your DSD. She's lost her mum and her step mum is jealous of the person she is. I'm happy her dad is standing up to you and not pushing her aside for his new family.

Goodness grief. Disrupting routine? You do realise that you and your adult children are living in HER family home. And given the house is mortgage free and your husband covers all the bills, you must be doing better financially than 99% of the population. And yet you are moaning about his only child staying for a few days. Where would you and your adult children be living if her father wasn’t financially supporting you all? You sound atrocious.

Your feelings around your first collapsed marriage, your tight finances, choosing to have children with someone who sounds like a crap dad, your DCs' disabilities are NOT the responsibility of your DSD. In fact, they're absolutely nothing to do with her.

It really is Cinderalla.

Your dsd is clearly very intelligent and will hopefully get some advice from work as to how to get you lot of freeloaders out of HER house.

So the DSD's inheritance from her dead mother paid for the house the OP lives in which makes it all the more galling that the OP and her children make her feel so unwelcome in a home she presumably partially owns already.

It might not be a bother to you but you’re so obsessed with pandering to your over-infantilised adult daughter that you clearly have absolutely no idea what would be considered a bother to anyone else.

If my parents had ever tried to tell me, an adult, that I had to be home before another adult went to beddy-byes so I didn’t ‘scare’ her, I’d have thought my parents had lost their fucking minds.

The more I read of your posts, the more I am on team DSD. You sound awful, you even resent your DSD keeping her childhood bedroom. Yourself and your daughters moved into her dead Mum’d house and ever since tried to edge her out. It’s still her home to come back to, she actually has more right to be in the house than your daughters.

I think deep down you know this girl did not bully your daughter but it suits your narrative.

Have you ever thought how difficult it must be for your DSD to have another woman and her children move into her dead mother’s home ? Have you never thought it is perfectly normal for her age group to be out late at night, play music, etc. Maybe you should tell your own daughters to wear ear-plugs and just put op with a little late night noise as it’s only for a few weeks.

Your DSD is right, her Dad is supporting your daughters. It must be hard for her to see that and knowing and feeling unwelcome in the home of her dead mum by you and your daughters. I’d say how dare you to suggest she stays in a hotel - more like it, you and your daughters go stay in a hotel.

If you wanted to get married you should have held off until your children were able to live independently and if your wanted to live in DH’a home done so quietly respecting the fact that it is DSD family home which was paid for in part by her mother’s death.

This is as others have said a mother’s nightmare.

@AquaAnsie

Also, I don't think it is fair that we are saying DSD should be allowed to do xyz in her own home.

I think it's totally fair that she does what she wants in her own home!

@AquaAnsie

she can go out late if she wants, she is an adult. You can’t impose a curfew when she’s visiting her dad…

I posted upthread but I am now convinced that OP is a troll.

No one can be this self-absorbed and thick-skinned.

She’s going to turn up with a really hot, smart, caring Prince Charming boyfriend, and then we’ll really hear about it.

The more that’s written the more it’s like your daughter trying to bully your step daughter out of not just her home but out of a father.

And what about you? Are you jealous too?

Can I just say, I do like DSD, I've gone with DH to visit her before without my kids and I do appreciate that she is genuinely smart and I never said she didn't work hard.
I will thank everyone here for pointing out that I pander to my DDs too much, TBH i think I've spent so many years defending them that I've lost perspective. I find Christmas really tense and that definitely doesn't help.
DSD is also much like the girls I was intimidated of when I was younger and I probably pass that to my kids. Maybe I need therapy to be able to help my kids better.

Poor man, so he pays rent to one of your kids, why?

It’s not just the OP’s daughter trying to bully her out, the OP herself is the ringleader.

I am just curious OP - don't you & your husband ever go out? Never watch TV playing quite loudly? Never listen to music? Never do something which is out of the routine? Is your whole live dictated by your adult DD needs?

Yes a whole gang of them apart from the son.