Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I feel sorry for the DSD to be honest, wouldn’t it be interesting to hear the other side of this from her!

Why does he pay your child's rent?

Does he pay his actual child's rent?

At 25-26, SD and her boyfriend are old enough to be married, have children. They have a right to be treated as a couple and to return to SD’s family home to meet her father for Christmas. We’re not talking about a teenage couple here.

I understand that her presence can be upsetting for your daughters. However, for a few days a year they need to put up with it. Families support each other even when it’s not convenient. Sounds like her father supports you a lot, all year round. This is your opportunity to support him and make his daughter feel welcome when she visits.

In his shoes I’d feel upset at the idea of having my daughter stay in a hotel. I’d also agree that a woman her age should have the right to come and go as she pleases - in mid 20s a curfew doesn’t make sense - and not have to walk on eggshells in her home.

Good question. If they can't afford it they should be claiming housing benefit.

Poor DSD. She is a capable hard working young woman in a stressful job and you seem to have a strong dislike of her. Why is it ok for your DDs to find her annoying and not the other way around?

As a previous poster said - this definitely has Cinderella vibes but from the POV of the stepmother.

I am team SD/Cinderella.

" I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday)."

Oh come on. He literally pays for the roof over their head and their bills. That is completely different to paying for his DD to go on holiday. One is essential and one is a luxury she could live without. If he didn't pay for your DC they wouldn't be able to fund themselves. If he didn't pay for his DC it sounds like she could afford to pay for herself, or, worst comes to the worst she'd miss out on one holiday. There is no comparison.

From your updates there's no actual proof your SDD actually did any bullying at all, and even if she did that was, what, nearly a decade ago? She might not be a lovely person but literally nothing you've described that she does when she comes home to visit (seeing her friends, playing music, coming home late but not disturbing anyone) is unreasonable at all for someone visiting her parent in the home she grew up in!

As others have said, while your DC live with you, you and your DH own the house. You have 2 of your DC with you 100% of the time, and another two visiting very regularly. He has 1 child visiting occasionally, of course he doesn't want her to be made to feel unwelcome. If she was actively and repeatedly bullying your DDs then of course you should say something but "playing music" isn't that!

It’s up to her dad if he wants his adult daughter wanting a curfew or sound limit in the house that’s his and will be hers

He doesn’t so op has two options suck it up or move to the rental.

Maybe your dd’s need to think about moving out, there’s supported living etc if they would struggle to live independently, that way they would be able to control who came into their house and not be upset be dsd?

HRTFT but my first reactions were that you moved in with the father of your DD's bully? WTF were you thinking? Also, you sound jealous of DSD

Grow up. You sound about as mature as OP's DSD.

OP, YANBU as far as I am concerned. Your DSD is a grown woman who has bullied and is still purposely being awful to your DDs. I knew how this thread was going to go down as soon as I read the title (particularly as it was placed in AIBU) but not everyone on MN thinks stepparents and their children shouldn't exist or that stepchildren are all damaged flowers who can do no wrong. Your DH should be addressing the inconsiderate behaviour. To be frank I think your DSD sounds like a right cow.

Your niece isn't OP's stepdaughter. This is absolutely ridiculous projection.

I’m deducing from your answer that you do indeed view visible/physical disabilities as different from invisible disabilities. Presumably you wouldn’t tell a wheelchair user that they need to move to a rental if their step sister blocked access to their wheelchair?

Your DDs struggle when she’s around, but I’m sure she struggles when they’re around too, albeit in different ways. I have a sibling with autism, and it’s bloody hard to be around him a lot of the time. And they’re not even her real sisters so she doesn’t have that underlying love for them that she might if they were related.

@Orphlids I was just trying to compose a post expressing something similar, but you expressed it better than I could. I also have a sibling with autism. Much as I adore them and have huge amounts of empathy for their challenges, it isn't always easy to be around them. Some people may think that's a terrible thing to say, but it is accurate. And the OP's DSD doesn't even have that close bond with her step-sisters. I can imagine she finds it stressful being around her step family in her own way.

If the autistic DDs can't cope with a bit of music, how about they wear the headphones? Why should his DD have to make all the compromises here?

Her mother has died by the sounds of things, her home has been taken over by what must feel like a whole gang of sullen ingrates with 'needs' that absolutely must trump hers, who resent the fact that she's prettier, more successful and more popular than they are. And their mother clearly expects her to dim her own light so that they can all feel a bit less shit about themselves. Well fuck that.

I am confused why isn’t the 4 kids Dad paying their rent and funding them and housing them if they are so uncomfortable in another family’s home

Where is SD mum?

This is outrageous. You should be ashamed of this comment.

You’re also now going to get the whole thread deleted/derailed.

I’d expect the mother of the child with any disabilities not to put them in a position of living in a house that’s not suitable either in general or because of its occupants.

The op and her adult children all choose to live in this man’s house, because they want to and because it’s easier for them and let’s face it free.

If they don’t like the owners rules of the house they are free to leave. They are not being held hostage.

The ops daughter who cannot deal with loud noise could always wear noise cancelling headphones, rather than insisting someone else wear headphones for their music which happens so rarely. Use white noise in her bedroom if she is a light sleeper. There are multiple ways to help it’s entirely different to stopping someone use a wheelchair. The step daughter isn’t stopping ops daughter from doing anything. She’s a grown ass adult too who can mitigate and help her self she’s not a defenceless infant.

Maybe not relevant, but just wait and see how life will sort the snobbish person with a superiority complex. The higher they climb, the harder the fall. Speaking from personal experience, unfortunately. If you let your dc do what they want to do on Christmas day, that would be great - if they don't want to interact with her and her boyf, fine, if they want to sit in their rooms and read, etc. - fine. Just don't force them into socialising.

The adults in the home can make some adaptation and wear noise cancelling headphones, white noise music and really should have built some coping strategies as a adults on the spectrum with the full time support of still living in a home with their parent who still seems to oversee their care.

And even your example of physical adaptation requirements can still at times have work around.

It's incredibly unhealthy and toxic for family units to only function around the needs of one child all of the time and in this situation adults.

And I say that as a parent with a child on the spectrum she doesn't live in a bubble she lives in a home with other people who for the most part accommodate her needs sometimes it doesn't happen because life happens and no one else living here will be demonised for it.

What a disgusting comment

This, what were you thinking OP?

I expect part of your DDs' upset is that you invited the 'enemy' into their family.

You need to take responsibility for your part in this - I mean, it's too late to do anything about it now, but it's really shocking that you seem to be blaming everyone around you when you need to be looking in the mirror.

If said wheelchair user is living in the home of the stepsister’s parent, who has no issue with his daughter doing what she’s doing and isn’t going to ask her to change her behavior or not visit, then they would be best advised to move elsewhere.