Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Agree, @Lassofnorth

They have made their sentiments known. I would no longer bother with them.

nope. what she needs to do is remove her child from a situation where shitty adults have the power to hurt her.

It is a blood family trip - the MIL, her two daughters and their children. They invited OP’s youngest, not OP. OP herself said they treat her eldest like extended family, akin to a cousin.

She isn’t being included in a trip they arrange for grandchildren and niblings, neither of which she is. I don’t agree with you that not treating her as something she isn’t to them is an unkindness 🤷🏻‍♀️

Managing her daughter’s expectations and feelings regarding her in laws is something she’ll have to regardless of whether she stays or leaves.

Why? If she leaves they won’t be her in laws and therefore of far less - if any- relevance.

I'm so thankful that my step family didn't host "blood family" events. What a sad and frankly chilling notion.

If she considers them her family in the same way they are family to her younger sister, then presumably she’ll be wondering why her sister goes and spends time with them, and her father, while she no longer sees them at all. That will be something OP has to deal with.

To add your ‘D’H is a sh*tty step-dad. When he married you he took on your eldest DD as part of the family too. She was a small child with an absent father. He knew that. That’s how it works. His behaviour here should also be questioned and scrutinised. He should be advocating for your eldest DD as part of your little family unit and making sure that she is included.

If this behaviour were to continue I’d be genuinely questioning my relationship with my ‘D’H. Not even joking. It’s bully behaviour.

‘Blood family trip’. What a horrible family tradition to knowingly exclude a 9 year old child that has spent more than half of its life as part of this family.
It is unkind.
It is cruel.
It is bully behaviour.

You really should question your own morals and principles if you think it’s okay to treat a child this way.

I do think it’s okay for them to want to spend time with, and treat, their own niece and grandchild without including her sister, yes. OP’s eldest daughter is neither niece nor grandchild to them, and they don’t need to pretend she is.

You can take whatever issue you want with them, but I’m fine with my own morals and principles.

It's unfortunate this is the issue witb blended families. You refer to your children as sisters but reality is they are half sisters to everyone else.

Your hurt is understandable but I would explain to your older daughter why this is happening. At 9 they are old enough.

Speaks volumes about your character.
I’d be ashamed if I were you.

Intellectually understanding VS feeling and processing are very different things. It might not seem entirely logical to you (it does to me, she has been through the trauma of a family breakdown and this is meant to be her new family) but logic is not what matters here. It's how a child will feel.

We’re not talking about an inheritance or pretending they are her grandparents, it’s just a panto ticket and Xmas presents and making a child feel included.

Lol, ‘fair’ - it’s not ‘fair’ to expect the in laws to compensate for the failings of the eldest’s paternal family, nor for the youngest to miss out.

And your comment about being fair! That is just really galling to me. Never mind judging someone for having their family break down, then you want to punish a child for it? It's not about the mother, it's not about blood, it's about children having developing hearts and brains and needing to be kind to them.

The vote here is quite evenly split which really saddens me. I guess a lot of people are in blended families and don't feel capable of taking on the responsibility of actually blending families, and so there will be a lot of messed up children to perpetuate this situation.

Exactly that's what the dad is doing protecting HIS child! DD1isn't his child DD1 has a dad. Even if she doesn't see him much she sees him!
The mum needs to hold DD1's dad and his family too account for not being in DD1's life!

She hasn't spent more than ½ her life as part of the family though, they have no relationship with her.
She's spent more than ½ her life with her mum telling her that she's their family but she isn't! She's a family friend that's all - there is no biological or in-law relationship. If OP and her DH spilt she'd never see them again! OP has proven that by not keeping up a relationship with DD1's paternal family!

I don't know that I've ever heard a more callous or despicable term than "blood family trip."

Well it actually is in this instance though cause OP has already said no in-laws are invited. So it is just female blood relatives.
I mean there's possibly a better way to say it; but in its basic terms that's what it is

she has been through the trauma of a family breakdown and this is meant to be her new family

This is the crux of it. There can be no such thing as a “new family”. Families aren’t like houses you can move in and out of, and yet that’s what the eldest DD’s position is. This poor eldest child has already understood, before the DH and his family or the youngest DD appeared on the scene, that family isn’t a permanent thing. That parental - let alone grand parental - bonds can be broken. The only permanence she has in her life is her mother and now a half-sister (may they stay close all their lives).

Half the posters on this thread are berating the DH’s family for not being the “new family” she can move into, what with being such a young child. OF COURSE that would be lovely. But you need the agreement and consent of all the members of that new family for it to happen. They don’t consent or agree - and they’re not obliged to. They have their own lives, their own ideas and values and goals and children etc. The DH has moved the girl into the family, they’re saying “well, actually, we don’t agree to this” and he’s saying “OK, but her half-sister stays doesn’t she?” to which the answer is “yes!”.

It’s as though the mum moved the eldest into a new house and let her think she lived there when in fact she didn’t first inquire on the terms of their lease, that in fact she - and only she - is a guest. That is not okay. It’s cruel. She’s gone on to have another child who is fully entitled to live in that house. What is she to do now? Remove both and split from another father? Tell the eldest being a mere guest in that house is better for her than being separated from her half-sister who is actually allowed to live there?

This happens all the time. As has been said on this thread, some children grow up hating it, some don’t mind, some struggle for the rest of their lives. This is in no way the fault of people who aren’t party to those huge decisions. They’re just there and convenient scapegoats, forced to face an awkward situation (nobody wants to be them, after all).

I think the poll reflects the numbers who don’t have personal experience of blended families and those who do, quite accurately.

This is in no way the fault of people who aren’t party to those huge decisions

Look, extended family can feel however they want to feel in their hearts, but it’s really not hard to invite a child for dinner with all the other children. Of course this is on them.
You don’t chose your children’s ( or your sibling’s spouse), but you accept them as part of the family if you want a relationship with your son/ daughter/ sibling (even if you secretly don’t like their spouse and wish they had chosen differently). That’s just the deal. Same goes for children.

There are constant excuses being made on mumsnet for treating children like garbage and it’s not ok.

Well said, Tandora.

There are some really stunted and selfish people out there.

Whatever they privately "feel" about the child's DNA, it's not that much of an ask to put aside those "feelings" and include them. It's what mature people who aren't totally insular and self-absorbed would automatically do.

For my part, I’ve said that in this instance it’s wrong to exclude the eldest DD from the pantomime. But the whole point is that this isn’t just about pantomimes. It always ends up being about much more, and I guarantee the DH’s family have been talking about that “much more” since he married the OP.

Aside from this case of the panto, the person who has treated the eldest DD as garbage is her own bio dad. Followed by her stepdad who didn’t sort this out before he had another child with the OP, followed by the OP who put the girl into this situation. The aunts and grandparents are at the bottom of the list. It’s never ok to treat a child poorly. Nobody is saying it is.

It's so easy not to be unkind. The panto arrangements could have just stayed as they are every year - zero effort. You've really got to stretch to invite along a tiny girl without either of her parents or her sister - that's making a real statement.

Fuck my fucking life. This is stomach churning in its ugliness.