Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I feel sorry for the step daughter. She’s made some mean comments, but it must be very difficult for her to be so clearly unwelcome in her childhood home, so I think it’s probable she was under quite a lot of strain when she said them - and she did apologise. Other than that she sounds like an exceptional young woman and I can understand why her family are so proud of her. You and your daughters are almost certainly jealous of her.

And he's right. Can't believe you tried to get her to push off to a hotel at Christmas instead of staying in her own home with her father. I hope you didn't try to pass it off as a wonderful treat for her because you wouldn't fool anyone if you did.

@recipientofraspberries there is no evidence that she was a bully.

I can see evidence that the sd is being treated unpleasantly.

AIBU is the wrong forum to post on if you want support rather than shitty judgypants posters.

Parents of bullied autistic teens will understand exactly where you’re coming from and support you OP.

Must admit, there’s no way I’d have married the DH unless the DSD had acknowledged the bullying and sincerely apologised for her part in it. Insinuating that your daughter is fat at a size 14 is frankly ridiculous and shows she’s still happy to be a bitch. I’m really surprised that you haven’t been more assertive with your DH.

Being part of the group bullying someone IS bullying in my opinion (and experience). The crowd effect is one of the ways bullies (intentionally or not) intimidate and exclude their victims.

A person stating that their bully knows about bullying isn’t “mutually antagonistic” to me. And DSD apparently admits being among the group who bullied the girl in question.

I have strong feelings about this because bullying ruined my teenage years. I’m sure there are many members of the group that bullied me who wouldn’t consider themselves perpetrators, but they were.

I also said in my comment that I acknowledge I don’t know the objective reality of this particular situation, but I know very well the dynamic being described. I also know all the excuses and waving away that gets done and it’s all over this thread. If DSD never went to uni and was on benefits I’m not sure she’d be getting the moral support she’s getting on here.

So at 17, SD suddenly has to share her home with a stepmum and four children, two of whom have additional needs? Was she expected to make allowances for them, even then? If so, I can understand if she feels pushed out and resentful. If you are complaining about the impact her actions have on your children now, I can only imagine what it was like when they were younger. It sounds like you and your family turned up and took over. Also you say you don't know if she bullied your daughter or not, have you not discussed it in the last 7 years? And if she didn't bully her, what did you have against her? And if she didn't bully her - how hard to have to live with someone who claimed that she did.

I'm on it's 3-4 days (and will probably get less and less over the years, next year, may well be at his family's home), and your DH has your children in his house 365.

Highly likely from these posts.

DSD has massively lost out by her dad shacking up with you.

Your lack of actual emotional recognition of the imbalance of the situation is pretty spectacular the fact you had the brass neck to suggest he tell her she couldnt stay in her family home to accommodate your adult children is something.

I think deep down you resent her and are jealous of her because she is living a life that reflects back the huge gaps in the life your adult children are living

That isn't her fault. And she didnt just rock up to her employer and walk into a 50k job. She put in a shit load of time effort and work to get there.

Your DH comes across as a bit of doormat to be honest and I don't blame him for not even suggesting she stays somewhere else, because if I was her I would honestly have very little to do with him marrying someone who took up that much time energy and money into my childhood home.

If his daughter was actually a big meanie bully she would come home a lot more knowing it upsets you all… just throwing that out there.

It doesn’t sound like she was telling the truth when upon being challenged she went from ‘you were a bully’ to ‘you were friends with bullies’. She didn’t reaffirm her statement about the DSD being a bully and accuse her of lying about not being one, she changed her story.

We have no idea whether she even knew her friends were ‘bullying’ OP’s DD, or whether that’s even what was happening.

Why marry the father of the person that bullied your Daughter? Why did you think that wouldn't be a problem ? All the adults need to adult.

For goodness sake they are all adults

Your husband needs to tell his daughter not to be a dick.

Don't invite the boyfriend to stay there is no need

You tell your son not to be a dick.

And you help manage your daughters so they can cope
Plan their routines over the Xmas period in advance and buy ear plugs.

