Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

But in this instance including a non-biological child then means including all non-biological family. She's already said that it's only ever been female biological family members that do the meal and theatre trip; by inviting 1 non-biological person it then opens it up to in-laws etc. And when it's £100 per person that then gets expensive!

So I have now been reliably informed by my husband that should his sister ever invite my younger daughter again that she will be going!

What he did say though was that elder daughter would get an equal experience if younger went.

Good for your DH, He’s doing the only possible thing he can do given the situation you’ve chosen. He’s right to encourage his daughter to continue traditions with his family, and he is right to ensure his step daughter gets a similar treat too.

I’m not. Still very much a you issue, that one.

Just as well you don’t need to approve of my opinion, isn’t it?

It’s not about ‘punishing’ anyone. It’s about recognizing that they’re not responsible for pretending she’s more to them than what she is.

Luckily , I don’t believe most people think like this.

That seems more Iike something you’d like to believe, rather than something that’s actually true. Ime it’s a very normal sentiment in blended families.

Why dont you ask if your invited and your daughter, offer to pay for your own tickets etc

They do accept her as part of the family, as the in law she is to them. They don’t accept her as a grandchild or niece, as I don’t suppose Op accepts her PIL as her parents, or her SILs as her sisters.

They clearly don’t have to accept ‘the deal’ you think they do, given that it’s OP that’s having to do the accepting here.

You are just inventing words to justify treating a child like crap. it doesn’t matter if someone thinks of (eg) their son’s partner as an actual daughter, they have to accept DIL into the family - and that means treating her in a way that doesn’t make her feel hurt/ excluded/ not valued. PIL’s who behave like this rightly usually get kept at arms length; DIL doesn’t get told “they have a right to treat you however you like and you’ll need to manage your emotions about that”.

OP doesn’t have to accept it at all - that’s the point.
You think she does, but luckily I don’t think most people think like this.

*they have a right to treat you however they like

I think it's mean spirited of your SIL, and don't get me started on your MIL's bath bombs...
However, I think I would consider allowing the youngest to go if she wanted to, if offer comes up again. The truth is, your eldest is having a completely different experience of extended family to her sibling already - the Xmas show will just be a symptom of that. I think it would be an opportunity to check in with your child and acknowledge any feelings she might have about her situation with them. Sadly you can't change her father and his family's absence, or your DH's family's stance, but you can be there for your daughter emotionally when things like this come up. I think you did well to advocate for your daughter, shame they just don't get it.

Leaving children out and upsetting them unnecessarily isn’t my thing. I hope that you don’t have step-children in your close family. Such a cruel way to behave.

I’m in the OP’s camp. I think it’s shitty behaviour to exclude a nine year old because she’s not a blood relative. But at the end of the day OP’s DH seems to have treated her DD as his own. He can’t make the rest of his family do the same. I think it’s a good compromise that in future the younger DD gets to go on the family outings, and OP’s daughter gets an equivalent experience. Putting DH in the middle of this is unfair and kind of insulting to OP - it implies she can’t advocate for her daughter, which is clearly not the case.

It's not treating a child like crap. It's treating a child like a random child and not as a relative. To the OP's DH's family, she is just a random child. They'll be nice when/if they see her, as anyone would be to any random child, but they're not planning to spend money treating her to things. If a child came up to me in a coffee shop, I would speak to them (while looking around to see if there was a grown up in sight, to make sure the child was being watched safely from a distance and not unattended), I would giggle with them, but I would not take them to a West End show on my dime.

The OP's DH has to accept her first child as his own. That's a condition of their relationship - you cannot seriously date - let alone marry - a single parent and not accept their child(ren). The OP's DH's family have no such obligation to treat her child as his own.

It would be nice if they did, but they clearly have their reasons for not and that should be respected.

As has been said over and over again, it's not the DH's family who are the problem. It's DD1's DF and his family who are the problem. If both fathers of OP's children were equally involved and their families were too, this would be a complete non-issue. It only feels unfair to the OP because one of the families is a bit shit.

She has spent more than half of her life being the step-child. The family are choosing to exclude her. It’s cruel. She isn’t a family friend, what a awful way to view a young child of a blended family.

Maybe in this particular situation (judging this on the in-laws’ attitudes) the eldest DD wouldn’t see the family again if OP and her ‘D’H were to separate. But there are many step-parents who understand the commitment when marrying someone with small children, you don’t just marry the spouse you take on the children too. And there’s many who continue those relationships with their step-kids when those spousal relationships breakdown. The issue here is the ‘D’H and his family, who are purposefully leaving out a young kid. They sound like truly awful people. It’s cruel. I don’t understand why OP would want to continue a relationship with her partner if this is how her eldest child is treated by him and his family.

