Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

[Bookish01]

My dh of 20 years is very sociable and has lots of friends. He recently gave a female colleague a lift home from work and since then they’ve arranged to meet for a lunchtime drink soon. She’s about 10 years younger, single parent. She usually gets lifts with another male colleague and assume will continue to do so when their car is fixed.
Dh always been faithful and trustworthy. I’m in a bit of a weird place emotionally and lacking a lot of self confidence recently probably due to empty nest syndrome.
I said to him that I feel uncomfortable with his plans to meet her and he’s not responded well and said I’ve got nothing to worry about and he should be allowed to meet a mate, male or female. He’d be fine with me doing the same.
Aibu to ask him not to meet her? (It won’t go down well)

He says he is fine you doing the same because its all hypothetical. Do it. Book a drink with a male colleague. Or say you are then take yourself off alone to the movies or meet a girlfriend.

See how he actually feels.

I wouldn't ask him not to meet. I'd ask to come along too, bright and perky as if you just want to meet this fabulous woman and have fun with him on a lunch out. Even better, assume the lunch date was all of you and just go along. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

What’s your concern? I assume you think he’ll cheat/want to cheat? Why do you think that?

Because she’s a single parent, do you think she’ll jump on any man who gives her the time of day?

FWIW, this wouldn’t be a problem in my marriage- I have no issues with my husband going for lunch or drinks with a female friend or colleague, and he’s the same with me. I frequently meet male colleagues for lunches etc due to the nature of my job. It would never dawn on me that my husband would have an issue with it.

Hmm, I have to say I agree with him.
You either trust him or you don't?

I am going to my works xmas party tomorrow and will be drinking all afternoon with my male colleagues. My husband doesn't bat an eyelid because he trusts me.

Thanks, that feels reassuring

He would genuinely be fine with this

I think it's your self esteem that is the issue here and not your husband having lunch with a colleague, would you have the same feeling if she was 20 years old than him and married?

…why do women think that other women are remotely interested in thier partner ? Is like all women are predatory, and waiting to pounce on the next available man. Or maybe women are so weak-willed, that one flicker of interest off a man, and they jump into bed with him.

I think it’s because things have been really rocky recently and it’s because he’s good friends with another female colleague and they’re in touch a lot out of work not socially but messaging. Again, all completely innocent but I struggle with it. I don’t want him to think I’m controlling him

I go for dinner and drinks with a male friend, my husband does the same with a female friend.

I haven't met the husbands friend just due to logistics but my husband has met my friend loads since he will often come round to meet me when we go out or he will come over for a coffee on occasion.

You can never prevent anybody from cheating, only they themselves can do that.

Your feelings matter. Even if they’re irrational. If your husband hears that you’re feeling a bit insecure, he should put you first and not go. He shouldn’t dismiss your feelings and put his friend first. I’d just tell him not to go. You are number one, that’s it.

If she was ugly and he didn’t think she was attractive - there is ZERO chance they would be going for a drink. ZERO.

It’s most likely his little middle age ego boost.

This isn’t some old time friend - it’s a young most likely vulnerable woman who works at his place who he gave a lift to now thinks he can get a shag out of it or an ego boost.

Im embarrassed for him

I often have drinks / lunch / dinner with male colleagues. Means nothing, just a chance to vent or gossip with people who have similar professional experiences.

I have also been the young, single mum who rarely made female friends because I was treated with suspicion. So my friends were mostly men. And that made women more suspicious, just a vicious circle.

Having said all that, keep an eye on things from a distance and listen to your spidey senses. No man is immune to cheating.

Definitely don't take the advice of a PP and invite yourself to the drinks, you will look like a complete loon.

I'm meeting an ex colleague, male for a drink tomorrow. Wouldn't occur to me not to. We worked together for 20 odd years and it's a Christmas catch up. If my husband told me I couldn't (not that I would ask his permission in the first place), I'd be pretty pissed off.

Edit - and oh god, don't invite yourself along

Are you sure men don’t ever want to go for a drink with an ugly old bird, on a platonic basis?

What specifically is ot that worries you?

Her age?
The fact age is single?

On the surface, you are being unreasonable and he is right that he can go for a drink with a friend and it shouldn't matter regardless of whether said friend is male or female.

But, you feel how you feel. What you need to figure out is it this because he has given you cause to think he might cheat or because you feel like she is better than you because she is younger etc.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with your situation.

Conversely I regularly have lunch with a male ex colleague - the difference being we are both happily married and have met each others’ partners on multiple occasions so everyone knows it’s a ‘cranky sibling’ dynamic rather than anything flirty.

You can't control what he can do and who he can see.
You can control your reaction to it.

You either trust him or you don't. If you trust him, no problem. If you don't.......

I work with men, and I socialise with them, if my husband tried ro control me and tell me I wasn’t allowed, I am not sure our marriage would survive, I would not tolerate him deciding who I was allowed to be friends with.

I understand you’ve mental health issues with self esteem and I guess jealousy. But these are yours to manage, if you think your husband will cheat, then sort that out, banning him socialising with women will not be the solution you think

and I’d reconsider your views that as this woman is single and friendly with her colleagues she’s your husbands for the taking. That’s unpleasant.

You asking/telling him not to go is not going to prevent an affair if he is so inclined but is likely to widen the gap between you and actually have the opposite effect to the one you want. His intentions may or may not be pure but trying to control him definitely isn't the answer.

What nonsense, I go out for a drink with younger male colleagues on the regular.

do people really think like this, it’s like something out a Jane Austin novel. Men and women can’t be friends, good grief.

Telling your spouse he truth about how you feel shouldn’t pull you apart, it should bring you closer. Why not just be frank and honest? I don’t understand why a friend is more important than a spouse. If my spouse said they were feeling insecure I’d drop a friend straight away.

This is good - if he doesn’t want you there, why not? What will they be discussing that should be kept strictly between the two of them? If it was another man then the dynamic would arguably be off and understandable if he didn’t want you there but be interesting to hear his reasoning in this scenario

Wow would you really? You’d just drop a friend as your bloke said he was jealous and insecure. Does no part of you see what’s wrong with That?

I’m agog at these responses. If my husband said he wanted to come with me when out with my friends, male or female I’d be horrified. Do people really do this. Tag along and not let their partners, male or female go out alone.