Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

you sound so jealous if her

I doubt she bullied them either. The fact that someone speaking in their native tongue was enough to make them feel bullied, suggests they are just paranoid with victim complexes.

This.

A boyfriend spoke in his native language in your DSDs home and that upset your dds to the point that you don't want boyfriends included anymore?
There is also no evidence that your DSD bullied your dds but, because she was friends with them (or rather, friends with everyone), you've condemned her?

I sympathise with your dsd. Her father is supporting someone elses adult children and she's not even welcome in her own home.

Invested it where? What is the plan if something were to happen to DH?

I think DH has done the absolute minimum by his daughter tbh. I wouldn’t expect my dad to be single forever but I’d have been absolutely devastated if he moved 4 adults into our family home.

She has been robbed of the typical experience of a young adult of middle class parents. Not only does she not have a mother she doesn’t have a family home to go back to where she can experience unconditional love & chill out.

It is massively unreasonable to expect an adult to come home early, not to listen to music, or not to chat to her own boyfriend in her preferred language. She is not a guest; she is your DH’s own daughter and this is as much her home as it is theirs, whether she grew up there or not. It’s perfectly reasonable that she would

You are being ridiculous. Your daughters are adults and need to learn coping mechanisms like most other high-functioning autistic adults do, instead of you making your DH’s own child pussyfoot around them and pander to their sensitivities. It’s only for a few days.

Arguments between siblings are normal and I can absolutely see why your DSD lost it with your DD.

It’s also normal and reasonable for an adult to want to have their partner with them at Christmas.

You sound so resentful, unwelcoming and bitter towards a woman who was essentially pushed out by your own children and their needs. It’s obvious you massively resent your DH’s relationship with his adult daughter. You should be pleased that your DS gets on with her and her boyfriend, not annoyed.

I feel really sorry for your DSD who is still being
vilified for your DD’s problems at school, which happened years ago and which she might not have been really involved in anyway. Plus, if your DD is as hypersensitive as you suggest, I’m guessing that her idea of ‘bullying’ is very much not the same as most other people’s. Honestly, this has just made me feel sad for your DSD and to an extent your DH too.

She's never heard a foreign language before so he can’t speak Italian?? Are you actually for real?

Exactly this.

She does sound like there's a lot to be proud of, and you sound over defensive and mainly jealous.

Even blaming her for your adult daughter waking and being scared, when she's doing absolutely nothing wrong, even being quiet by all accounts. But it's selfish DSD you leap too. Why can't the adult in question do something about it? Ear plugs? Anything else?

It doesn't sound like DH is the one who can't accept any fault with their daughter(s)

Op honestly, delete this threat and stop compromising yourself even more.

Your jealousy towards your stepdaughter is so obvious, it must be eating you alive knowing that most people are on her side. The problem is you and your entitled daughter, not her.

Just curious, if your husband was already divorced from DSD's mum when she died, and her life insurance paid for the house, why doesn't DSD already own it? Even if kept in some kind of trust. Surprised she won't get it until her father dies.

Not read the full thread but you and your daughters are obviously so jealous of this girl as she's slim, gorgeous, well educated and has a really good job. Very enviable things. I wonder if your DS finds her attractive? 😂

Good god the more I read actually it's your daughters that sound like the nightmare!

OP you are being really mean on you dsd.

Imagine how she feels that her dad basically has all your children living in the house and she is made to feel like she is a nuisance when she returns.

You and you dh really didn't think things through when you got together because how did you think it was going to play out if your dsd had bullied your dd.

Sadly it's not uncommon for fathers to let step parents push their own children out the house and replace with their own. My FIL has allowed it to happen to my husband. DH is 48 and the rage he felt means that he knows longer has a relationship with his dad.

Shame on you and your DH for letting this situation arise. If I were your DH I would book to take dsd away for Christmas somewhere special ON HER OWN and tell you and your get on with it. Id also be re- evaluting my life choices.

How do you think your DH would react if you showed him this thread?

Honestly @AquaAnsie ? What would he say?

All this stuff about DSD “bullying” your daughter by proxy as a teenager and yet no recognition that you want to bully her out of her own home now, as an adult.

I have young kids like many here I’m sure. I find this a bit devastating.

👏 👏 👏

I actually hope the DM picks this one up, so that the DH is made aware of how his DW and her freeloaders think of his DD, so he can kick them all to the kerb.

OP I think you really need to expand your children's worlds for their sake.

People won't pander to them their whole lives, it is not acceptable to be asking your DSD to come home early because your daughter gets scared. People are allowed to talk in foreign languages especially if it's their mother tongue.

I understand having four children was tough and you probably did pander to it but what's going to happen when you aren't here? They need to learn coping strategies.

Okay, so I'll get DD ear defenders, what else can I do?
I don't want this high tension home over Christmas.
I'll admit I think my DD's are quite jealous of DSD which doesn't help. Even before DH and I were together she was the it girl at their school.

They take after their mum 😂

This!!

That bullying accusation from your daughter is pretty awful, OP. Your daughter did a nasty thing.

Being in the same friendship group as the bullies does not make her a bully. And adult should have pulled their friends up on that type of behaviour, but you can't hold a teen responsible for their peers' behaviour.

That is totally not ok to suggest a hotel for her!! Your dh puts up with a lot- multiple adult children living with you possibly long term is a radically different prospect to what he and most adults imagine their life will be. Also, her going out late is so incredibly normal and expected, I don’t know why it would come up in an example of you walk on eggshells as you can’t say don’t do that, except that you don’t like her at all. It’s her father and her childhood house and do you not realise that while you’re saying she is the badly behaved one you’re an adult with totally unreasonable and unempathetic thoughts? I really think while this is very hard for your daughters you need to talk to them about coping (and yourself) and maturity rather than seethe about this girl. The compliments all seem accurate too- yes she is smart after all.

and I don't find saying no music or home before she sleeps is that much of a bother.

If you genuinely don't see anything wrong with wanting to impose restrictions on when another adult can come home in order to pander to another adult, then you've lost the plot.

I do hope your husband finds this thread.

@AquaAnsie are you starting to see though that all this pandering to your middle DD isn’t helpful though - nothing you have said your DSD does is unreasonable given it is her home and will be her home long after you have gone

maybr look at it from her perspective and see actually how even from what you have said about her she seems to be quite gracious is giving up her home and space to people who resent her and the fact she goes snowboarding with her father a couple of times a year