Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

184 replies

Bookish01 · 19/12/2024 13:54

My dh of 20 years is very sociable and has lots of friends. He recently gave a female colleague a lift home from work and since then they’ve arranged to meet for a lunchtime drink soon. She’s about 10 years younger, single parent. She usually gets lifts with another male colleague and assume will continue to do so when their car is fixed.
Dh always been faithful and trustworthy. I’m in a bit of a weird place emotionally and lacking a lot of self confidence recently probably due to empty nest syndrome.
I said to him that I feel uncomfortable with his plans to meet her and he’s not responded well and said I’ve got nothing to worry about and he should be allowed to meet a mate, male or female. He’d be fine with me doing the same.
Aibu to ask him not to meet her? (It won’t go down well)

OP posts:
asrl78 · 26/12/2024 22:42

gannett · 21/12/2024 08:10

Also, I find him outrageously gorgeous, but I don't imagine every single woman in the world does. And even if they do, well that's for him to deal with.

Personally I assume most women and indeed a lot of men find DP as gorgeous as I do - it's objectively true! - and so have simply had to accept that if I allow him to set foot outside the house, he will have to fend off hordes of people attracted to him.

I assume he thinks the same about me tbh.

The weirdest aspect of MN's sex-obsession is that most posters seem to think that finding someone else attractive will inevitably lead to acting on that. Have they never heard of self-control? Are they only friends with ugly people? I think most of my friends, male and female, are good-looking and well-groomed. Doesn't mean I want to jump their bones.

My late mother was of the opinion that a man and a woman cannot have any sort of relationship without sexual tension being included somewhere. It would not surprise me if many other women thought like this as well. Heaven knows what they would think of me playing bridge with a woman 20 years older then going for a meal with her after which happened once, funnily enough no-one in the bridge club questioned me or her about that. You wouldn't believe the orgies I get involved with on my canasta evening with three men and three women. 🙄

Anonym00se · 26/12/2024 22:57

asrl78 · 26/12/2024 22:36

The key point that came out of the OP's post is "low self esteem". This can influence people into believing that any meeting of their partner with someone of the opposite sex must constitute a risk that person will steal their partner from them. Ironically, in some cases the reaction caused by the low self esteem can result in the thing they are frightened of, i.e. their partner does go off with someone else because they are sick of the drama and suspicion. Yet another example of where logic needs to be used to override emotion.

Show quote history

Or sometimes their spider senses are tingling for a damn good reason, but they’ll convince themselves they’re just being insecure because of their low self-esteem. It can work both ways.

GhostOfChristmasPudding · 27/12/2024 07:50

The thing that strikes me the most about some of these responses is the belief that if the husband was going to start an affair, not meeting for a drink would somehow prevent it.

It might be totally innocent. He might be trying to start an affair. We have no idea, and OP's paranoia and low self-esteem make me wonder if there's more to this that we don't know about.

But he's going to try for an affair with his colleague, he's going to do it whether he goes for a drink with her or not. OP either trusts him or she doesn't. You can't prevent someone having an affair, and this is the reason women on here are constantly reminded to maintain financial and emotional independence.

I'm also laughing at the idea that single mothers, (I'm one) are all just waiting to pounce on married men, apparently.

Imisssleep2 · 27/12/2024 21:14

Years ago then I was younger this would have bothered me, but after 18 years of faithfulness I know my husband wouldn't do anything, he has met women collegues outside of work, it's fine, if there is trust.

You can't tell him not to go, you either trust him or you don't.....

I must admit it was always other women I didn't trust, didn't trust them not to try it on etc, but you just have to trust dh to do the right thing if that should happen, hopefully not and it is just friendship

MasterBeth · 27/12/2024 21:33

One colleague I was friends with for 5 years, the minute he split with his fiancée, asked me out and said he'd wanted to do it for years but didn't want to betray his then partner. Well, he betrayed my friendship and his fiancé wasted years on someone who fancied another woman!!

