Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Accommodating/understanding autism isn’t on par with accommodating/understanding being a bully/being in a friend group of bullies. It’s insulting to those of us who’ve been bullied for our autism.

Except the ‘bullying’ was only raised long after the OP shacked up with him.

Actually it speaks directly to ableism, don’t you think?

I'm glad someone pointed this out. You failed your dd first. You.

Why would a mother do this?

I would be horrified if my
mum came home and told me she was marrying my school bully’s dad and that we were going to be a family

He pays all of their rent and she will inherit one of his houses when he dies

It is actually very difficult for a teenage girl to stand up and challenge bullying by others in a school setting, which is why not many do.

In any event, all we know here is that the DSD was allegedly ‘friends’ with bullies.

What a ludicrous comparison.

Wow, is this actually for real? I tell you what, if I was the DSD coming home to a whole new family of adults living in my childhood home and being bankrolled by my father I don’t think I’d always be sweetness and light either.

You actually suggested she stay in a hotel?!

It is difficult, yes. It’s still not the same thing as understanding the difficulties/needs of a disabled person.

You’re right, in this specific case we don’t know the ultimate truth of what happened.

Nope. She did because she was frustrated and then immediately apologised.

Did that not fit your narrative? I presume you've never in your whole life said domething you regret and then apologised. I presume also that in your family veryone is perfectly pleasant all of the time and if they arent they are turfed out.
Have you even read all of OP's posts?

Agree .... even though all DC met 1 year into the relationship and they would all have still been at school together at that point. Did the OP not ask her DDs how they found the first meeting and/or did the DD not speak up.

In fact one could even argue that your DDs collectively bullied her at the dinner the following year?

Wow.

Her father puts up with your four children, who don't sound like the easiest people either. Blimey, it's only for a few days over Christmas. Have some compassion. The blended family can't have been easy on any of the kids.

No not really. Can you imagine losing your mother as a teenager and then when you're still only 17 having a new woman and her FOUR teenagers move in to your family home. Then when you work hard to make something of yourself your stepmother doesn't want you around and even wants you to stay in a hotel. At the same time she's making allowances for her step sisters autism but no-one seems to be thinking about what she's been through.

I feel for both sets of girls really. Your daughters clearly feel down trodden compared to their pretty and clever step-sister and she probably feels pissed off that when she comes back to HER FAMILY home for Christmas she’s got four step-siblings to contend with who are saying don’t go out and play music. That’s kind of what you do in your twenties. I can see why she’s fed up too. I bet she has to play down her job and lifestyle not to intimidate your daughters. That’s pretty shit when it’s her house, my parents were my biggest supporters at that age and she can’t come home and say ‘Hey Dad, I’ve got a 5k bonus and I’m up for promotion and I want to do XY and Z. Even if she didn’t bully them, they are clearly very different girls who are both the victims of broken homes. I bet both camps were very upset when their parents got married. She probably feels safety in numbers by bringing a boyfriend this year. At least it’s not your side (you OP and your 4 kids) against her this year.

Doesn’t sound like she is considering her step sisters disabilities.

Yep.

To be honest I feel sorry for your DH & your DSD in this story. You sound judgemental & hard work.

YABVU.

You sound really resentful and jealous of your DSD.

I can't believe you suggested she stays in a hotel while you live in her childhood home with your 2 adult children. Honestly, if I was her I would be pissed.

The OP hasn't outright said that his DD was a bully though, she's just done her best to imply it. She's said she moved in a circle of clever, popular girls, some of whom were mean to the girls they thought were beneath them.

This girl was Head Girl at school. It's frankly quite unlikely that she was a bully. Teachers tend to know who the 'mean girls' are and those types of people rarely have the qualities that are looked for in a Head Girl, which are empathy, kindness, maturity, a sense of personal responsibility, being a good role model and ambassador for the school.

I think the OP and her DDs are very happy to allow everyone to think this girl was a bully, simply by association with some girls that were.

This poor young child has lost her mother. That is trauma. Why is no one caring about that?

I think you are getting an unfair hard time OP. It's obvious that when you married your OH, there was no question of your DFs being bullied by DSD then, and I can only assume if they were, you would not have continued with the relationship.

However, I do think you are struggling with your DSD being one of those children for whom everything seems to lead to success. That's the part you need to work on. Just like your children, she is who she is. Would you be happier of she wasn't so pretty, hadn't done so well at school and Uni and only had a minimum wage job?

Your girls are adults and need to face the adult world, which is that others accommodating them can only go so far.

Instead of judging your son, take note of his laid-back attitude and make the most of the fact you get to spend Xmas with all your children, the men you love, an extended family member and potentially someone who might be there to stick for a long time. It's an extremely fortunate position to be in. Your husband seems a very generous mind, you can be so by learning to appreciate his daughter too.

Doesn't sound like they're considering her.