Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

THE DSD WAS NOT THE BULLY, her friends were. FFS why can’t anyone seem to grasp this?

No, that is complete nonsense. Your DD could wear noise cancelling headphones if the music bothers her. If it isn't bothering anyone else in the house, presumably it's not that loud? And why would it "scare" your DD if your SD goes out at night? That is an unreasonable reaction to a normal event, and it is up to you to help her develop strategies to cope. It isn't your SD's job to forego her social life to pander to her step-sister's irrational fear.

Honestly, the more you write the more unreasonable you sound. Have you taken on board anything that anyone has said here?

Jesus Christ. You and your children live rent free in that poor girls home courtesy of her dead mother’s life insurance but have the gall to write this? I’m really sorry your daughter has struggles and was bullied but no one is going to revolve their world around her nor should they have too. If I’m honest you and your children sound insurance like you’re taking advantage hugely. So funny you spoke about the class differences (I assume to try to get sympathy) but you have no advantage marrying the man who raised her, provided her with the upbringing and letting him fund the lifestyle of you and your multiple children. Keep treating her this way and I won’t be surprised if she asks her dad to choose because she can’t stand you in her life any longer. You desperately need to introspect.

Can you find it? Would be interested to see! I’m honestly shocked at the OP’s attitude.

I absolutely hope so. She'll outsmart OP no doubt.

I really feel that the OP can surely not be real. Are there people who are so full of spite, entitledness, lack of empathy and maturity? Who see nothing wrong with imposing 4 grown up children on a young person's life and invading their home? It lacks all common decency. I want this thread to be a troll thread.

How stupid OP's husband is to have fallen for a woman who expects him to embrace all 4 adults who do not support themselves financially while she is a hateful step mother to his only child.

Please let this be a wind up.

After reading OP’s replies I hope she does.

Oh my God, you sound more and more outrageous by the minute. I DO DO hope your husband sees the light in 2025 and kicks the lot of you out.

The boyfriend is a whole other issue, I doubt she will be on her best behaviour for him as she never did this for the last boyfriend. Her last boyfriend actually contributes to why my DDs struggle with strangers around, he and DSD would chat in italian or french half the time which made my DDs paranoid they were talking about her (boyfriend was italian and both DSD and the BF spoke french as a second language).He was also loud all the time, if he had been more considerate they would probably handle strangers better!

The more you post, the more I actually feel sorry for your DSD. Are you sure her name isn’t Cinderella?

I get that she may not be a stereotypical caring nurturing female. she’s too smart and too pretty for you to approve of her and clearly her achievements are done just to show off and show up your DC <irony button off>

She may not be the most kind person, but her mother died and she’s disliked by her father’s second wife whose children dominate what is actually her family home.

She can’t relax in her own home without scaring her father’s wife’s DC who are intimidated by her - seemingly for her just being herself.

And she’s dared to be highly achieving and successful- but these are not things she’s done simply to make your DC feel bad.

It’s really sad to read how a young woman has been sidelined by her father’s choices and carped at for being pretty smart and successful. How very dare she?

No wonder she was talking to her BF in French (his language - how very dare he?). You need to parent your DC to help them understand that not everything your DSD does is about them.

Your doing your daughters no favours.

People are allowed to speak another language, they are allowed to stay out after 10pm and rarely since she’s rarely there play should music loud and dance to it.

Unless your daughters are going to get magical unicorn jobs to afford them detached houses in lots of land. Noise happens. People live their lives.

Your doing her a disservice by never making her learn how to deal with things she finds uncomfortable.

People with autism can and do learn coping techniques if they are supported rather than just everyone constantly tip toeing to them and it’s what they need to learn to survive in the outside world.

@AquaAnsie have you posted before? If not there's two absolute dickhead men, a DD whose inheritance is being pissed away and a piss taking beneficiary whose picture should be in the dictionary under 'entiled'. I hate the term grabby, but you and your children personify it.

I am acutally starting to think this can't possibly be real.

It’s extraordinary, not only is this DSD’s family home but the reason there is no mortgage to pay is because DSD mother died.

