Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I do wonder, can you personally just imagine the scenario @AquaAnsie

Irrespective of all the personalities involved,

Your husband's daughter was 17 years old, living in her childhood home, when yourself, your 19 year old son, and your 3 daughters 18,16 and 13 year's old descended.

It is not really surprising is it, that there may be resentment from her.

I would be amazed, quite frankly, if your husband didn't bend over backwards under that circumstance, to ensure that his daughter still felt at home, in her home.

You and your children are the interlopers here, can you not see that?

I think you would all, (you and your children) profit immensely, if you could look at the situation from the daughter's perspective.

I mean this kindly I really do, you have a duty to teach your dds and ds to manage these situations. You can’t micromanage things for them. At home is where we learn the skills to manage outside the home. You all need to suck it up. It can’t be easy for her to get her head round a whole new family in her family home.

It's not exactly the same, is it? Presumably the SDD gets some benefit (i.e. derives some enjoyment) from playing her music, which, unless she was a complete sadist, she wouldn't get from stealing their wheelchair or locking them out of their bathroom or whatever!

The music might distress them but it doesn't incapacitate them.

Anyone, whether autistic or not, surely understands that you can't always exert complete control over your environment, even more so when you are living rent and bills free in someone else's home. If/when the DDs move out they will still have to deal with noisy neighbours, etc. If they have their own DC, they will have to cope when they are crying or shouting. Presumably they had to learn to deal with a high level of noise when they went to school, given they were apparently in the same mainstream school as the SDD.

Exactly the same as your physical disability analogy - millions of people are living in properties that aren't perfectly suitable for their needs, because a diagnosis doesn't magically override everything else and mean that money and space issues disappear and other people's rights and opinions are superseded.

I hope DSD turns out to be a shit hot divorce lawyer and helps her father see the light.

Wow. Just wow OP.

The OP didn't even know about it until 2+ yrs into the relationship, DSDs name had never been one mentioned as one of the bullies when it was happening, both admit DSD was part of a wider friendship group but there doesn't seem to be any particular act or incident she was involved according to her DDs account. The OP asked her child did she want her to end the relationship after the argument in the restaurant, she said no.

Interesting that you don't believe she was a bully. Why not, out of curiosity?

I mean do you really think op or her children want to give up this new mostly funded lifestyle? I doubt it.

I'm sorry but you really do sound jealous and like a wicked stepmother. Does the poor girl ever get any alone time with her father? Or are you too busy making sure you make her feel as unwelcome as possible? I understand your children have additional needs but it seems like you won't be happy until you dull poor DSD's shine so your girls feel comfortable. Every single word you wrote felt so nasty it made me feel so uncomfortable. Imagine coming home to a woman and her kids who have invaded your lives, got your father paying for everything and then on top have the nerve to think you have no right to go to your own home! If you are so uncomfortable with her then perhaps you should find alternative accomodation.

She's not blocking access to noise cancelling headphones though. Keep your metaphors straight.

I’ll answer this.

I don’t think it’s acceptable for anyone in a shared space to play loud music unless at a party, and even then there’s a limit. So that’s my starting point.

If DH raised his DD in a home where this was okay, his choice.

If DSD is playing loud music when others are present and don’t like it, that’s inconsiderate. She has to suck up not getting what she wants - not because of the DDs’ autism, but because that’s what anyone should do around anyone else.

But consideration cuts both ways. The DDs are also sharing space with others. They also have to accept a degree of discomfort. It comes with communal living, as it does for DSD. Being noise sensitive means you turn the volume down to 5 instead of 7. It doesn’t mean turning it down to zero.

If the DDs are unable to accept ANY degree of discomfort, they’re not able to live in shared spaces. Period. The onus is on them to not live in someone else’s home but rather find somewhere suitable for their needs. This is for them and them only.

Blocking access to eg an adapted bathroom is a completely different issue. It’s access, to a bathroom. This is about ablutions, dignity, hygiene, inconvenience, basic human right to clean water for bathing and a degree of privacy. It’s much more than a question of periodic discomfort. It’s all or nothing. A better parallel would be a wheelchair user normally having exclusive access to her bathroom versus now having to share it meaning she’ll have to change her daily routine/ hold it/ share eye-level shelf space, hang towels elsewhere etc.

Theres no difference between physical and mental disability from this perspective. A disability of any sort simply doesn’t automatically and fully trump everybody else’s needs and wants and desires. Everyone has to compromise, the able bodied (physically or mentally) more than those who are less able. It’s just common decency.

I will be in the minority here but after reading through i actually feel sorry for your DSD. Her dad married someone with 4 children that moved in her childhood house and she obviously can't relate to any of you apart from your son. I don't think she enjoys these meetings with you anymore than you do and thus she plays music and goes out until 3 am to just avoid you and not deal with you or your daughters.

Thinking about my DB in his 20s noone could stop him from playing music or staying out late so I would say there is very little you can do about it.

You will need to somehow tolerate each other regardless of who is wrong or right ... most likely the truth is somewhere in the middle between what you think and what your DSD thinks.

Expecting an adult to not have a typical social life during Xmas catching up with friends is not on.

