Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Your poor, poor stepdaughter

It's her family home and it's only 3 to 4 days. Your kids should go elsewhere it they hate her company that much.

Sounds like you're completely over egging how bad she is!!

You've all moved into her childhood home and don't want her to come back, or not welcome her home. Terrible.

You sound jealous of her as she is out achieving your daughters. I actually can’t believe how out of order you are considering you moved into her home.

So where is SD's mother in all this? It sounds like she's probably dead - is that the case OP? If so, when did this happen?

It must be hard for her, too. Coming back to a home with very needy step siblings and a step mum who doesn't like her.

Also - to state the facts. Her name was never mentioned at the time of the bullying by either school or daughter. It sounds as though other names were mentioned. And for two years nothing was mentioned about bullying.

OP is clearly in for the money and is trying to get support in biting the hand that feeds them. It’s gross

Whether you are doing it deliberately or not, you are coming across as very resentful that your DSD wants to come home (and it is her home) for Xmas. Please just stop. You should be doing all you can to make Xmas a happy family time. All the off spring from both sides need to be encouraged to be kind to each other - it's only a few days for goodness sake. When you marry a man with children, they will always be part of your extended family.

So your DSD's crimes seem to be that she made a few unkind comments to your DDs, was friends with everyone at school, did well at school, attended an excellent university, is on her way to a successful career, plays her music loudly, and goes out with her friends.

O.K. I don't know anyone whose siblings or step-siblings have never said anything unkind. And you said your DSD apologised. But your DDs accused her of bullying, which is also extremely unkind when it is evidently untrue.

Everything else that you object to is either related to your DSD's achievements or to minor thoughtlessness (playing music loudly) that could easily be dealt with.

I feel sorry for your DSD. She is probably dreading returning to her childhood home, knowing that she is unwelcome. And I can understand that she might resent your presence and that of your children in these circumstances, especially knowing that her dad is financially supporting all of you while she works hard at a demanding job.

Seriously, have a word with yourself.

Your daughters are also making some quite bitchy comments and seem to be pushing quite hard for your stepdaughter to be made unwelcome in her family home. Being autistic doesn’t make that okay. I think you and your girls are quite jealous of your stepdaughter as she seems to have done well, but who knows how she feels inside when her stepmother is going all out to make ‘her girls’ the only ones that matter! In my opinion, your girls shouldn’t get to call all of the shots. It isn’t unreasonable for a young adult to go out drinking and come back quietly. It is lovely that she wants to bring her boyfriend home to meet her family. I also wonder how your son feels about his sisters. It is quite telling that he takes the side of your stepdaughter.

OP - your husband has been incredibly generous to your children. Yes DSD has been mean, but she's apologised and I don't get the feeling that these are a couple of examples out of dozens of nasty comments but rather a few instances. The bullying at school is too wishy washy for anyone to be clear about DSD level of involvement, but I expect if she was actively involved your DD would have given lots of specific examples when it came up. I am a bit stunned you didn't get to the bottom of this before getting married though.

Under no circumstances can you ban your DSD from the home she grew up in. Time for you to welcome her and accept that she probably feels overwhelmed by your children and resents that so much of her fathers money and energy is going on his step children. That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but I can see how she'd feel pushed out and not a priority. Of course you're allowed to be worried about how it all goes, but maybe put your effort into making it work, rather than just trying to push your clearly very accomplished DSD out the door.

Has she had to share or give up her bedroom @AquaAnsie

Where's your kids dad, could they go there. I don't think you have any right to moan about her coming back to her family home for four days when your dh lives with and financially supports all your children really. Im gobsmacked you suggested a hotel. Get earplugs for your daughter.

So she makes you all feel inferior. It’s not her fault - so stop blaming and demonising her. You’ve fallen on your feet with a DH prepared to take on your brood, which must be hard for her, so own your insecurities and do right by her. You knew you would be taking her on when you married DH - you can’t just airbrush her out of the picture as it suits you.

