Is my husband disrespecting me?

[Sdfgg123]

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

Urgh. Presumably you’ve agreed together that you should be a stay at home mum? Remind him on a regular basis of how much you are saving the family on childcare. This isn’t a partnership and unless he has a major attitude adjustment I’d be out the door.

He's putting you down because secretly he knows he's inferior to you, so he's trying to diminish you and make you doubt yourself. Lots of men do this to smart women. I left my ex husband for being like this. I would think seriously about whether you want a relationship with a man who constantly belittles you.

He sounds controlling and dismissive. I wouldn't expect him to have your best interests in the relationship or out of it.

If you havnt already I'd be looking at ways of making and saving your own money in case you need it when you decide you want to walk away from this.

I don’t know how old your children are, but if there’s any way possible, then go back to work asap. I’m not suggesting you LTB now, but one day you might find yourself in that position, and you will need your ducks in a row.
Trust me, I wish that I had taken note of similar incidents.

HRTFT but he's a disrespectful prick. Show him this thread, then leave.

I'm a sahm too...also with far more education than my husband. We made this decision as we earned similar and tbh I have far greater patience with the kids and ability domestically, in terms of organising & managing finances etc. We have equal access to finances, I spend what I like (not a spend thrift), make most of the family decisions and just run it by my hubby for consensus. He thanks me frequently for being the glue that holds everything together allowing him the freedom to grow his career (a couple of years from management); whilst having a happy and nurtured well run home home.

Without this sharing, complete trust, appreciation for the sacrifices I have made for the greater family good in terms of my own career; I would be deeply unhappy and it would be over between us. Your husband sounds very controlling and demeaning; your career is gone for now (and any development you may of benefitted from in this time) and he is deriding your choices in even the most basic of things. When you compare who you were before being a sahm I suspect you don't recognise yourself...and I think a lot of that is the probably the way hubby treats you. Whilst I feel a big part of me has diminished to support hubby and kids in the years I am a sahm; I am appreciated and elevated at every turn and know as my kids grow...I will grow into my independence and Career again; as the old me is still there; just prioritising others currently in all things. I wonder if you feel that way? And if you don't you are not getting what you need.

I have a couple of friends that are in similar set ups to you and are talking separation. I think you need to tell your husband how it is and your not willing to accept it any longer. Without addressing this you will over time loose parts of yourself or leave him...or both. If you want to save both you need to be honest with him and tell him he has to change and set boundaries. Good luck OP 🍀 ❤️

JFC. Marriage is one pot. You're a team. He's bringing in the money and you carried, birthed, and are raising the children. Present him with an itemised bill with exactly what it would have cost him to do IVF with a surrogate times the number of children you have, and how much it would cost for 24-hour childcare, a chef, a cleaning service, and an admin assistant. Absolute arsehole. Who are these men who think that the money they earn when they have a SAHM and kids ISN'T all in the marital pot??

At best, he's not a team with you. At worst, he has the same mindset as an abusive man, which is that women are inferior to him.

Having a PhD doesn't necessarily mean you have good taste or any common sense. Just saying......

A thousand upvotes.

I’m a sahm but there is absolutely no way I would do this if my dh treated me like this. Mutual respect is absolutely crucial. It can work brilliantly but it needs to be a partnership of equals.

Obviously all relationships should ideally be a partnership of equals. But life isn’t always ideal. In the 21st century you have the opportunity to safeguard yourself, earn independently and keep your options open. Being a sahm puts your financial future at risk, and that of your dc. Think very carefully op.

You knew all this BEFORE you moved in with him and yet you moved in with him and NOW you're surprised he's a total cunt?

She has HER taste, not his. Who's to say HIS taste is good?

However a PhD clearly means she doesn't make good choices in partner (imo)

Do you walk 5 paces behind him as well?

You need to get a job and start looking to LTB.

Is he Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen or something?

Yes he is disrespecting you and IMO the women usually get the final say about decor etc. Because most men just do not care about those things.

He's an arse love.

I don’t think I would be wanting to buy a home with him. In my situation, I am the ‘breadwinner’ and the one with far better finances as my other half is terrible with money so we also don’t have any joint finances. My name is the only one on the mortgage at the moment and other finance agreements for the house, however we jointly agreed what house to buy and what to do in regards to renovating and decorating it because it’s his home too. His opinions don’t overrule mine even though I’m more willing to compromise than him but that’s just my nature but he does think over things and doesn’t make me have things his way just because he’s the man.

He is a gold digger - using your unpaid labour to enable him to get paid.

Yeah, this.

Deep down he feels inferior to you and he gets kicks out of controlling you.

Get back to work OP. Don’t ask for his permission, just do it and tell him he has to pay 50/50 for a child minder. Paying for childcare should not be your responsibility alone.
His career and pension are advancing because he has you looking after his kids.
Aim to dump him and claim half his asserts. He sounds awful and it won’t get any better.

Yes it is an over simplification but my point was it they are married assets and income are joint regardless of his attitude. But as I said I think she needs to get a job so she can plan an exit out for herself her child as he is an arsehole.

This guy is living in the 1920s

Get back in the workplace.
One day you’re going to leave, you need to be ready

100% this.

Of course it is.

Silly you moving in with suchba big.
Silly you marrying him.
Very very silly you having children and becoming a SAHM.
Wake up and get back to work.
You have a Phd.
I suggest you educate yourself in what an a controlling relationship with a sexist prick looks like.
Cos you are in one.

He sounds like he has a complex because you're more intelligent than him and he feels threatened songes trying to control everything. It sounds like the red flag was flying high before you moved in together and now things happened.

If your intention is to stay with him you need to go back to square 1 and lay down some rules your end. He is controlling you.

You need to get a job because you need to leave this arsehole. For the love of Christ do not buy a house with him.

In my view someone should only be a SAH parent if these two conditions are met

1 Joint finances with complete transparency and equal levels of control of same.

2 complete respect between partners that the roles played by each are of the same importance to the running of the family.

It does not seem that your situation meets either of these conditions and therefore you are in a very vulnerable position. You are intelligent enough that you don’t need me spelling this out any further. You must take a look at how your family is set up and consider your next move. I think you will regret not making changes now.

Agree with this.
My hubby is more educated than me (only just but anyway) and I am the "breadwinner" - hate that term. What h does at home with the kids is worth mountains of gold to me and my job. We discuss everything around the house, don't always agree but come to a compromise. If it was something for the house, I'd now to his opinion if he felt strongly about it, as he's there more than me!
Regardless of the above, no-one should use the phrase it's my money so I get the final say. It's obscene and degrading. No doesn't respect you, he's frightened of your intelligence. Good luck