Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Autism isn’t a trump card that means everyone else has to accommodate your every need!

“allowances for … autism” 🤯
I feel for you @pinkyredrose and your lack of understanding
I’ll respect your world view and not engage with your needs any further, and let you focus on ‘wants’

You are awful. I never comment on posts, just a reader here, but I can’t help myself. Your poor DSD. So many things wrong here however I do find it laughable that you asked your DDs whether they wanted you to break-up with your partner, when they were presumably in their late teens. They would have wanted you to be happy and by asking them that you put them in an awful position. If you think, as you obviously do, that your DSD was a ‘bully’ to your child, you should have left and made your own decision to do so then.

Yes - this! What do the bunch of part timers even DO all day? This is what DSD will be wondering on the way over with her BF. She may also be telling him how they are too overweight to even go for a walk.

No wonder OP is dreading her coming home. She can see her lazy, opportunistic self reflected back in DSD's achievements.

She sounds like a pretty amazing young woman actually.

Agree sounds like 'she poops rainbows'......

I hope this isnt the same OP who a few weeks ago was complaining that her high achieving early 20s lawyer step daughter who lost her mother as a young child was being treated to new furniture by her DF for her new flat.

I think you’re being outrageous here OP. Thank goodness for your DH telling you in no circumstances is DSD not staying in the family home for a few days over Christmas. I actually can’t believe the audacity of you thinking it never mind suggesting it.
I suspect the DSD can feel the hostility dripping off you and your DDs the minute she walks in the house. No wonder she’s bringing boyfriend with her for some back up. DH pays for your 4 children 365 days a year and you’re complaining that he treats his independent daughter to a holiday. I suspect the snowboarding holiday is the only time they get to truly enjoy each others company away from the tension you create in their home.
the bullying thing needs to be let go. If it really bothered you then what on earth were you thinking continuing the relationship, knowing it made your DD uncomfortable? I wonder if you’d have stuck around if DH wasn’t wealthy and able to fund you and your 4 kids who clearly don’t have great aspirations to carve out a career for themselves. Why is the 20yr old at college not working part time? Why are you only working part time if your adult children are financially dependent on you?
poor DSD coming home at Christmas and being criticised for going out until 2am in the morning. She’s 24 yrs old, I mean how dare she have fun and destress during the holidays when she has such a good, hard working career! Buy your light sleeping daughter ear plugs. It’s for 3 nights not 3 months

Again, wow so many comments I will try to catch up.

We moved in together to DHs home in summer 2019, this was the end of DSDs gap year. within about 2 weeks of starting uni she had met a guy (5 years older than her), she ended up living with him during covid and continued between his and halls, just coming to visit. She still has her bedroom which after the master is by far the biggest, to this day it more or less sits like a shrine to her with sports trophys and piano certificates filling the room.

My childrens dad is not in there life and hasn't been for a decade, he ran off with a younger woman and has had 2 more kids since.

DHs ex-wife/DSD mum passed away in 2004 but yes her life insurance paid of the mortgage and her pension pay out was used to fund DSD hobbies and gap year.

The bullying is complicated, I had many meetings with the school about bullying and could probably roll of 10 names off the top of my head now of the key bullies. However DSD has admitted to being friends with several of them. Maybe she was just friends, maybe she was smart enough to never get caught, we will never know as the two accounts from my DDs vs DSD are different. I will always believe my children though.

DD1 gets her rent paid by us, she could claim UC but DH and I pay half her rent each (its 600pm so hardly expesnive). DD2 couldn't handle working, she will likely live with us for a while longer but the goal will be getting her ready for independent living. DD3 is at college and will likely move out when she gets a job. DS gets no support from us, he has a degree and funds himself.

DH takes DD snowboarding/skiing every year, just them and visits her in London every 6-8 weeks or so, so he sees her lots.

I'm honestly so fucking sick of autism/other disabilities being used as an excuse for the dogshit behaviour exhibited by your daughters and yourself.

Your adult daughter getting 'scared' when your SD gets home is literally not your SD's issue. At all. Why do your daughter's issues get to dictate the way everyone else lives. Honestly I'm flummoxed by this. Honestly OP your total lack of self awareness is insane. I'm struggling to believe this is even a legitimate post.

Honestly, pull your head out of your arse and encourage your daughters to do the same.

Considering the circumstances I think your step daughter has been remarkably restained in her response to you and your four daughters moving into her home and turning her into an unwanted guest. I feel so sorry for her.

You and your children REALLY don’t come across well here. I think your DSD has every right to feel the way she does.

What are you doing to help create independence and financial security for your children, outside of just using your husband’s funds?

I think you have every right to dread it.

However,I think since it's only a temporary visit, you need to let it all go over your heads and persuade your daughters to do the same. No need for it to turn sour for the sake of a Christmas visit. Organise some days out for you and your girls to minimise overlap and bite your lip.

