Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

OP- It really bothered me when you breezily said that yes, your DH is supporting you and your children financially but no more than he supports his daughter because he's taken her on the occasional holiday.
This comment revealed a lot about how you think. Firstly, it displayed that you think your children are entitled to as much as his daughter. I think this is fundamentally wrong. All your children are adults. Why is this poor man supporting your several adult children as well as you?
Secondly, I sensed you resent the fact he's paid for his daughter's holidays. You're all living in his house for free whilst he supports everyone and then you resent his only child visiting for a few days.
You married the father of a woman you implied was your daughters bully and I sense that you want to push her out so you and your children can have him (and his money!) all to yourselves.

I’m really hoping someone recognises the pooping rainbow unicorn and sends to her. Feel that she needs to know her stepmother thinks she is not quite as bad as Lucy Letby!

come on daily mail, do your worst!!

Did you miss the parts about the bullying and bitchy comments towards her stepsisters? Or did you just conveniently ignore them because they don't fit your narrative?

Couldn’t agree more. So, you have to put up with her for a weekend and you can’t make it work? Your adult children live with you all the time.

Your DH mostly likely wants to spend some time with his daughter and all you have talked about is your children, how it will affect them, why it won’t work for them and how bad she is.

That poor girl knowing she is walking into that and still wants to She is probably bringing her boyfriend for support. Your children aren’t perfect and I’m sure it’s not easy for your DSD.

You are absolutely being unreasonable. Your allowance, understanding and compromise for your adult children (who still live with you!!!!) is enormous compared to your feelings for your DSD. Get some perspective.

It's actually pretty amazing that she did as well as she did, given she must have had a really challenging home environment when her dad shacked up with the OP. I can't imagine coping with all that - as the OP herself said, having to 'tread on eggshells' so as to not upset the OP's daughters - AND doing well in A-levels/GCSEs.

I'm still interested in where her mum is in all this. The OP hasn't answered that.

You've been given quite a hard time on this thread OP. It is true that the only thing your DSD has clearly done that is mean is her comment about your daughter's weight. Ultimately it is her home and it must be difficult for her having your children there, when their needs impinge on her comfort in her family home. All that having been said, I can imagine my heart would ache to see my children compare themselves unfavourably to someone who has all the gifts and attributes your DSD enjoys. It is completely understandable that you dread her coming, even if you know you must do your best to make it a homely environment for all the (adult) children, your DSD included.

I said I don’t know if she was, which is true.

It isn’t clear that OP believes she was a bully either, or even that the person who accused her of being one in the first place actually does, given how quickly she went from saying ‘you were a bully’ to ‘you were friends with bullies’ when the DSD straight up denied it. OP at the time knew her as the head girl, not as one of the people that bullied her daughter.

Nothing OP has said suggests the stepdaughter was involved in the bullying, present for it, or even aware it was happening. What OP has said is that her daughter decided to pick an unprompted fight over dinner, so I don’t doubt that she’s also capable and willing to make shitty comments of her own towards the DSD.

You can’t be snide towards someone then whine about feeling bad because they’ve responded in kind.

Right, so she's not actually a bully at all then. Just pretty, popular, friendly and successful.

It's very lucky for you and your adult children that you happened to marry this very rich man.

Where is DSDs mother in all of this? (I am wondering if she has died as you mention life insurance and mortgage paid off?)

When did the 5 of you move into DSD family home?

You have a very comfortable set up here for you and your DCs - so it's hard to understand why you resent your DSD so much that you would rather she stayed in a hotel than in her childhood home over Christmas. It sounds like you really do want to push her out. Most of her behaviour sounds fairly normal for her age..

You mention a couple of comments this girl has said in the heat of the argument. I take it that you and your girls were the paragons of virtue in these situations.

From what you have said… this poor girl has had her home taken over by a family that dont even thinly veil their jealousy, and she still comes home to see her dad and beyond playing music and going out, she seems saintly. I think your husband is right to be proud. Sounds like shes avoided the Cinderella effect. Well done her!

You sound jealous.

She is very smart and talented from what you say she does for a living.

She also has to deal with her Dad shacking up with you and your kids.
That's no easy and she's doesn't have to like anybody.

I don't think this has gone how you expected OP.

To be honest, if your DSD was really the key/main bully of your DDs then frankly it would have come out much earlier. I think they resent the she was in a bit of a mean popular girl group at school and that she has gone on to be happy and successful. They are kind of extrapolating because they feel jealous, and so do you.

It sounds as if your DSD could be kinder and more tolerant and encouraging, but it sounds as if you all could too. I mean, she comes home for a weekend to her Dad with her bf, you all go on a walk and one of your Dds ruins her time with her dad by moaning about it. I mean, she is an adult, she didn't have to come on this walk at all! Why did she have to ruin other people's time?! Sounds as if she apologised for snapping back immediately. Your DD can be hurt, but I think you are all clinging to reasons not to like her.

Your DSD is very lucky in many ways, but it sounds as if she has also done a lot with that luck (that she is now resented for) and she is also a guest in her own childhood home and can't even go for a nice walk with her dad without her new step siblings spoiling it.

There's absolutely no way that it costs your DH as much to pay for a couple of holidays as it does to support each of your DDs, when you consider what it would cost each of them to pay their own rent. I can see you down the line saying "she's a partner in a law firm, whereas my kids will get nothing, she should have the house" and I am sure that she knows it!

It wouldn't look GREAT for the OP if she was trying to kick her stepdaughter out of the home that was mortgage-free on account of her mother's death.

That might not be the case at all, of course.

Wow. just wow

To be honest you sound very jealous of your sd, she’s done incredibly well for herself, smart, pretty and earning lots, you sound very bitter. This is her family home. And it sounds like she’s doing normal things for her age, she is allowed to go out and see friends and it’s very normal for a daughter to want to bring her bf home with her….you sound like to nit pick at everything she says. Re the walk id probably be fed up with someone moaning the whole time. I would say you need to stop been bitter, I’m glad your DH has said absolutely not when you suggested she stays else where. I think you need to do some serious reflecting.

And, just as your kids need accommodation and understanding for some of their needs and behaviours, maybe you can all find it in yourselves to also understand that your DSD might also need some understanding and forgiveness of things that, by the sounds of things, she watched other people do, when she was a teenager.

@recipientofraspberries "If DSD never went to uni and was on benefits I’m not sure she’d be getting the moral support she’s getting on here." If this were the case, I don't think she'd be getting any grief from OP.

I'm intrigued by what kind of bloke would marry and essentially hand over his money and live with a woman who comes complete with 2 adult children who all need supporting seemingly forever by him and another whose rent he needs to pay.

Imagine Being a teenage girl and finding out your Mother is marrying the Dad of one of the girls that bullied you at school.

That’s so wrong. Your dsd should inherit it. Presumably your kids have their own father to inherit from

I appreciate your measured response. Unfortunately good luck finding for funding alternative accommodation for those with disabilities. It’s almost impossible to find now. I personally and professionally believe those who are cognitively able to adapt their pleasures to meet others needs.
Luckily DSD is extremely successful and has her own accommodation in which she can meet all the pleasures she wishes.

Exactly. Bloody shameful.

What planet are you on? Suggesting a hotel for your DSD when it’s her family home, her childhood home, her home period. Christ on a bike, your DH must put up with a lot from you. Get over it and encourage your DC to get over it to. It’s 3-4-days. No one will die.

I'm not the DSD but pounds to pennies this is what she's thinking.
"Dad why on earth have you taken on this bunch of losers?"