Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

[Bookish01]

My dh of 20 years is very sociable and has lots of friends. He recently gave a female colleague a lift home from work and since then they’ve arranged to meet for a lunchtime drink soon. She’s about 10 years younger, single parent. She usually gets lifts with another male colleague and assume will continue to do so when their car is fixed.
Dh always been faithful and trustworthy. I’m in a bit of a weird place emotionally and lacking a lot of self confidence recently probably due to empty nest syndrome.
I said to him that I feel uncomfortable with his plans to meet her and he’s not responded well and said I’ve got nothing to worry about and he should be allowed to meet a mate, male or female. He’d be fine with me doing the same.
Aibu to ask him not to meet her? (It won’t go down well)

Yeah, this. ^ People can go on and on as much as they like about how they would be 'absolutely fine' with their husband having a meeting alone (coffee/drinks out/a meal together etc) with a young, attractive female, (or any female actually - even the same age as them.) But I don't believe them.

For instance, I'm in my late 50s - and if my husband was going out and meeting up with a woman from work, or a hobby group - just him and her, whether she was the same age, or younger, I wouldn't be happy with it. And I know for a fact he wouldn't be happy with me going out with a man on my own. The vast majority of people - men AND women would not be happy with this.

I don't care what anybody says, it's not normal or acceptable for a married man to be going out with a woman on his own, or a fairly regular basis. A bunch of women from a hobby group or from work, yeah, but not one woman and him on their own ... It's just weird, and it's unacceptable to do this when you're married.

There are a few exceptions of course, like my (adult) DC, both around 30 y.o. meet friends of the opposite sex occasionally, that they knew from school, and they go to the cinema together, or do a certain hobby together that they enjoy. But they've been mates since they were children, and they knew them WAY before they met their current partner. AND they know their partners well, and they all go out in groups occasionally.

However, if (for example,) a married man has a female friend who he sees on his own socially, and he met her after he met his wife, and she doesn't know his wife, (and has no intention of getting to know her) then that is a red flag. In many cases, they don't know his wife, they don't WANT to, and see her as a hinderance, getting in the way of the 'friendship' with this particular man. It's a bad sign when the married man's female friend has zero interest in getting to know his wife, and has no interest in even talking to her... Very telling, and very suspicious...

And why, WHY is the married man not wanting or letting his wife meet his 'female friend.' ???

I genuinely would be fine with it. Because I wouldn't be with someone if I had to feel like I couldn't trust them alone with someone of the opposite sex. I don't see the point in a relationship if that's how it has to be.

You don't have to believe me, but it is true.

I'm not my husband's keeper. He's his own man with friends of all kinds, and varying depths of closeness.

He makes the choice each day to be with me and I wouldn't settle for anything less. I'm not going to keep him on a leash just to 'keep my man'. Yuck.

Also, I find him outrageously gorgeous, but I don't imagine every single woman in the world does. And even if they do, well that's for him to deal with.

@NoIdeaWhatsHappeningHere the fact that a husband has respect for his partner's feelings does not mean she has him on a leash - quite the opposite.

I don't care what anybody says, it's not normal or acceptable for a married man to be going out with a woman on his own, or a fairly regular basis

There are a few exceptions of course

Yes. I suppose one of the exceptions might be relationships where it is normal and acceptable.

The amount of paranoia on here is astonishing. Surely that’s not reflective of real life. Men and women mix day in day out and manage to control any sexual urges.

I work in a male dominated industry. Plenty of 1:1 coffees, lunches, dinners, business trips. I’m married and so are my male colleagues in the main. Some on 2nd or 3rd wives admittedly. Never thought about shitting on my own doorstep by sleeping with any of them!! It would be beyond batshit crazy if a wife either forbade a catch up or insisted on coming too. I’d feel really sad that her self-esteem was so low.

I remember thinking like that when people whispered about a couple of directors in our organisation who often had lunch together . I thought the whispers were mean and paranoid. Why can't they just be good friends.

Maybe they did just start out as friends but eventually both their marriages ended, and they are now a couple.

It's eroded a lot of respect people had for them as well. So it impacted them professionally too

Also, I find him outrageously gorgeous, but I don't imagine every single woman in the world does. And even if they do, well that's for him to deal with.

Personally I assume most women and indeed a lot of men find DP as gorgeous as I do - it's objectively true! - and so have simply had to accept that if I allow him to set foot outside the house, he will have to fend off hordes of people attracted to him.

I assume he thinks the same about me tbh.