The obvious exception is if she says something nasty, in which case you need to come down hard on that, because it's unacceptable. You should tell her so.

She is an adult in her home where she grew up. You can't tell her to not go out late. The music and headphones would be a way forward, I hate people imposing their music on me, so fine. I say suck it up for a few days and ask your DH to say next time, could she go to the bf's instead, but from what you've written, he won't and it's her childhood home that you and your 2 adult dc have been lumped into.

Op the more you reply the more you sound like you are jealous of your SD.
It is not her fault that your DC's are in the position they find themselves in.
Have you thought how she feels having you and your 4 DC's move into her family home. For you to suggest she stays in a hotel when she comes home is awful. Good on your DH for putting you straight on that one. With all due respect it was her home before yours.
It seems that everyone else likes her, the only ones that have an issue with her is you and your DD's. You even judge your DS for liking her.
I actually feel really sorry for her, she has made something of her life and shouldn't be judged for doing so.
You've even admitted that she "might" not have been the bully, but only after PP's questioned why you would put your DD's in the situation of having their bully in their lives if it affected them so much.

Is this a deliberate spoof? Are you going to drip feed your decision to make DSD sleep in the kitchen and accidentally on purpose lose her invite to the neighbourhood Christmas party? Does she have a godmother?

PS DH sounds like a saint, and must be rightly proud of his dd.

It sounds like you don’t like her and you’ve communicated this to your DC.

YABU - your DSD is your husband’s actual daughter. She gets less of his time and attention than your DC. It must sometimes be tough for her - always having to hide her light under a bushel in case she upsets your DC.

And you need to have a talk with your light-sleeping DD. It’s unacceptable that her step-father’s daughter coming home scares her. How would you feel if your presence scared someone in your house? Your DD needs to learn to cope.

I'd say your stepdaughter has your number, OP, and you dislike her for that. So you're trying to bully her out of bringing her BF to her home and spend time with her father.

Maybe you're the one who should go to a hotel with your daughters for a few days. I think you showed yourself to your husband with your ask that she go to a hotel. He's already seeing that he and his daughter are treading on eggshells and she's not welcome in her own family home. His eyes are opening. Keep it up.

She does sound a bit selfish and annoying (not uncommon at that age) but I don’t think she’s done anything seriously wrong.

i understand stand your DD is autistic and doesn’t like change etc but unfortunately that’s life, especially in a blended family.

Also, I don't think it is fair that we are saying DSD should be allowed to do xyz in her own home. Listening to music with headphones won't bring her any discomfort, without it will bring my DD discomfort, not going out late won't scare her, it will scare my DD. I think its unfair my DD should be uncomfortable in her home for the sake of DSDs pleasures rather than needs.

The boyfriend is a whole other issue, I doubt she will be on her best behaviour for him as she never did this for the last boyfriend. Her last boyfriend actually contributes to why my DDs struggle with strangers around, he and DSD would chat in italian or french half the time which made my DDs paranoid they were talking about her (boyfriend was italian and both DSD and the BF spoke french as a second language).He was also loud all the time, if he had been more considerate they would probably handle strangers better!

I mean it actually sounds like your ds and her would genuinely get on. Both went off got their educations and making something of themselves.

He probably tones down the real him so you don’t become as judgey about his success as you are your step daughters.

And yes her bedroom is a shrine to her in the house that technically she will own shocker.

Yes exactly. She should inherit the rental house after you've died, assuming you outlive your husband. Your children will inherit your money which is separate, plus whatever their dad leaves them.

I can only imagine your DH was a very lonely grieving widower who had taken leave of his senses when he met you, because you really seem to have done a number on him.

It’s DSD’s home too, it was her home first and she’s only home for a few days. Your daughter isn’t more important just because you think she is.

Why don’t you and your daughters fuck off to the hotel instead of DSD? Wouldn’t that solve all your problems??

Given you have the money from the sale of your house invested, have you considered buying a property your dd can “rent” off you? (Even more so if you can afford something big enough to have spare rooms for your other dds should the worse happen to you. Your dh doesn’t have good form in picking step mothers who’ll care for adult kids of his responsibility.)

You sound jealous that your daughters aren't like her. Accept who your daughters are and accept who your step daughter is and crack on. Maybe your dds need to grow up get a job and move out?

I'm sorry but you're sounding more unreasonable the more you post.

I feel bad for DSD.

You're just making yourself seem worse and worse with every update, OP!

Your daughter being 'scared' doesn't mean your step daughter should be unable to go on a night out!

Honestly the entitlement and self absorption is beyond all belief.

Your daughter isn't the centre of the flipping universe.

It was her home first and it will be her home last. You are guests in her house basically.

Why doesn’t your dd wear headphones or why don’t you go away from the house while the daughter is home.