Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

But there is a difference between size and weight. A woman of size 14-16 might be perfectly fit and healthy. A woman who is size 10 might live very unhealthily and be overweight. So it's not necessarily delusion. I have known some 18-22 years olds who are grotesquely overweight, eat unhealthily, and are unable to lead a normal life. That is worrying - clearly part of their family lifestyle. But it really isnt OK. For them. So we dont know if OP's DD's are overweight, unhealthy, "large-boned", etc. That comment from OP is just another prickle against DSD.

Maybe DSD will use her (hard-earned) fortune to hire a good lawyer to take the rental property and boot the lot of them out

I voted YANBU to dread her coming home, but you can’t stop her so will have to have a discussion with your husband about how best to manage it so you can tackle the situation together

Poor DSD. Her mum passes away (but their mortgage got paid off and she had a gap year so that’s fine). She comes home and her DF has moved five freeloading grifters in, who don’t even think she should be able to come back for Christmas.

She also sounds very smart, hard-working, successfully and accomplished and you sound VERY jealous of this.

So your DSD lost her mum, and she had to face all of these strangers moved in her childhood home, and now her stepmother dreading her being there?

Sounds like a fairytale I know really well...

You really do sound tone-deaf. Absolutely expecting your dad to not go out late is well... utterly bonkers. That you do not realise this is nuts.

Have you always been a snowplough parent, trying to avoid any challenging situation for your dd so they never get to develop coping mechanisms?

Why not go to the hotel with your daughters? If you can't cope with your DH's child visiting for Christmas.

You sound jealous of her accomplishments.

Good on your DH for visiting her and spending holidays with her. You sound jealous of that too. Honestly, I don't understand how he is accepting this.

You work part time, you let him pay for your adult kids and you are sour because his DD comes home for Christmas.

Honestly, he needs to wake up.

@AquaAnsie

This post sounds incredibly petty and unfair. You married a man with a child, which means you chose to take on a blended family. After seven years together, it’s shocking that you still frame everything as “my children” versus “his daughter.” That mindset is what’s truly damaging your family dynamic—not her presence. Bringing up her income and education feels unnecessary and bitter. She’s worked hard to achieve those things—why does that bother you? Her success doesn’t diminish anyone else’s, yet you seem determined to see it as a flaw.

The bullying issue from school happened years ago, and those children are now adults. If you keep dragging it up and using it as a weapon, you’re teaching your daughter to hold onto resentment instead of growing past it.

I also wonder what your husband thinks about your adult children still living at home. How would he feel if he knew how you really feel about his daughter? It seems like you’re creating a divide between “your” children and “his".

Your stepdaughter is not a visitor—she’s part of this family, just like your daughters are. So maybe Instead of criticizing her for visiting her family home and living her life, ask yourself why you feel so threatened by her presence. Blended families are hard, but they require effort on both sides. Right now, it seems like the biggest division isn’t coming from her but from you.

This is DSDs family home. She should be able to bring a boyfriend home, go out late, listen to music (reasonably) etc. I totally get you feel protective of your DDs but I think this is also tough for DSD.

Absolutely. I suspect SD sees OP for exactly what she is.

Following the latest update, this girl lost her mother when she was no older than 4, a life altering trauma, and has still gone on to be hugely successful. No wonder her Dad and family are proud - she sounds like a remarkable young woman.

Is your DH paying your eldest daughter's rent just to get some peace at home / get one of you out?

Look out, you'll be next!

@AquaAnsie for someone who expects your DSD to fall in with accepting you and yiur family but have a staggering disregard for her

yes of course she keeps her bedroom it is hers - you moved in with her

I know that your DD need adjustments but yuh cannot expect her to adjust everything - your DD believing they were talking about her is her issue not your DSD

andbin terms of the bullying there are people’s versions of events and the factual truth - both accounts could very well be their truth and recollections without being the actual truth

So your SD lost her mother when she was a young child. Do you have any idea of the trauma that she must have experienced? That makes it even more impressive that she has achieved so much in her young life.

If your SD's name wasn't even mentioned WRT bullying when it was happening, then it seems highly unlikely she was involved. She was friends with some of the bullies? Guilt by association? That is unfair in the extreme. She may never have witnessed or been aware of any bullying.

Your DH is amazingly generous to support you and 3 of your 4 your children financially. But I do hope that all of your children are being encouraged to become fully independent in the near future.

I'm fine with that. 😀

I was trying to keep a balanced view and see both sides but the more you post, the more entitled you sound. Dsd shouldn’t go out at night because it makes your dd scared. Jesus wept. Regardless of the children’s disabilities, everyone especially your dsd, shouldn’t have to tip toe around. Start teaching your daughter better coping strategies.

Really hard. I wouldn't put up with unacceptable behaviour. It's all of yours' home and the same standards should apply to all. She sounds disrespectful of you and yout children.

To be honest l'm really intolerant of people breaching my boundaries so either dh steps up and supports you or l would consider taking the kids and staying somewhere else. But that's just me and l accept many people would see that as an extreme reaction. The fact she was in a group that bullied your children and yoir dh did nothing would have probably ended the marriage for me.

I think the SD has you, and your DD's cards marked and I don't think she should have apologised for saying

"You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life"

I have to agree with your DH, it's DSD's home, her only family home and as such should not have to feel awkward the few times a year she visits. You complain about DH taking her on snowboard holidays (I assume you don't like that he spends money on her) but he's supporting your 3 DDs. DD1 and 2 don't sound like they're going to be leaving home anytime soon, if ever - and fair enough - but they and you can't chase DSD out of her own house. The onus is on you to help your DDs adjust to life with other people as part of independent living unless you can afford to get them a rental for just the both of them?

I also understand why DSD wants her bf there - so she's not alone and ganged up on by FIVE of you. I don't think she looks down on you, but I do think you have a chip on your shoulder about her education, attractiveness and success because it's a reflection of the life your DH had with his late wife. I'm baffled that you married your DD's 'bully's' dad tbh, but you did and have to live with the consequences.

If it gets to a point DSD doesn't visit anymore or she starts taking distance, that will strain your relationship with DH. Marriage is not going to mean more to the man than his daughter. So for everyone's sake you should find a way to be welcoming to DD and her bf, play peacekeeper between all of them, and make an effort with DSD so she isn't on edge and neither are you. Even if the girls were blood siblings they wouldn't get on because they're polar opposites - you just have to accept that.

I agree. She’s seen you all for what you are.

Wow, you’ve done well out of him! If I were your husband I would be leaving everything to my own daughter in the will, especially if I knew you were planning on leaving the rental to your own children. I bet his wife is turning in her grave

Why would DSD going out ‘scare’ your DD??

Im sorry, but this is DSD’s home. You understandably have your own children’s interests at heart but the reality is they are adults and need to start acting as such. They live in a house with others and part of that is putting up with occasional noise and comings and goings.

Jesus… the more you post, the more absolutely awful you sound!

her ex boyfriend should not have spoken in his native language??? Wtaf.

she wants to go out and see her friends. You said she was quiet when she got home. What if someone in your house did shift work?

Wasn’t there another post really similar to this recently? Where the daughter was the only child of the father, and the OP couldn’t stand the step daughter because she was “spoilt” but also academic and had a really good job. The mother also died and left an inheritance to her. Not sure if this is the OP under another name or what.

My answer to these blended families that don’t get on is….what do you expect? I’d be totally put out if my dad remarried and moved a new family in with him, especially if it was really obvious the mother and daughters hated me. Equally it’s not fair on your poor daughters being made to deal with her school bully!