Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Then you need to help your middle child manage their emotions. You have no right to demand that other people don’t music and that they must be home before your DD sleeps. Have you heard yourself?? Your daughter is an adult, not a toddler!

Honest to god, I do wonder about some people.

You married the father of your children's bully and now there are problems. What a shocker.

Perhaps it would be better for your DD if you both moved out then you can ensure her needs are met, expecting everyone else to do that is ridiculous

i sold that house and invested the money when I moved in with DH. Our finances are all what DH has suggested.

Why is it ok for DSD to be rejected and stressed and uncomfortable in her own home, but not your DD’s? They sound like a nightmare, tbh. You haven’t helped them be able to cope with life; they want everyone to adjust around them, cause autism.

She shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in the house she grew up in, that 3 of your children live in. Would a gentle white noise machine help your daughter overnight to block out the noise? Something nice like soft rain. Could your daughter wear headphones to block out noise whilst music is being played? I understand that autism is challenging to manage, but for 3-4 days, over Christmas, your stepdaughter does deserve to come home and enjoy herself. Siblings can be mean to one another, I’ve got 4, and 2 of them hate each other, one is nasty to the other, the other doesn’t retaliate, it’s crap, but shes a mean girl who has got away with it for too long.

OP your husband must be an absolute saint.
I just don’t know how you have the nerve to keep criticising his beautiful, educated daughter for daring to want to come home to her own house, with her own Dad for Christmas.
You are so arrogant in your replies you can’t see the wood for the trees, wake up and look at yourself and your family.
I hope she puts you all on your place and that he supports her one hundred percent.

☝🏻

This is still not for your step daughter to have to handle. You aren’t doing your daughter any favours here.

Asking someone to listen to music with headphones when their are people with sensory issues in the house, isn't an unreasonable request (though better to ask your husband to speak to his daughter himself I would think - will he?).

Asking her not to go out at night does seem really very restrictive though. She is an adult, you have moved into her childhood home. She only comes back for short periods of time (as is normal) and presumably wants to catch up with her old friends, etc.

Do you honestly feel it is right for you to limit that, on the few days a year she gets the chance to do it, because of your daughter's sleep patterns?

Ask her to be as quiet as possible when getting back in, sure. But imposing a curfew? That seriously seems fair to you?

Op do you honestly think it's ok to ask an adult to be home before your DD is asleep, due to the fact you've pandered to her as it was easier for you as ok?
Can you really not see how it is wrong on so many levels?

Her needs are met perfectly well every other day of the year. The time where DSD is here is made extra hard by it being christmas (already overstimulating) and DSD disrupting routine.

I bet there's so much to this story we're not hearing.

It was only after another (frankly crazy) poster suggested DSD stay at a hotel over Christmas, that OP admitted she already had. That is one of the meanest things I've ever heard.

What else have you said/done, if you think this is acceptable?

PS I don't agree that with people saying DSD was one of the bullies.

However that weight comment was really really nasty.

Your poor DH, he's got himself in a right pickle!

It reminds me of the thread where the step mother said she's uncomfortable about her 17 year old step daughter sitting on her dads lap at a family event. Same posting style, similar number of kids and zero insight. There's nothing stranger than folk.

Could even be a bot. Who knows these days.

Perhaps I am over protective of my DDs, I hate seeing them stressed and uncomfortable, maybe that isn't bringing out the best side of me.

Gently, you need to learn to live with the discomfort you feel when they are uncomfortable and also to help them to find coping strategies when life isn’t just as they’d want it. I know it’s hard when we see our children struggle, but supported struggling is what helps us to build resilience and coping strategies. Smoothing the way so that everything is as they would always want it is disempowering for them. There’s self esteem and life skills to be had by working through things you find hard. My DSis has been amazed at what her ASD and ADHD DD has managed with the right level of support and in some cases a bit of a push. If your DDs think you will always make life better for them they will believe that they don’t have it in themselves to do so.

Perhaps you and DD should move out for Christmas then, use some of your investment money while DSD enjoys HER home

At their ages now you really need to teaching and helping them learn coping techniques.

No it’s not fine to tell a 20 odd year old you must be home for 10pm in what is also their home just because one person sleeps lightly.

It’s not ok to just say no loud music ever.

She’s barely there as it is. Your daughter can comfort 4 days even if it was every month. She needs to learn to cope with things she doesn’t like and find techniques that help her cope. Such as white noise, noice cancelling headphones. Maybe you also need to take her out more if someone not speaking English is such a big deal as well.

You seem to have such a victim mentality. So unreasonable. Yet you are trying to push your stepdaughter out of her childhood home and paint her as a villain. Wow.

I dont believe she bullied you daughter either. Her name was never mentioned to you so i cant see her being a contender. Your daughter probably has the same victim mentality as you do.

Well you and your kids are benefiting from her dead mothers money so you're all just going to have to accept step daughter visiting. Or move out.

Must be a wind up, no one is this arrogant

OP, you know that your husband's dd WILL be staying at the house. Rather than moaning on MN, why don't you go away on a mini holiday with the daughter who isn't coping. Or realise that the situation isn't fair on anyone and move into your own place so you can ensure your grown up dd's comfort at all times.

“DSD disrupting routine”

You are so nasty to this girl! It’s her house!

It's not a bother to you but your middle child is an adult who needs to have strategies to cope with other people leading normal lives. If noise upsets her then she needs noise-cancelling earphones not the expectation that other people will live silently and come home early.

You say if she's uncomfortable it's miserable for everyone else - that has to stop! Her discomfort isn't anyone else's problem, it's her own so get some help for her to manage adult life or how is she ever going to function without you?

Indeed. How about dsd had a lovely
life with her father in a happy home till a step mother and four disruptive children moved in and made everyone walk on egg shells…

apart from anything else, OP hasn't actually said the SDD plays her music loudly - the problem just seems to be that she dares to play it at all!
Which does raise the question of whether her poor DH is allowed to make any noise at all in his own home, if they are that sensitive.