With autism being such a huge spectrum and the fact your DD are verbal and didn’t go to a sen school etc I’m guessing they’ve comprehension skills (I have 3 ASD dc, all different abilities) and with more able dc I don’t let them shy away from uncomfortable situations nor do I allow plans to not have sabotaged moments of unexpected events.
Ultimately when I’m dead, I can’t manage their lives and what my job has been is to teach them skills to cope with stressful situations. Even shitty strategies and the huffing and moaning are better than no skills to cope at all.
With my DC with lots of additional needs, I purposely do things like drive unfamiliar routes or don’t give him warning when we have guests. It can really fuck his day up and it’s terribly upsetting for him but he’s learning to manage things he doesn’t like such as a different drive home or his aunty popping in without warning. If I never did these things on the days there was road closures or a car accident and his route changed, he’d still be head butting the car window trying to smash it with his little head.
Your DD need to learn to cope with things they don’t want to do or things that make them uncomfortable. DSD is one of those things.
I fully understand and appreciate how upsetting it is seeing your ND children distressed especially in their home however this is an opportunity to help them grow life skills.
Autistic people aren’t exempt from having to experience unwanted interactions and by trying to manage every uncomfortable situation for them you’re not helping long term gain skills. Sorry to say that because I know you want to do the best for them.

Once I discovered this woman had been involved in bullying my child I would have ended the relationship.

Do you have enough money to take your DC elsewhere for Christmas? Just bugger off to a cottage in UK or abroad?

Do you think she just breezed through A-levels, Oxbridge, and now her law training without a lot of hard work and sacrificing of her free time? Literally no one can do that. Even on what you think is 'crazy money for a grad' she will not be living the high life in London on a trainee's salary. She's working her butt off in a stressful competitive job, and when she comes home to see her Dad there two people who are basically her own age living in his nice big house, rent free. Can you not understand where some of her frustration might come from?

So while you only found out about the dsd friendship with the bullies and possibly her might being one of them after a year into the relationship with her wealthy father, (who could provide your large family with a much better standard of living than you could), you still went ahead and married him.

Being friends with the bullies (if they were in fact bullies) isn’t the same thing as being a bully. She may very well not have had the slightest clue that there was any bullying. She ‘admits’ to being friends with them, she said nothing about being part of the bullying, being present for it, or even being aware that it was happening.

There is mutual antagonism between the DSD and the DD. Mutual antagonism is not bullying.

Having been a stepchild who never felt welcome in my own home I'd LOVE to hear the DSD's take on this.

OP you sound extremely chippy about the social divide between your DSD and your own DC. And your DSD is right - your DC are living off her father. You may not like it being pointed out, but I bet it pisses her off no end. It certainly would me!

DSD shouldn’t be rude to anyone - those comments were poor. But from everything else you’ve said, I’m afraid you come across as the unreasonable one, OP. The comments about DSD’s success come across as jealousy. Instead of resenting her, channel the energy into supporting your own children and helping them to become fulfilled and financially independent.

Presumably this is a big house if DSD still has a room and five other adults are living there. It’s incredible that you would resent DSD spending time there, especially if her mother died (?).

A previous poster suggested you take your children away for a few days and I think this is a great idea to allow DSD time alone with her dad and BF before spending Christmas all together.

I’m verbal, went to a conventional school and was still bullied. I also have suffered colossally from trying to force myself into conventional education and employment. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming because someone is verbal and went to mainstream school that they’re not legitimately disabled.

I do agree as a general point that all people of all abilities need to develop resilience and as much flexibility as possible. However, verbal autistic people are held to an often unrealistic standard because their disability is invisible, but significant nonetheless.

It's not 'deep down' resentment, it's glaringly clear and obvious!

This is so heartbreaking you would even consider that

You cannot wrap your kids up in cotton wool, you aren’t doing them any favours. They are in their twenties and need to start learning how to manage difficulties like this. What are they going to do when you are no longer around? You need to prepare them for living independently as much as possible.

I say this as a neurodiverse parent of neurodiverse kids.

Maybe some perspective would help, show them the Sara Sharif case to see how horrific life can be for some kids. In the grand scheme of things they sound very privileged themselves.

If that was my mum and it was a man who'd moved his family into my childhood home, I'd be really really worried she was being taken advantage of. Some people are very vulnerable to financial abuse.

Objectively.

OPs DD didn't say SD bullied her but was friends with people who did.
SD said she didn't (and hadn't said friends did as far as I can see).
OP and her adult children live in SDs childhood home.
OP doesn't want SD and boyfriend to visit childhood home and see her Dad because it will make DD uncomfortable about something SDs friends may have done at school (at least 6 years ago).
Dd is also uncomfortable generally about SD visiting her childhood home and seeing her Dad.
OP suggested SD stayed in a hotel.
SD said domething unkind once when frustrated and immediatly apologised.

Blended families are hard and currently SD (in the here and now) is getting the hardest time about something her friends did in the past (according to the DD).