So she is a successful young woman who doesn't live with you, has the decency to be quiet when she comes in from a night out once in a blue moon, but you're moaning because of your DC sensitivity to her presence. It's unfair. Your DC difficulties are not her fault. It does come across that you don't particularly like her and are perhaps jealous of her fathers adoration of her, the princess comment is very telling. Tbh OP I think you have some feelings of inadequacy and you're projecting that onto your SD. Have to say I'm glad I have SS. I can see how it could cause jealousy, not being the number 1 woman in DHs life.

You have no idea. 🙄 Bullies like the SD are usually very sly and get a kick from doing bitchy things that go under everyone else’s radar.

My niece is just like this. She’s the Golden child who went to Uni and has a well paid career and treats her older sibling (self employed hairdresser) dreadfully but parents can’t or won’t see it. On the rare occasions we have a large family get together it doesn’t take long for the nasty one to do or say something to hurt the other one. I think she’s views it as sport.

I’m a lot younger than my sis and nearer in age to oldest niece than my sister so I always stick up for oldest niece but it really pisses me off that her parents are so wilfully blind to Miss bitchypants. Bizarrely, last time we were all together she took an unflattering photo of older niece using my phone and posted it online and then I got the blame. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m feeling sorry for your DSD. She may well not have bullied your DD, especially since you didn’t hear her name mentioned at the time in relation to bullying but knew she was head girl/award winner, etc - surely your DD would have said xx is bullying me and she is head girl.

You, maybe subconsciously, resent your SD, maybe because she is more of a high achiever than your DDs. You and your children moved into HER home and now you don’t even want her to visit. Your DSD’s comment about your DD’s weight was unkind and uncalled for. Her comment about her Dad finding your DD’s life was probably coming from a place of feeling pushed out -she comes home to you and your children living in her home, with yourself and your daughters making it blatantly obvious that you dislike her.

Who are you to suggest that your DSD doesn’t stay out late when she goes out - not her fault that your DD is a light sleeper onto suggest she stays in a hotel.

Completely agree.
I sometimes wonder if I too would be ignorant of how much I didn’t understand if I hadn’t learnt by having a DC with hidden disabilities. But when shown lack of knowledge it’s the hight of ignorance to deny it and claim expertise.

Think I tied myself in verbal knots there trying to be polite 😁

This was what I thought as well.

@Floppyelf you cannot compare an innocent woman who seems to be resented by a stepmother and 3 step siblings with that she devil child killer

You have no idea what this girl is or isn’t like, you don’t know her. You’re projecting onto her.

So you moved your adult children into her childhood home, are financially dependent on him to the point he even pays rent for the adult child who moved out...

and now you have the cheek to be snarky and dismissive of someone who worked hard, was head girl, got into the top university in the country, got a place at a law firm and is doing well for herself.

You are coming across as bitchy and jealous of this young woman's achievements. She was never identified as a bully when it was happening, but because some of her friends bullied your children you think it's OK to tar her with the same brush.

It's not surprising she may resent you - and your financially dependent grown ups who have taken over her childhood home while you try shove her in a hotel!

Your behavious towards her is horrible. I hope her father stands up for her.

I have children with autism too. That doesn't allow me to be nasty about oters who are making a success of themselves.

You and your children are taking the absolute piss. Your husband is a saint. His daughter is remarkably restrained with her snarky comments under the circumstances. You and your children (apart from your son) all seem to have massive chips on your shoulders over his high-achieving DD which is completely understandable I suppose, but the least you could do is smile sweetly and try to hide it a bit better, instead of behaving like a bunch of sulky, petulant, entitled teenagers.

If your DDs find it too challenging to spend a few days with her in what is, after all, her family home that they are lodging freely in thanks to the amazing generosity of her father, then perhaps they should remove themselves to a hotel for a few days or stay with their father or grandparents? Not expect her to stay in a hotel. It was absolutely outrageous of you to suggest that.

And before you say 'but but but autism' I don't care. That's your/their issue to deal with, not your stepdaughter's. She should be able to come home to visit, be with her dad, relax, enjoy herself and not have to tiptoe around your children and their various issues and insecurities.

Must be awful for the step daughter seeing these adults living in her family home being financed by her father.

Exactly how long is he meant to pay for them, until they're 45?

And some of us are glad not to be ableist, like you. How gracious of you not to feel sorry for her for having “children who can’t look after themselves”.