Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

[Bookish01]

My dh of 20 years is very sociable and has lots of friends. He recently gave a female colleague a lift home from work and since then they’ve arranged to meet for a lunchtime drink soon. She’s about 10 years younger, single parent. She usually gets lifts with another male colleague and assume will continue to do so when their car is fixed.
Dh always been faithful and trustworthy. I’m in a bit of a weird place emotionally and lacking a lot of self confidence recently probably due to empty nest syndrome.
I said to him that I feel uncomfortable with his plans to meet her and he’s not responded well and said I’ve got nothing to worry about and he should be allowed to meet a mate, male or female. He’d be fine with me doing the same.
Aibu to ask him not to meet her? (It won’t go down well)

No, not at all. If it happened all the time it would be an issue but if my partner genuinely said they felt insecure I’d put their feelings first.

He said come along if you want although think he’d find it a bit odd as I don’t know her. Also I’m usually at work then so would have to time off. I think it would feel a bit odd as it would give checking on vibes I think

Christ, what a nasty, insecure, needy and unnecessary post. You need to get a grip of yourself.

If you don't like it for what ever reason i think i would be upset if my husband still wanted to meet her knowing it upset me - regardless you can't help how you feel and i don't subscribe to this being the "cool wife" either its about respect you

Probably.

Although I am fairly unattractive now (thanks to the ravages of health etc) and my 20 years older ex boss still meets me regularly for a coffee

I think it's a friendship based on mutual respect rather than anything else . His wife seems fine with it, my husband is fine with it

That said, instinct tells me he may well have come out as gay if he had been born 20 years later, so maybe that's why his wife doesn't see me as a threat!

Batshit post of the day!

You feel how you feel but the issue is why you feel like that.

I meet male friends and colleagues for drinks; my partner meets female friends and colleagues for drinks. My social circle is similar. Meeting someone of the regardless of their sex outside of work for a catch up is pretty normal IMO and wouldn't make me jealous or worried.
So what does worry you this time? What else is going on in your life or your relationship to make you concerned?

You have every right to feel uneasy but in this circumstance it’s important to demonstrate trust, even if you are struggling. The best thing to do is let him go, not kick up a fuss, but then keep that communication open. Talk to him afterwards about how it was difficult for you and this is an area you aren’t feeling strong in right now. What you’re doing is underlining you DO and will trust, but letting him reassure and support you. He will feel a lot better to do it, too, knowing he isn’t being caged in and you’re taking the steps to take responsibility for your feelings on it.

My wife goes out for drinks with her male colleages often. Sometimes as a group, usually one to one. She loves them. They take the piss out of her, and have her in stitches. I'm sure all of them fancy her to some extent, she's pretty, and funny, why wouldn't they? You just have to trust, and recognise that your person comes home to you. No second chances for infidelity though.

I guess it depends on the specific circumstances doesn’t it. He’s given this younger, single woman a lift and they’ve obviously clicked, which is why they want to go for a drink. Why? Is it bc she needs his advice for work? Bc he is introducing her to a friend of his he thinks she’d be interested in or could help her in some way? To discuss the topics of conversation they had in the car on their way to work? If it’s the latter, then this is a date. Fine if they’re both single - not if he’s partnered up, which he is. He should also be sensitive enough to his wife’s feelings to think - I can chat to x at work during a break, I don’t NEED to go out specifically to do this - just the two of us with alcohol etc.

Many women on here are citing their male friends that they’ve known before they got with their partner, or have known for years. Thats a completely different situation! It doesn’t sound like he’s known this colleague long, or if he has, hasn’t got to know her before. There’s getting on with a colleague and forming a close relationship with them which involves meetings and extensive social communication outside of work. It’s totally disrespectful and unreasonable for him to expect his wife to be ok with this. If he would be then he’s obviously checked out of the relationship and doesn’t care if it fails bc he’s got his eye elsewhere.

Sorry, OP, he’s a shit.

I meet with male friends now and again and DP has quite few female friends. Neither of us would think twice about the other meeting up for a drink with a colleague of the opposite sex. If my DP was telling me who I could and couldn't go for a drink with, we wouldn't be together any more.

Mm, one drink and then lunchtime drinks. Did she go for lunchtime drinks with the other lift giver?