The weirdest aspect of MN's sex-obsession is that most posters seem to think that finding someone else attractive will inevitably lead to acting on that. Have they never heard of self-control? Are they only friends with ugly people? I think most of my friends, male and female, are good-looking and well-groomed. Doesn't mean I want to jump their bones.

Great, that's one example. But have you never encountered two people who had lunch together and DIDN'T end up having sex?

There was a long thread last year very similar to this one, where the OP (woman, attached) was about to go out to dinner with an old friend (male, newly single, she didn't fancy him). One poster was adamant that it would be morally wrong and shameful, because they were bound to end up sliding under the tablecloth for a quick shag 😁

Obviously cheating. Divorce him immediately

Yes!

My husband went out for dinner and drinks with four women from his gym the other night. Probably looked like a pimp, but I trust him. It’s nice that other women feel safe and unthreatened around him. I used to regularly go for lunch with male colleagues before I became a SAHM, no biggie. He’s very sociable and basically a golden retriever and will befriend anyone.

You mentioned you’ve been feeling insecure a weird place lately, your reaction is probably down to that if you’ve had no reason to doubt your husband before.

Your feelings are important and he should not dismiss them. Tell him you are happy for him to meet her for a drink and you would be happier still if you went along, too, and perhaps you could all have lunch together.
His reaction to this suggestion should guide your response.

Your husband has always been faithful and trustworthy. He has a sociable personality and has also told you you have nothing to worry about.
From what I've read, I think you should keep trusting him on this one and I hope he will continue to be reassuring. But equally don't ignore your instincts if they tell you somethings up. The only thing that is a little odd I would say is that this friendship seems quite sudden but that's not a reason to assume it's anything more than platonic. Keep an ear out for any mentionitis and above all keep communication open and insist on transparency.

Yea, all male colleagues, not one single male colleague on your own, totally different

How would that work, considering shes already played her hand and told him she feels uncomfortable with him going

A tricky one with the rocky patch you've had. Book yourself a meal with a male friend, i find men are more interested in women who are interested in themselves rather than women who are healthy in ways that need to feel safe and loved.
To all those women who say you can ck tell him, sure you can't but you absolutely should be able to communicate deep things and set boundaries if the period is rought atm. It's your relationship, you decide it. 20 year are a decent amount of time to be able how someone functions beyond words. Your gut is everything

I believe it's totally valid to request your OH not go onto a 1:1 date with a new female friend, especially a younger single one.
A group work thing - yeah totally fine.
A pre existing, longstanding female friendship 1:1 - yeah totally fine.
But brand new friendship with single young women - nope.
Total recipe for disaster.
Anyone that thinks otherwise is being naive. It could be innocent but often it's how affairs start so why risk it.
He should respect you enough to not go if you ask him. Simple as that.
We all make compromises to make our relationships strong including actively resisting temptation. He doesn't NEED this new friendship with his colleague if it puts strain on the most important relationship in his life. If he feels he does, then something is already wrong.
I hope he can see this and honor his vows to make you feel loved, respected and protected.

Why not?

I just can’t get my head around this. My DH is a nurse ergo a larger proportion of his colleagues are female. I trust him implicitly and would dream of banning him or suggesting I go along. He’s had breakfast a few times with a couple. He’s asked if I want to meet them and come along. Some people are untrustworthy but the this comes down to whether you trust him or not.

It is clearly a date. You are not the man here so you have none what is going through his head

Your opinion that those who feel the op is well within her rights to feel concerned are all
paranoid is incredibly insulting. Affairs DO start this way. Just because this in not your experience does not mean it doesn’t happen. The op is well within her rights to feel concerned about it. Maybe you are just naive?

The key point that came out of the OP's post is "low self esteem". This can influence people into believing that any meeting of their partner with someone of the opposite sex must constitute a risk that person will steal their partner from them. Ironically, in some cases the reaction caused by the low self esteem can result in the thing they are frightened of, i.e. their partner does go off with someone else because they are sick of the drama and suspicion. Yet another example of where logic needs to be used to override emotion.

OP please ignore those who claim they would be cool with it. Yet they wouldn’t be so cool if it happened to them. Why would he want to meet her for a drink or lunch if he sees this woman in work or when he gives a lift to her. He can talk to her then. Why do it outside if work? I’ve asked my husband his opinion and he said the OP has every right to be concerned as it sounded like a date to him. And it sounds like a date to me. Your husband should be putting your mind at rest by not going because you should be his priority and not his work colleague.