Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Yes this is exactly what I said. There was a massive thread not long ago along the very same theme. I believe it must be a troll looking for reactions as the “stories “ are too similar.

OP saw her meal ticket.....

Oh is this the tennis daughter. With family in France? If I remember correctly.

Just to clarify, no I haven't posted before.

Perhaps I am over protective of my DDs, I hate seeing them stressed and uncomfortable, maybe that isn't bringing out the best side of me.

Ahhhahhhahaha 😂It's getting better and better

If you are so concerned about your dd, you have the option to move into the rental accommodation, or better still leave this man and his daughter in peace and go back to wherever you came from.

I am liking this step daughter more and more. Speaking other languages and being very sophisticated.

Of course they were talking about your dd and you, only they did it in a classy way, not that you'd know what that is. 😂😂😂

He was also loud all the time
That's quite racist.

I am trying to imagine a post written in reverse from the DH’s point of view? Firstly, the finances would be brought up as an issue. Secondly, the right to family property. Thirdly, the fact that a daughter who had lost her mother was under such scrutiny.
Maybe she has been a bit wrapped up but her mother died. Maybe she was on friendly terms with some school bullies but that doesn’t make her one. Maybe she’s enjoying life in her twenties.
There have been some posts on here recently of men dishing out some hideous behaviours to their wives truly, truly awful.
This man has lost his first wife. His daughter, who could have gone off the rails, has gone to Oxbridge and has a high flying career. He likes to spend some time/money on her and maintain her room at home because that’s absolutely normal. She’s only 24.
The DS involved probably just likes a bit of a change in company, other young people to mix with.
As for this young woman speaking French and Italian that’s her right. It’s not like she’s got a crack pipe out in the lounge.
I do remember a similar thread on here recently about a young woman who still had a ‘master’ bedroom in her own home and her dad bought her designer clothes and accessories to wear for work.
He is her father. He’s allowed to.
It is not very often I think this in here, but it sounds like this man is really kind-hearted and generous.
What if for some reason his daughter got a job nearby and wanted to move back home? It’s her home.
She might not be perfect, she might be a bit stuck-up, but she sounds to me like she’s taken the life she’s been given and is doing her best to enjoy it.

Really? You don't think telling a 20 something year old that she has to use headphones to listen to music is making her walk on eggshells?

If your DD can't tolerate noises, how about she wears noise cancelling headphones then?

You remember SD saying unkind things she also quickly apologised for - has your DD apologised for nastily calling SD a bully, something no-one has confirmed is actually true?

Honestly I can't believe people like this exist. SD has 3 adults living in her childhood home, them and an additional one supported by her father, and she's supposed to sneak around on eggshells or better, stay in a hotel?

The subsequent updates... this is why stepmothers get called 'wicked.'
I say this as a stepmother. I can't imagine ever having such resentment towards my SC. You're fighting a losing battle pitting yourself against his DD.

Has it never occurred to you that your DH has taken on a whole lot more in your DC than you have by seeing your independent SD once in a while! Honestly my DH would divorce me if he thought I felt that way towards his kids and rightfully so! The lack of self awareness is rather shocking.

It actually makes me feel a bit sick that her mum dying has allowed OP to be in such positive mortgage free position… and she wants her to go to a hotel. Her childhood trauma is literally paying her step sisters rent

But they are adults and you’ve not equipped them with the basic life skills to deal with people Coming home at 11pm or playing music.

You’ve not helped them learn coping techniques, you’ve just pandered.

Im curious where would you & your children be living if you hadn’t met DH?

Your DD’s are going to have to get to grips with their issues. The world will not stop turning because they can’t cope with it. People will live their lives, make noise, come and go… and your DD’s have got to work out how they can best deal with this.

Your DSD is fully entitled to come back to her family home. It was her home long before you and your kids moved in.

I probably have pandered a little, but with 4 kids and a useless ex I didn't have much in the way of resources, it was often easier to just keep the peace. When my middle child is uncomfortable it is miserable for everyone involved, and I don't find saying no music or home before she sleeps is that much of a bother.

Or the OP really is just horribly fixated on the SD. There’s another poster who turns up around Christmas every year who is obsessively, insanely jealous of his boyfriend’s relationship with his younger brother. I never know whether he’s a troll or just completely unhinged. I have met plenty of people who are irrationally hostile to in-laws, step-children/siblings/parents. Hell, even toward relative strangers where you’d expect the feelings to run far less deeply. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a troll, but nor would I be surprised if it’s real.

Where we were before we met him, a small 3 bed terrace which I bought with my half of the sale of our family home when I got divorced 11 years ago.

I feel so sorry for your DSD - I can’t imagine losing your mother then 5 new people moving in, 4 of whom are clearly so against you. I can’t believe you suggested to your husband his daughter stay in a hotel over Christmas and suggesting she shouldn’t go on a night out is crazy! As is criticising the fact she and her Italian boyfriend spoke Italian. And having the odd holiday paid for is not the same as your rent being paid for. It’s particularly interesting you seem annoyed with your son for getting on with her. And talking about her trophies still being there shows how much disdain you have for her. Mine and my friends bedrooms in childhood homes throughout 20s were pretty untouched - all sorts of random stuff from being young that we never got around to sorting. It’s hardly like it’s all on show in the communal areas, it’s in her bedroom 🙄

It’s your SD’s house too. What about her feeling stressed and uncomfortable. Your daughters anxieties are not for her to manage and the dd being upset than a boyfriend spoke in his native language is so incredibly self absorbed I can’t believe this isn’t a wind up.

Her room isn't a shrine, it's her childhood bedroom and of course it's the second largest, her parents paid for it

Why can't she come and go as she pleases? You expect her to change her routine to suit your DD but why should she?

You must be a good step mum – not.

Agree with @SallyWD

I do understand and it does sound hard. However, can you see it from DSD's point of view? This is her family home where she grew up and there's now another woman and her daughter's living there who clearly really don't want her there, on the rare occasions she visits her dad. Perhaps this is why she's a little bitchy - she may feel pushed out. Her bringing her boyfriend to stay shouldn't be an issue. It's her family home, it's Christmas. Why wouldn't she bring him?

DSD should be able to come & go as she pleases in her old family home. Your children appear to be still living in her former home & see her Dad on a daily basis. Maybe you could go spend a few days away with DDs doing something they would enjoy & avoid all the drama?

Expecting others to be home before your adult daughter does to sleep is crazy!!

It’s a bother. To not allow a mid twenties adult go out at Christmas to see friends, whatever she wants to do. You’ve said she’s quiet coming in.

im so so so sorry this poor motherless girl ended up with you.

If you have a house why does DH need to pay rent for one of your DC? Do you not feel a bit self conscious around DSD about not paying towards the house & on top DH paying one of your children’s rent?

It was a lot for my DD, we've spoken about it since and on his subsequent visits she handled it better but we live in a small rural town, she hadn't actually met anyone whos first language wasn't english before this and none of my DDs have been abroad to experience it.