Is my husband disrespecting me?

[Sdfgg123]

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

Sorry but this is probably the worst thing to do. If he hears that he'd be running to hide assets asap and have all that time to prepare.

What a horrible man. My exdh was like this.Called me stupid ..I don't think..I'm half downs syndrome etc.
Then acted incredulous when I wanted a divorce.

he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner

well it is an ordinary sentiment for sexist arseholes, which is why you should never get yourself financially dependent on one. did he not show any signs of this twattishness when you were deciding to be a SAHM? maybe not having joint finances should have been a sign. either way, it's clear as day now that he's got no respect for you or appreciation and understanding of mothers/women's lot in general so don't be relying on him and get yourself back breadwinning again - and absolutely do not be drawn into the 'women's salary must cover the childcare costs or it's not worth it' bullshit line of thinking. if you're not a team, there's always going to be problems and ignoring them doesn't make them go.

This is so concerning. The fact you are not working and have no access to family funds is financial abuse imo. I would be very seriously considering getting back into work and leaving this man.

When a couple chooses for one parent to stay home and the other work, the non-working parent is facilitating their ability to progress in their careers, saving thousands on childcare etc, and often taking in the majority of the mental, emotional and domestic labour of the household. The money that the working partner earns is family money. Thinking anything else is just plain wrong and completely dismissive of the partnership and agreement of roles that have been taken on.

He thinks he is more important than you, pretty much because he is man. That's disgusting that he doesn't see you as an equal partner. And an absolutely disgusting comment that there are 'lots of things you know nothing about'. How is he more qualified to make decisions on interior decorating? Or in matters of opinion? Why does he not think compromise is healthy in a relationship? Since youre in charge of the children, does that mean you have final say there and can get away with comments about how he doesn't know what he is talking about in relation to opinions about his own kids?

In any case I think I'd be going back to work. Because he clearly doesn't respect you when you're not working. And one day it's likely you'll have enough of his misogynistic attitude (I can guarantee this won't be the only example) that you'll now start noticing more and more, and it will give you lots more options and make you less trapped if you have a job

Sorry OP, you threw away "a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself" on his say-so? Hindshight is 20-20 but better not to have moved in with him at all.

he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances).

That's not how it worked even in the 1950s. To over-simplify, the men earned and the women budgeted and shopped. Decent men respected women's ability to manage the budget.

Being with him has has messed with your head. I know men who always sound as if they know everything, who honestly believe they know everything, even if they change their minds five minutes later. My family was full of women who knew to ignore all that and to do what we know is right. The way we did/do it is by having very separate areas of authority. Kitchen stuff, women's business. Children's education, women's business. Family car, man's business. Wage-earning, man's buiness (though women help in all sorts of ways) Home decor and funishings, women's business. The man gets to state an opinion but in the end the women decide.

But if you are used to shared authority and overlap and compromise in most apsects of life - which most of us do nowadays - then you can't afford to stay married to this kind of man.

And in my family women's work and decisions in the home have always been respected, as has the need for women to work outside the home. You are being massively disrepected.

This is not the man to be a SAHM with.. I’d go get a job and then think carefully about the future.

Yet another marriage that isn’t a partnership. Why do people get in these situations?

The best thing for you to do is to give him the taste of his own medicine - you should start out-earning him. You say you are better educated than he is, so put the boot on the other foot, as they say, and and out-earn him. And then start behaving like he does. Show the misogynist pig what it feels like.

You have a phd and you are in your 30s… what are you doing as a SAHM???? Get a job, send the kids to nursery, get a cleaner and have a life. He obviously feels superior and years of staying at home will totally lose your self esteem. Kids will starting behaving like him and treat you like trash, before you know the leave to uni and you are just there feeling zero worth. Of course this is if you don’t divorce, which with such an asshole I find it hard to believe.. then if he has not big assets you will end up very poor, going back to a good job in your mid 40s or 50s is very hard while he will be earning very well.
please put yourself first as even the kids will suffer to see their mum so much diminished, especially if you have girls.

