Is my husband disrespecting me?

[Sdfgg123]

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

It's time to go back to work and start secretly hiding some money away from him, so you can make plans to leave him.

You went as far as getting a PhD and then gave it up to raise children for this horrible man.

Time for a reality check and some big changes I think

This man is a psychopath, a complete control freak and you need to get out NOW!

This is not how it works with these men. Evan if she goes back to work, outearn him and work 15 hours a day, he would always let her do all the childcare, mental load, organising, while he always be downplaying her. This is how these types of men are. That’s why she probably chose to be a sham, deep down she knows the alternative is the same just working double of what she is doing with all the stress of an unpaid job. But this is a short term win, while it seems practically easier in the long term her self esteem will rock bottom and if a divorce happens she will be highly disadvantaged. So really going to work and do everything is winning on the long term.

This is the most accurate response in the entire thread.

I don't work because i don't trust him to relieve me of any household or childcare duties if I did, and I'd be expected to contribute at least 50% of the family finances while still not being being able to contribute to any major decisions re the family and our future. Deep down I fear this (/know this). Being a SAHM does seem like the better alternative for myself and my children for now.

I'm taking on board everything being suggested and I'm very grateful for your responses this Christmas Day.

Goodness. Why did you marry him and have children with him?

If that's the nature of your relationship then you start planning your escape. That's not a life.
I am speaking as some who has been there, done that, got the t shirt and is so glad I went back to work, saved up and got out

You won't be disadvantaged if you split. You will get half, minimum.

He's obviously jealous of your superior formation. He feels intimidated and finds that belitteling you builds him up. Very ugly stuff. Hard (if not impossible) to overcome. I'm sorry.

I really know how it feels and I met so many men like that. Although it seems the easiest thing for your life be really careful, one day he might turn around he found someone else and just leave, no matter how hard you worked at home, how a great mother you have been, how much you have sacrificed. If he has loads of assets so you can get 50% it is fine. Or if you have wealth. If you have not and If he has just a very good income and no assets and your house is mortgaged, you won’t get anything. A very small monthly that won’t cover the kids needs. (You think will be generous as they are his kids but the fact you have no joint finances shows you he will not and he will try to dominate you as he is doing now with the only power he will have, money). You need to go back to work and get financial independent, even if it’s a part time you can can ramp up when needed, it is very tough as you will have to work on top of everything else and he will downplay your job, how little you earn and you contribute, how you are taking time off your kids and being a bad mum. But it won’t be ever as hard as being a single mum with little income and a shitty job, fighting with him at any step to get the minimum for your kids.

Read up on Coercive control because it reads as if you are a victim of a very slowly boiled frog insidious version of it.

Please talk to Women's aid with the intention of getting legal advice.

This is a very bad man.

Why did you marry him?

How dare he speak to you like that. Just because he is the main breadwinner atm it does not give him the right to look down on you.. and give these passive aggressive and sexist comments. He is probably jealous of you. You have demonstrated that you are very intelligent. I really hope you stand your ground here because this has the potential to lead to more disrespect. It's both of your home snd you should have input in the decor. This sounds more like him trying to use being a male as a way to talk down to you and call all the shots. This is not what a healthy marriage is about. There are some things you know very little about..How bloody dare he talk to you like that.

Me too... Its very sad. It seems like the real reason for the way he spoke to you is because in his eyes you are beneath him.

I honestly think this is why alot of families are breaking up.. People have uneasonable expectations of their partners and insult them and put them down. Alot of narcissistic and mysoginistic behaviour going on which people often reveal only after a marriage, a new baby, buying a home etc. basically when they think you're stuck with them. In the end people can only put up with so much disrespect before they have to leave for the sake of their own mental health.

He sounds like a complete dick, and if you ever have to ask the question “is my husband disrespecting me?” Then the answer is probably yes. My ex used to be like this because he went to Uni, he studied Geology FFS one of the biggest well known doss’s of a course and now he’s a Mortgage Advisor so not sure what makes him think he’s any better than me 🤣

Think he is amazingly insecure and very low on self esteem but this does and should not act as validation for his rude and unacceptable remarks.

Not sure why geology is a bad course of study. It would be dosses, not doss’s. Education is beneficial in and of itself.

he sounds awful- how is the relationship generally? I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that x

It’s unlikely OP has bragged about her intelligence to him.

Why is it? We don't know the OP from Adam. How cany you possibly know that? She makes the point of mentioning her Phd in her opening post!

Sorry, OP, I'm not saying that this is the case, I'm just pointing out that we don't know the other side of this argument.

He may be paying for everything but it is still your home and you both should have a say in how it is furnished and decorated.

Agreed.
I think you're being OTT to think he's calling you stupid, but he is saying he knows better than you on interior design which is...well...stupid as it's just a matter of opinion!
If he's going ro keep "pulling rank" on you cis you don't work, then as a PP says maybe you should considerate P/T job that uses tour qualification.