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Original poster

Is my husband disrespecting me?

119 replies

Sdfgg123 · 19/12/2024 10:56

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

OP posts:
Alalalala · 19/12/2024 10:57

Yes he’s repulsively sexist and controlling. It’s not normal and it’s not ok.

Christmaslover1986 · 19/12/2024 11:00

That’s a disgusting comment to make. You’re a team. He doesn’t get the final say over you because you’re a SAHM and he works. This screams “I think I’m more superior than you and I get the final say”

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 19/12/2024 11:01

He is a twat!

I am afraid those comments would be enough for me to start putting my ducks in order and leaving him.

Does he have any redeeming features?

GoldsolesLugs · 19/12/2024 11:02

If it walks like a wanker and er quacks like a wanker... I think you already know OP - you've married a massive prick.

apostrophewoman · 19/12/2024 11:03

Yes, he's being disrespectful and patronising and controlling and diminishing you and your opinions. What would happen if you went back to work - would you be allowed an equal say then? What happened before you had children and were a SAHM? You're clearly a second class citizen. He sounds awful.

Halfemptyhalfling · 19/12/2024 11:05

If you are sahm then you spend much more time at home so you should rule. Also more efficient for him if house suits you as you will get on with things better.

If money is a massive criteria for him I would get yourself back to work asap. As you have a PhD lots of universities have flexible hybrid jobs so you could look at universities further away not just the local ones. Lots of universities are making cuts though so you might have to try something else. If he is at home you could do an evening job. Once you have an income it's easier to leave him if needed

DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/12/2024 11:05

What a stupid comment. Does he have any experience in interior design, space planning, or graphic design that means his opinion is more informed than yours? There is a host of things I know little about but I can still have an opinion on the paint colour for the living room.

He may be paying for everything but it is still your home and you both should have a say in how it is furnished and decorated.

Birch101 · 19/12/2024 11:06

Yeah please do not bring up your children to think that is normal or respectful. Wonder what his upbringing was like

I'd ask him his opinion on everything.....in the supermarket what toilet roll should we get, at the petrol station how much to fill up, literally overload him with every decision as obviously your opinion means nothing and then ask if he wants a divorce or counseling

GoldsolesLugs · 19/12/2024 11:20

Halfemptyhalfling · 19/12/2024 11:05

If you are sahm then you spend much more time at home so you should rule. Also more efficient for him if house suits you as you will get on with things better.

If money is a massive criteria for him I would get yourself back to work asap. As you have a PhD lots of universities have flexible hybrid jobs so you could look at universities further away not just the local ones. Lots of universities are making cuts though so you might have to try something else. If he is at home you could do an evening job. Once you have an income it's easier to leave him if needed

He's a dick but I don't agree that she should "rule the home". I think it should be 50:50 agreements with compromise if possible. If you want to be transactional about it, OP could estimate how much she would be earning in the career that she would have had if they'd both continued to work (might be quite a bit depending on what subject the Phd's in), then they could decide things in ratio to their respective earnings.

This is obviously silly, though and it's much better to just try to agree - e.g. you both choose different rooms, agree to put up with some things you don't like etc.

Comtesse · 19/12/2024 11:22

He does not get the deciding vote just cos he has the job.

rumred · 19/12/2024 11:24

Misogynist and overbearing. Not good. He seems to think he's your superior which is really not good.

Divebar2021 · 19/12/2024 11:37

My DH and I don’t always agree on decor so there are time when we have to rethink and come up with a compromise. If he ever tried to insinuate that he should have more of a say because he earned more than me I’d laugh in his face. ( he wouldn’t because he’s not a dick )

Eyresandgraces · 19/12/2024 11:39

Get back in the workplace.
One day you’re going to leave, you need to be ready.

Rubberducksallround · 19/12/2024 11:42

What a pathetic insecure individual he sounds.
I'm the breadwinner in my family, I earn triple what my husband does, and I don't think for a single second that makes me more entitled to any decisions about our family or our home. His is stance is not normal.

Hyperbowl · 19/12/2024 11:44

Eyresandgraces · 19/12/2024 11:39

Get back in the workplace.
One day you’re going to leave, you need to be ready.

Sorry but this. Go back to work and see how he likes to do his share of the grunt work with the household and the children. Why should you be unpaid childcare for him to advance his career when yours isn’t? They may be your children too but they’re equally his but your career is suffering whilst his isn’t. That’s not equality. If you divorced him you’d be entitled to half his assets and he couldn’t do fuck all about it so I’d remind him of that next time he wants to overrule your decisions. I’d be telling him that if he didn’t respect my half of the decisions I’ll take half the house and make my own decisions what to do with the money I get from it. No one would be gate keeping the decisions made in my house regardless of who the main breadwinner was. Absolute cheek of him! This isn’t the 1950’s, financially protect yourself and push back at his misogyny.

stripypanda100 · 19/12/2024 11:45

Sdfgg123 · 19/12/2024 10:56

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

Ok so if he's the breadwinner start charging him wages for bringing up BOTH your children... you would be working if it wasn't for caring for them... total misogynistic pig... should be 50/50 for everything

Porkyporkchop · 19/12/2024 11:45

He feels inadequate to you academically and is trying to crush you with his breadwinner status. Stop allowing this. Tell him frankly. Being a SAHP is for the good of your children and bank balance - it doesn’t cause brain damage. He is clearly a moron.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/12/2024 11:47

He doesn’t respect you, so it’s probably best if you go back to work and plan for a future without his support.
He’s only going to get worse.

Wallywobbles · 19/12/2024 11:55

He's negging you. You are clearly more intellectually accomplished than him, so he's putting you in your place so he feels better. If I were you, I'd tell him this, just so he can be aware what a cunt he is.

MamaBinturong · 19/12/2024 12:16

By his warped logic surely you get the final say on decisions to do with the kids, if you're the one at home with them? (Also I'm weeping for your dining table 😩)

StopStartStop · 19/12/2024 12:21

Hmm. Plan your escape, and have it ready.

MyPithyPoster · 19/12/2024 12:22

I can’t imagine being with a man who would give a flying fuck about such things. Does he not have a big important job that takes up all of these big important brain space?

healthybychristmas · 19/12/2024 12:44

I just can't see how women live like this. You are a very intelligent woman but you are living with an idiot who treats you like a child who has to be constantly controlled. Get your ducks in a row, get back to work and get rid of that idiot.

healthybychristmas · 19/12/2024 12:45

It's not uncommon for inadequate man to punish their partners for being brighter than they are.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 19/12/2024 14:13

Sounds like he has a superiority complex. He's deep down intimidated by your intellect. Pathetic really.