Absolutely 💯 this!!!!

Yes it’s serious. You need to leave until he sorts himself out.

Tell him that the going rate for nannies with a PhD is [however much he earns] and that you’ll be making all the decisions unilaterally from now on.

I agree with this. You need to go back to work.

I’d be looking to go back to work. The spiteful part of me would be looking to try and earn more than him too.

He can then also pay for childcare and take time off when the kids are ill.

This would seriously have me doubting if I’d want to be with him.

When a couple chooses for one parent to stay home and the other work - sometimes it is the case that the stay-at-home parent simply can't earn - my niece has a PhD in social sciences, she is unemployable. Well, she is employable on a minimum wage, but nowhere near the level she thinks she is entitled to (private school for her children, nice house, holidays abroad). So it is all provided for her by a misogynistic pig of a husband who works 2 hours away from the house and is expected to be a hands-on parent as expected.

Interestingly, when I said on one of the threads that I am the main breadwinner and I do all the house chores as well, I was told that I need to chuck him and not continue to put up with a shitty partner, nobody said that sahd should be afforded respect for being a sahd.

Whose decision was it for you to be a SAHM? Sounds like some resentment building up there. I suggest you get back out to work ASAP.

So sorry to say this but I think you’re disrespecting yourself. Don’t put yourself in the position where you have no income of your own - you should always have some financial independence, even as a mum. Don’t be that woman. Don’t give away your things to move in with him. Don’t get yourself into a situation where you are subordinate to a partner - not a recipe for a long relationship (especially with children). I don’t think he sound controlling but I do think you sound like a bit of door mat (it’s irrelevant if you have a phd if you put yourself in a situation where you’re a stay at home mum and no joint finances). Maybe you’ve created this situation yourself?

This! How did an intelligent woman with a PhD end up with such a pig?! He doesn't want a partner, he wants someone he can control who won't step out of line.

I had one like this and in the middle of it I didn't see that he was jealous of me. You are a highly educated intelligent woman and instead of being proud of you he feels insecure so he has to pull you down. Life is too short for everything to be a discussion or argument and it will chip away at your confidence.

Get back to work as soon as possible. Let him pick and pay for everything extra and squirrel as much as you can away.

He is a turd of the lowest order! Time to pull on your Big Girl Pants lady and stand up for yourself!

Why are you a SAHM putting up with this shit when you have a PHD. Go get a job and start earning your own money. Stop taking his shit.

He sounds like he has a complex because you're more intelligent than him and he feels threatened songes trying to control everything.

I'm not defending his behaviour at all, he's an utter arse wipe and I'd whole-heartedly agree that OP's education level makes him feel threatened, but education level doesn't always equal intelligence, does it? I wonder if this sort of talk (I have a Phd, so I'm more intelligent than you) has somewhat bred some of this resentment?

Lauding your 'intelligence' over someone else is pretty horrible in itself.

Whatever, it's toxic and being at mercy of this man is certainly not an 'intelligent' move.

It's not worrying that he wants input. That's normal. It's not worrying that you have different taste.

What's concerning here is that he is telling you that he knows better than you, implying that your choices are somehow lesser or uneducated or inferior and that you need him to set you on the right path.

Another 10 years of this and you won't be able to choose a basic t-shirt, OP, because you'll have no confidence in your own judgement.

You are in early stage coercive control.

Intelligence can’t be measured by qualifications alone but in this situation the husband obviously feels threatened by the OP’s qualifications. Her Phd makes him feel less of a man so he reacts by behaving like an abusive controlling arsehole.
It’s unlikely OP has bragged about her intelligence to him.
Women who are highly educated are not immune to falling victim to abuse of this sort. Upbringing and role models play a huge part.

This is another reason you need to get away from him,OP because your children will see his treatment of you as normal. If you have girls, they will normalise this and it may happen to them. Your son/s will think it’s normal to treat women like this. You need to protect your children from him.