Don't ask to go along, don't arrange to go for drinks with another man.

Is the lunchtime drink on a work day? Or is it on a weekend when he would have been spending time with you?

I had a 'work husband' years ago, we were thick as thieves at work but because we had so much in common, similar interests and got on really well. He is married to a lovely woman and they have 3 children. I was on and off single. The friendship was completely platonic. He was such a lovely bloke, and funny and he was a confidant, gave great advice. We still keep in touch even 18 years later through social media and every now and again meet up for cake and a coffee, or a cheeky pint and put the world to rights.

I would try not to worry and it's probably completely innocent. You will be able to see if he starts acting differently or shifty or if it starts to become a regular thing, that's when you need to worry.

My DH has a couple of female ex colleagues he meets very occasionally for a coffee/catch up. I have no issue with this.

OP, would you have any concerns if she was 10 years older?

Wow, I'd never do this. If my partner was feeling anxious about our relationship, I'd look to reassure them in other ways. But I'd never send the message to a friend that "I'm dumping you because of my partner's insecurities ". That's a shitty way to treat someone.

Thank you so much everyone for all your views. I think I will say to him I appreciate that he has a right to see whoever he wants. That I’m sorry that I’m in a weird place emotionally and I wish I could be much cooler about it, but I want to be honest and can’t pretend it doesn’t make me feel a bit insecure and upset. That I may feel differently in a year or so but atm this is where I am, rightly or wrongly. I won’t tell him what he can do or turn up and It’s up to him what he does but this is how it would sadly make me feel right now (and I really wish it didn’t!)

I disagree with many on here- I think many here are thinking from a 'woman's' viewpoint and I do find women can genuinely be simply friends and colleagues and drinks genuinely mean drinks with all kinds of men, old, young, colleagues etc- just basically folk you get on with.

I have rarely met a man of any age who goes out his way to ask new female colleagues or acquaintances on 'one on one 'drinks unless they were attractive ( to them) , there was a spark or they were very potentially useful to them career/networking wise.

I'm sure others will say otherwise but at 63 having worked in lots of industry's , I'm being honest about what I have found to be the score more often than not

Can I ask why a year, and what will you do to help yourself get better?

as I think if you say you’re going for therapy etc, booked in, socialising yourself more, whatever it takes for you to fix your issues, I might be open to support.

but if I got I might feel different in a year, not doing anything about it, I’d feel I was being emotionally maniplated, and be very pissed off. Obvs I’d go.

@Bookish01 despite my post below lovely though I would say 'yep, no problem' and keep an eye on things, as nothing becomes more appealing than 'forbidden'

I’m currently seeing a counsellor and stating HRT for emotional reasons.
i understand but I think I can only be honest with him then it’s up to him

I can struggle with insecurity and my DP will always do anything to reassure me but I couldn’t imagine asking him to drop a friend. What did the friend do to deserve that!? It’s a very slippery slope of control that’ll only lead to secrets IMO.

My partner recently did an overnight with work where a female colleague went with. They had hotel rooms on separate floors but went out to dinner together (on company dime) and had a few drinks after a long day. When he came home I fully admit I was anxious and he helped me through it with transparency and patience. Your partner is just that. Work through it together, but you shouldn’t be restricting and policing his interactions.

Women are more than sex objects and we need to really see each other that way. Women, as people, have just as much to offer platonically or to a colleague at work, as another man.

I completely agree with you!

I'm glad we have mn to help challenge thinking. Women don't want to sleep with every guy they meet, however much the men might think we do and that they're the ones showing restraint.

Please don’t do this. It would be so embarrassing.

Hmmm, I’m on the fence.

Dh was out with some of his team last night, they were all women. Only 5 went, none of the guys could make it.

He said eveyone went home at 10, bar one woman and she and dh stayed until 11 and then he gave her a lift home as he doesn’t drink. I don’t know how old she is or anything about her. I’ve never asked.

A decade ago, I’d have been seething with jealousy. All these years on, I couldn’t give a shit, I didn’t even ask about his evening and wouldn’t have unless he was chatting about it today.

I don’t think I’d care if he went out with a female colleague for lunch. To be fair, I wouldn’t know.