Is my husband disrespecting me?

[Sdfgg123]

We were discussing houses last night. Just sharing some online listings and in the process commenting on the internal decor. We have very different tastes when it comes to decoration and furnishings. I mentioned this to him and we laughed it off. But he then suggested that regardless of my opinion, he'd always have the final say because he's the one paying (for the house, furniture etc, I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances). I told him this was a disgusting comment but he persisted in claiming it was an ordinary sentiment for him to make as the breadwinner. I then asked him why he must hold an opinion on everything- house stuff, how the kids dress, just literally everything- he always seems to know better than me about everything. I mentioned how I'd thrown away furniture before moving in wth him because he'd refused to have it in the house (one was a gorgeous solid wood dining table I upcyled myself). Also reminded him about an argument he initiated about our bedroom curtains (again before we moved in together). He then responds to say that it's because there are some things I know very little about. He didn't take this comment back and instead kept commenting on how there's a lot I don't know about.

He's calling me stupid isn't he? Not that it matters much but I'm more educated than him (I have a PhD), and I'm in my mid 30s. I just exploded at the last comment he made and he's making out that I'm not normal as a result.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Did I overreact?

Lol - agreed he sounds like a quacking, wankering prick.

Can you get back into the workplace ASAP?

It’s just a chosen area where he can exert control. I doubt he really gives a flying fig about the curtains.

What he cares about is making OP feel small and himself bigger in the process.

You're a SAHM and you don't have shared finances? That's unacceptable for a start, let alone his comments.

Bill him for the childcare you're saving if he wants to be like that.

Why did you marry him? It doesn't sound as though he was ever especially kind and always considered himself more important. Could you live with it because of other redeeming features, did you ignore it or are you just finding the behaviour more frustrating now? I'm curious. It's not too late to track stock of what you want.

He must feel like he's lucked out to have secured a wallflower wife who will tolerate his sexist attitudes. OP I'm so sorry, he's being grossly unfair and wonder if the real friction will begin when you start working again, I don't think he'll be willing to relinquish control so easily as he seems to think you've accepted it

And also very much this

I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances
So are you self supporting? In which case he's not paying for everything at all.

Anyway, irrespective of that - what a prick. I mean, unless you're actually constructing them, what's the big secret he knows about curtains? Weird flex.

He's acting like your parent 'my house my rules' not your partner & nobody wants to be ina relationship with their Dad 🤢

Sounds like he's always been a bit like this though. Not sure how you've let it slide - it should have been hashed out when he refused to let you move your stuff in without his seal of approval.

Perhaps you could go in strike. He can pay for childcare/cleaner/chef etc.

Agree with this.

Yep, 100%
Hes a knob.

But this comment, and the subsequent comments have absolutely nothing to do with interior design, furnishing or decoration.. By saying these things he is reminding OP that he is the breadwinner, he is putting her firmly in her place, reminding her that she depends on him and doesn’t really have anything to say.

OP, talking with some experience, he will always be like this. He will take every opportunity to remind that you should be grateful and subservient to him, for „”putting food on the table” (such an utterly stupid term). You are young, and have these incredible qualifications, you can create your own financial stability and control over all the decisions that you want to make. You need to protect yourself and your child. He’s showing you exactly who he is, and if things stay this way, he will be a lot worse in the future.

yes a very normal opinion. For the 1950s!

Hes basically saying he sees you as lesser and not his equal because you don’t earn money. And he’s now doubling down on it.

Question is, what are you prepared to do?

I’d be looking for a job and reducing the amount of things I do for him / around the house!

I think you need a formulate an escape plan, dude has no respect for you!

Yes this. He doesn’t seem to realise you would be awarded half in a divorce. I would aim the change the SAHM situation as it leaves you vulnerable to his dictates! Arsehole I hate men like this (but I don t think all men are like this)

Sounds extremely controlling to me

Hmm....so he's the "breadwinner"'...you've got a Neanderthal I'm afraid, Unless he's taught to think differently this attitude may well.pass on to your children.
I've always believed in never holding out my hand to a man for anything. Yes, I'm married - first relationship 20 years, this current one 30 years.
You need a job and he needs to experience looking after the house and children in a hands on capacity.
I hope you already have your own pension in place.

He's trying to tell you he's sleeping woth someone else.

He's disgusting and I'd agree that he doesnt like you being more educated than him, but:

I'm a SAHM and we don't have joint finances)

This doesn't sound like a very bright idea, does it - espeically given his attitude?!

My husband earns more money than me, I work part-time, whereas he's full-time. However, all household purchases are discussed, and agreed together. We are a team, we work together because that's what being in a relationship is about. Before I went back to work part-time after having our son, there's no way in a million years my husband would have insisted on having the final say because he's paying!!! No one knows everything. Your taste is different to his, and his different to yours. There's nothing wrong in that, but compromise is the only way forward. Your husband is being unreasonable, and it's controlling, as well as sexist.

He sounds narcissistic.

Sexist, misogynist prick. Dump him, he won't change.

I'd start looking for a job. This doesn't sound like a healthy person to be reliant on.

Find a job and start planning your route out of there.

If hes like that about his money now it will be worsr when you split

Unfortunately hugely imbalanced earnings can create these power dynamics. And they are made worse if the person with the cash /power exploits their position

I just find it so sad that we are nearly in 2025, and there are still so many men, who seem to think that their wives, girlfriends, mothers and sisters are somehow lesser beings, not worthy of their respect or even politeness.
That old word chattel seems to sum up how these men perceive the women in their lives, and it does make me angry. For some it is almost as if their mindset is set way back in Victorian times, when women counted for very little.
Apologies, rant over.

Half of what?
There's no guarantee of anyone being awarded half of anything. That's a huge oversimplification.
Women shouldn't assume this is how it will work.

Just re read your opening post. You had red flags waving madly before you even moved in.

My H has some fairly (in my opinion) awful bits of furniture but there's no way I would have made him chuck them out when we moved in together as he liked them a lot