OP the absolute minimum DSD should expect is to be able to enjoy her own family home at Christmas and do what she likes.

Im baffled at how you cannot seem to see the extreme financial advantage you are benefitting from.

Her room is not a “shrine” it’s simply her childhood bedroom with her stuff, of course her grandparents adore her and she’s worked hard to get where she is.

I’m be absolutely raging if it was my dad.

What is the female version of a cock lodger?

The shrine/Italian boyfriend comments, wanting her to not go out because it scares your DD all make you sound so far down a deep, deep hole of bitterness and resentment that I wonder whether the PP who questioned whether it was you on an earlier thread complaining about her DH buying her DSD furniture for her new flat might be onto something. Nobody can be seething with this much greed and jealousy, surely?

I think its unfair my DD should be uncomfortable in her home for the sake of DSDs pleasures rather than needs.

@AquaAnsie But this is the home you said DSD would inherit rather than you or your DDs? So your DD's are effectively guests in her home....If your DH passed away tomorrow, you'd all have to leave! I would suggest you move your DDs into your rental flat so both they and DSD can live in spaces they feel comfortable in.

The home situation sounds quite fraught. I'm surprised the step-daughter comes home at all.

Trying to imagine how I'd have felt as a teenager if my dad had moved FIVE people into my home, including a stepmother who really doesn't like me and seems annoyed by the fact her son gets on with me; plus three daughters who also dislike me. And then the expectation that I should stop using the house like a normal home to accommodate the needs of one of these interlopers stepsisters.

I am also starting to think this is a troll. No way can someone be this delusional and petty

Bloody Hell. Now you're saying her foreign boyfriend contributed to your daughter being scared around strangers and your step daughter coming home late scares your daughter.

You really need to teach your daughter's coping strategies. Why can't they wear ear defenders etc? The world shouldn't tiptoe around them, they need to learn to cope.

Maybe you should've gone to university, you may have learned some critical thinking as well as life strategies to pass on to your children. (and Spag)

If you're so upset at your step daughter treating her home as her home then maybe you and your daughters should move out?

I can only imagine you have a 24carat gold fanny, a platinum clit and diamonds for nipples as I can't see why your husband is tolerating your attitude.

A gold digger…

OP, you really need to take on board what people are saying here.

I think you are so wrapped up in your daughters' needs that you can't see the situation objectively.

This is your step-daughter's home, just as much as it is yours and your dds'. Much more so, in fact.

Her relationship with her father is just as important as yours and your dcs' is. They deserve to have quality time together in their family home

You do come across as incredibly jealous, and if you don't get it under control you risk creating irreparable damage to your relationship with your husband.

Like many others here I cannot believe that you suggested your dsd go to a hotel. I can only imagine how hurt your dh must have been. Can you not see that?

If you love him you should be doing everything possible to have the best possible relationship with his daughter. How can you not see that, especially when your husband does so much for your own children?

Without trying to dismiss her needs, it is wrong for you to expect dsd to walk on egg shells in her home. If your dd really can't cope, then she should be the one to go elsewhere.

I also think that you should be doing as much as possible to help your daughter, who neither studies nor works, to start to adjust to life as an independent, albeit supported, adult.

And I also think that you should think long and hard about whether you and your other children would have the luxury of only working part-time if your dh weren't there to support you financially. In light of this, how dare you begrudge him spending money on his daughter!

Wow you sound insanely jealous of your SD!

you can’t penalise her because she hung out with the popular girls at school, is a size 6 and is smashing her career goals

WTF!

There IS someone who repeatedly posts variations on the theme of a spoilt, motherless stepdaughter who can do no right whilst her own little darlings can do no wrong.

To put it bluntly.

How long are you expecting your adult middle children to live with you? Forever?

Whilst I agree it’s their home too, they need to be taught coping mechanisms to deal with people they don’t like or don’t want to be around. Its a life skill.

Your DSD is an adult and should be allowed to visit the home her dad live in. End of.

I’m sure DSD’s mother wanted her life insurance to benefit her own child.

You’re clearly jealous of this girl and of how successful she is compared to your own children. She sounds like she has your card marked, what a bunch of lazy freeloaders, jeez.