Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

So… if we’re autistic and it disables us, would it please you more if we didn’t speak about it and retreated to the shadows? Or shall we check with you first whether we’re allowed to “play our autism card” before bringing it up? Also does this apply to other disabilities too?

Can you imagine being an adult oxbridge graduate with excellent career prospects and probably earning more than most of us already, but having to tolerate your Dad falling in love with and marrying someone with offspring with disabilities. Do you think the DD should be checking his bank statements?

Really?

Well the OP is going one step further, she's not only hanging out with the "bully" but she has moved her dd in with the bully 😂She getting well paid for it though so that must justify it.

I reckon this thread will go poooooooooffffff as it's clearly designed to wind people up

Your dd doesn't like her. Speaking like that at the meal was very confrontational and rude Saying that she hung around with girls who were mean to her and this makes her also a bully is debatable. You don't know how much of that is true. You have decided that you also don't like her. She may be unkind who knows but you picked him. You decided to blend your families so you cannot now treat her as an inconvenience. Your dd who dislikes noise can wear ear plugs or she can sick it up for a few days.

OP you should be having a very stern word with your kids and remind them that if the piss your poor husband off too much the money tree may magically go poof and you’ll be back to square one!!!

Be honest, was the home paid for by DSD's dead mother's life insurance?

Your DD doesn't sound innocent or afraid of DSD. She sounds sneaky. Don't you think it's strange that her name wasn't mentioned in relation to the bullying until you were all moving in together? The way she dropped it at dinner sounds extremely sly.

Actually gobsmacked your DH is financially supporting your 3 adult children while you try to force his DD to stay in a hotel over Christmas

So you've got four adult children, 2 of whom are autistic. All but one lives at home and 3 only work part time or not at all? Your DH helps with the rent of your other adult child and you and your kids will inherit his second home. Yet you are complaining about a few days Christmas visit from your DH's only child to the home she grew up in. Blimey woman. I suggest you get a grip.

I think you're being very unfair on your DH. He pays all the bills, and half of your daughter's rent? He does fund your children. He might give his daughter holidays but she's his daughter. I can't believe you suggested your DSD should go to a hotel. And suggested she shouldn't go out at night because of your kids. It's her home! That is pretty outrageous. I think you're jealous too. Jealous that life comes easy to her and not your kids. That's understandable but not her fault.

Op's the quintessential evil step mother.

Where is your DSD supposed to stay when she wants to visit her father?

I admit to generally having a bit of an anti-stepchild bias, but in this case I’m afraid I think YABVU. You expect your DSD, who’s in her early twenties, not to play music, or to go out socialising when she returns to her family home over the Christmas period? God, I hope she has a bloody good time! Your DDs struggle when she’s around, but I’m sure she struggles when they’re around too, albeit in different ways. I have a sibling with autism, and it’s bloody hard to be around him a lot of the time. And they’re not even her real sisters so she doesn’t have that underlying love for them that she might if they were related. Her comment to your DD about her DF funding her lifestyle is a tiny snippet of her feelings towards your family, I expect. She’s probably fighting a constant battle to bite her tongue, and occasionally something slips out.

Personally, I'd protect my own children, regardless of how old they are. And on that basis, I wouldn't have got involved with this man in the first place, given the history. But you did, so I guess your DDs will just have to just suck it up now.

I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday).

He's her dad it’s generous and lovely of him to be able to do this. He covers the bills each month for you and your children still at home and he helps cover one of your adult children’s rent. I think it sounds like he does quite a bit for your adult children.

Hopefully not although I am worried about the DSD rushing back from a night out and losing a shoe

We're all team stepdaughter here OP.

Are you going to change your approach and be nice to this wonderful young woman? Tell you dd to be polite and kind?

In any case, I suppose don't expect a wedding invitation for yourself and the brood apart from maybe ds, when the time comes.

Women like you are so toxic.

Me too. It's just a few days. It's not like she's there all year like your other kids. She's probably uncomfortable being there in what is now YOUR home. You need to be a bit more welcoming to her and to stop blaming her for every interaction that isn't to your liking. She maybe brighter and more successful, but she's still a human being with feelings.

Size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything? Such delusion is not in your child's interest.

You sound jealous of DSD, to be honest.
Your marital home has at least two high-needs adult children living there, and another close by. It sounds as if your DH is supportive and helpful of your children, including a significant presence that inhibits domestic life a married couple with adult children might normally expect.
He's not complaining non-stop about your DC, but you are whinging about his, and she's hardly ever there.

Did you write that before you engaged your brain? The stepdaughters career is of no consequence here.

@AquaAnsie Where is dsd's mother? Divorced?

I think you are being the unreasonable one is this scenario. You cannot expect a man to exclude his daughter. This issues lies that this is a blended family.

Most excellently put.

Oh OP........ So DSDs mum passed away presumably if the the mortgage was paid off with life insurance etc and it's going to her when DH dies? So just as she's getting ready to set off on her life as an adult you and your brood land into her family home and make it clear you d rather she doesn't visit. Your DH provides the home and pays the bills for your adult child and pay towards another's rent but you seem to think this is only right as he spends money on his actual child. Your DD doesn't seem to have ever provided an account of an any bullying, as he 'she said/did this', just that she was friends with those that actually bullied. I mean we d all love to be the teen brave enough to call our mates out on that behaviour but in truth few of us are that brave, I wouldn't take it as her being an awful person, particularly now she's an adult.
Tbh it sounds like you just like your routine of your family in what you see as your family home now and you resent her presence. Yes, your NT child finds it difficult but you can't ban every family member or their partner from the home forever to placate them, and DSD has every right to be there, you need to get your head around that

Just wondering, could those who think it’s OK to play loud music, when visiting the place you grew up but is now the home of those who are noise sensitive, could you answer this question please?
If the disability was not ASD but mobility, eg needing a w-chair/lift/adapted bathroom. Would it also be ok for the DSD to block use of these physical aids?
If you see a difference between a need for physical aids vs a quiet environment, why? What is the difference?

Indeed and that's not the only thing Op is deluded about.