What new word did I come up with?

You think it’s ’treating a child like crap’ - I don’t share that opinion. I’m not ‘justifying’ anything I think is wrong.

Again, they have accepted her into the family - as an in law. Not treating her as their grandchild or niece doesn’t mean she isn’t a part of the family.

Of course OP has to accept it, as she cannot force them or her husband to agree with her. Regardless of whether she leaves or stays (and she has said nothing about leaving), she has to accept that she isn’t going to get what she wants from them. She doesn’t have to agree with them, and is entirely free to absolutely loathe their position, but she cannot force them to fill the roles she wants them to.

I said your problem with my opinion is just that - your problem. Your disgust is duly noted, but I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean to me.

We’re just going to have to agree to disagree as this is going round in circles.

She absolutely is NOT a “random” child, any more than OP is just a “random” person. It’s ludicrous to me that you could say this. OP and her DD are both core members of the family through social , legal, practical ties, regardless of biology, and they deserve to be treated with as much consideration, sensitivity and care as anyone else.

It's not treating a child like crap
The only measure of this is whether it is likely to feel hurtful / like a form of rejection by the child in question. OP, her mother- closest to the situation- thinks she will feel that way. It is cruel and wrong to treat a child like this.

DH’s family are a problem. They are not behaving in a decent way , and if I were OP I’d be keeping them at a distance to avoid harm to my child.

DD’s biological family are another, completely separate , problem.

Of course OP has to accept it, as she cannot force them or her husband to agree with her. Regardless of whether she leaves or stays (and she has said nothing about leaving), she has to accept that she isn’t going to get what she wants from them

How do you know what OP wants from them? You are projecting entirely. She doesnt need anything from this family, other than for them not to make her eldest feel like shit.
In her own OP she states that she’s been totally fine with the situation as is. The only problem arose when they decided they wanted to invite one DD but not the other. She said no, and they then had a problem because they didn’t get everything they wanted on their terms. OP doesn’t have to agree to those terms.

Now unfortunately they seem to have co-opted DH on their side, which is why my advice to OP was - DH stands up for you and your eldest , or you walk away. Simple. If she walks away, youngest DD can have an independent relationship with them, but OP and her eldest will be shielded from being blended with a family who treats them like they are second class , making eldest DD feel like shit. This is all that matters. What child needs access to people like that?

Surely honestly the easy answer to the ops dd is

“just like when daddy takes you out, (sils name) is taking out all her nieces”

Its factual. Her daddy once or twice a year maybe takes her out because his her daddy even if his a shit one. Once a year Sil takes out her sisters and nieces.

It only becomes a big deal if people make it one. Ops daughter isn’t sils niece, and if she lets this cause a huge issue with her dh sil won’t be even a sil for long as ops daughter will have a deadbeat dad an ex step dad and her sister will be off Eow - 50/50 will DD gets her once a year maybe.

What’s a bigger issue there. I’d say letting it split the new together family over a once a year trip because it’s easier and lazier to not explain truly about blended families and all that how they work differently.

It’s a shame they can’t think of you daughter as family - but you can’t force it.

it’s also not their fault that your elder daughters dad is so useless. I assume your daughter has other grandparents and maybe even aunts and uncles who don’t bother with her. That’s awful and shame on them.

maybe if your husband adopted your daughter it would change things? But at the minute your daughter isn’t technically related to them - and should you and your husband split they might never see her again.

It’s hardly a projection to state that she wants them to treat her eldest the same as they do her youngest. She does.

Where did I say that they get everything on their terms? I didn’t. They obviously have to accept that OP doesn’t like their feelings and actions, as they had to accept her saying no on this occasion.
OP too has to accept the reality she’s faced with, as it’s been made clear to her that they’re not going to consider and treat her eldest as something that she isn’t to them. It’s up to her how what form this acceptance takes, regarding whether she stays or leaves.

There are a lot of threads like this on mumsnet.

the new family doesn’t accept the step child as a full family member, the step child has a rubbish father and paternal family and the mum wants the new step grandparents and step aunts and uncles to be think of the child as their own. But they just don’t see the child that way.

As lovely as it would be, you can’t define other people’s family for them.

“what form of acceptance” 😂🤦🏼‍♀️. Okkk.