I don't understand this attitude. Surely, we all feel attraction for other people, even if we are in a relationship. The important thing is if we act on it.

This guy didn't until he was single. I don't understand how this is a betrayal of your friendship.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 16/02/2025 15:50

PabloTheGreat · 19/12/2024 14:49

I'm going to my works Christmas do tomorrow, staying over in the city and it's mostly men my age. I'll be drinking but there's not a single one I would ever think of in that way. And if they ever thought of me in that way, I'm confident enough to clearly turn them down.

I am biased but I've yet to meet a guy who wants to be a friend and who has zero ulterior motive ever. My twenties were littered with "friends" who were only biding their time before making a move and then blaming me for being stupid enough to think being a friend was enough for them. So I'm well able for any bloke who thinks that because I'm friendly I must somehow be giving him secret telepathic signals.

I mean, men's new friends at work are never Marge in her late 50s in accounts are they? It's always someone younger, and I really do believe that even if they have zero intention of cheating, they enjoy the attention and any flirting from someone they find attractive. And therein lies the line for me. I've no interest in being with a man who would do that, and DH feels likewise.

I do know guys who have a bunch of female friends and who make female friendships that remain female friendships, but they are few and far between.

I totally agree.
Im guessing he’s in his 40’s or 50’s.
If he’s sociable and likeable I doubt he has a shortage of existing friends to go out with at lunchtime or any other time.
During my 40’s and now 50’s, there weren’t / aren’t enough days in the week for me to meet with all the existing wonderful friends I already have. I’ve no time of interest in seeking out new friendships or connections.
I trusted my husband with my life for the last 28 years.
He isn’t the type / not capable of cheating.
I recently found out that he’s been having a full on affair with a work colleague for 5 years.
Started off with the occasional lunch at work.
After a works event, they would be the ones at the end of the night “staying on and chatting.”
In no time at all they were confiding in each other and their “connection” grew very quickly.
How do you know about the lift and lunch drinks ?
I Understanding you are not in a great place atm.

Do you meet with your husband at lunchtimes or go out in the evening together ?
Put in effort to have some special and fun times with your husband to keep your spark.
Please don’t blindly ignore.
I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it’s nothing more.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 16/02/2025 16:19

C8H10N4O2 · 19/12/2024 21:24

No it implied nothing of the sort. However its no more likely than in any other setting so unless you are planning to propose sex segregated workplaces, leisure places and just about everywhere else then the workplace setting is irrelevant. A man or woman (it takes two) looking to play away will do it.

Networking and maintaining links with colleagues is a fundamental part of many jobs - restricting women from networking and building links with colleagues is simple sexism because the restriction will disproportionately impact women.

If the men you know would try it on and harrass female colleagues in work related settings you might want to demand higher standards from the men in your life.

Show quote history

The workplace is the most common place for an affair.

Dh meeting female colleague for a drink
SunflowerTed · 15/03/2025 00:05

It’s a difficult one. I think if it really upsets you then your partner maybe should have a rethink.,your feelings matter x

SallyWD · 15/03/2025 11:43

My DH has four sisters and is very close to his mum. He's not blokey or a man's man. Ever since I've known him he's had female friends, most of whom he's met through uni/work. I have to say I love this about him. It shows me that he sees women as human beings he respects, not simply people to potentially have sex with. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't have female friends when married to me because, you know, he might be tempted to shag them.
He's often gone out for dinner or drinks with colleagues, male and female. Last week he went on a hike with a female colleague.
I've always had male friends too and DH has no problem with this. He often drops me at the pub to meet an old male friend of mine.
If DH was starting to fall in love with with a colleague I don't see what difference it would make if i said "I forbid you to have a drink with her." He'd see her at work every day anyway and if he wanted to, he could sneak around behind my back.
How he behaves in our marriage is entirely his responsibility. It's not for me to police his behaviour. If he wants to fuck up his life by shagging around then that's on him. He'd lose his wife, kids and happy home. This is completely his choice. Either he values our marriage or he doesn't. I'm not going to waste my energy trying to control him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page