Your jealousy is dripping in the posts. So in your world she doesn't get to have a social life because of being mean as a teenager 🤦‍♀️.

She made a few comments that weren't great but not exactly off the wall. Has your daughter ear defenders.

This is dsd home and she is only visiting.

i can only say OP it sounds as if you’ve really fallen on your feet finding a man who will give so much support to your grown up children. In view of their ages it would be far better if they found supported living rather than having everything paid for so easily, it will do them no good in the long run.
I think you’re jealous of your stepdaughter and on a slippery slope, she is beautiful, intelligent and a high earner and her family have every right to be proud of her. She must feel some confusion about why her dad has elected to take so much on financially which is after all using up her rightful inheritance, while you keep your savings. She deserves to spend a wonderful time with her father. If it inconveniences members of your family slightly well so be it, the consequences sound minor and can be absorbed for a few days.
i would tread carefully if i were you, your OH has given an awful lot to you and your family, but I doubt if he will stand by and see his daughter upset on such a short visit.

The stepdaughter is an adult and is reaping what she has sown in terms of how OP feels about her. Jmo.

Yes you are being extremely unreasonable, she's only there for a few days. You have two autistic children that your husband lives with all the time, I'm sure that has a lot of challenges for your husband but does he talk about them with such disdain? I'm sure you can put up with his child for four days.

Life doesn't "deal out" Oxbridge degrees and well-paid training contracts in law. Advantages might give you increased opportunities, but high grades at A level, good degrees and good jobs all take hard work, ambition and stamina too.

@sixtyten What has she sown?

I agree. I feel so uncomfortable with this post.

think it was the ‘poops rainbows’ comment. Such a nasty, bullying comment. And taking husbands money but sending his daughter to a hotel. It’s icky this post.

The only bully I can see is OP. And I doubt she’s coming back to this post.

The first thing I'll say is that all the "kids" are adults. They don't need to be mates; they just need to be civil to each other. And it sounds like - with a couple of exceptions - they are.

Obviously there's some history with your DSD being at least on the periphery of some bullying towards your kids. But that was surely the best part of a decade ago - a long time when you're in your twenties.
Yes, your two middle children being autistic complicates matters and means that things like noise and social norms can be very challenging.

However I think you need to accept that DSD should feel welcome in her dad's home - especially as she grew up there - so long as she's civil and respectful.

Equally your children - just because they've not yet moved out - shouldn't be held to lesser standards. They need to be civil and respectful too - and sitting in a room all day doesn't really fall into that category regardless of being autistic (my DP is autistic so some experience of autistic adults).

It sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with your kids and your husband have similar with his daughter to explain that everyone has a right to call that house a home. Just because your DSD has moved out but your kids haven't doesn't give either 'side' different rights IMO. It's the parental home and you and your DH set the boundaries of what you expect from those living or staying there.

They all need to move on from what happened at school - seek therapy if necessary - as we all change as we grow up.

Your DSD doesn't sound like the easiest person in the world but she sounds easier than your younger three kids. At least she seems to be doing well for herself and isn't reliant on your and your DH - she chooses to visit. Welcome that. She doesn't have to.

I think some self reflection and effort across the board is needed - including from yourself.

I mean the ops own dh used the words on eggshells about his daughter having to act when in her dad’s home. So it must be pretty bad for everyone in that house tip toeing about ops daughter.

It really sounds like DH is making a massive sacrifice with your adult children living at home and the very least you can do is accommodate his daughter for a couple of weeks! Yes your DC will be disrupted but so is your DSD - what used to be presumably straight forward family interactions are now centred around the additional needs of sings that arrived later in life and must make her feel uneasy in her own home.

I understand it's uncomfortable for you hit life can't always be easy, especially if your spouse has been gracious enough to take on two adults with additional needs at home? That's a humongous sacrifice on his part.

Plus even a couple of expensive holidays wouldn't touch the sides of supporting three (four including the OP) adults who don't work/only work part-time and clearly not high paid work, including paying the rent for one of those. He's paying far, far more for the OP and her adult children than he is for his own child.

Honestly op. Your post reads to me that you and your daughters are perhaps a little jealous of her . She does sound to have loads going for her , popular . Bright and gorgeous and I totally get that particularly if your daughters are finding things harder but she is your partners daughter and it's definitely not easy living with someone's adult children so you absolutely can put up with his daughter for a few days as can your daughters for him.

There definitely seems to be an element of jealousy here emanating from you and your DDs. It’s not your DSD’s fault that she’s been successful in education and work (which she’ll have worked hard for) while your DDs haven’t.

It is your DSD’s home as much as your DDs’ and she is entitled to visit and spend time with her father. Going out at night is a perfectly normal activity and she shouldn’t be prevented from doing so.

The DSD’s involvement in the bullying issue seems very tenuous at best. Clearly she shouldn’t be making unkind comments but I imagine she feels extremely pushed out of her own home- I can’t believe you suggested a hotel.

Ultimately she should be perfectly welcome to visit her dad and it should be you and your DC making alternative arrangements if that is so problematic.

Yeah - this tbh.
She was in a group In which the bully was.
I have absolutely no idea why you think it's ok to begrudge his child coming to her home when he is paying for you and your children to live there whilst contributing absolutely nothing.