Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

[Boots4me]

For the past few years there has been a great deal of friction between my family and a set of cousins. The conflict started with our respective parents but soon spread and we've not on speaking terms for years.

During this time I asked my husband and in-laws to keep their distance from them.

However, relationships between us have improved, and I, along with my husband, have been to their home several times this year.

My husband became very agitated when I told him I was planning on inviting them to a party we are hosting because of his parents' reaction - they will also be attending.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Our argument has escalated. He has made it clear he won't attend if they are invited, despite visiting them with me several times, because of his father's reaction.

It will look terrible if I don't invite my cousins as they will be offended when they find out, and they will find out. I feel my husband should be supporting me and not issuing demands because of his father.

Your husband has supported you for years, not he's asking you to support him. So support him

So to be clear, demands are only okay in your relationship when you are the one making them? You’re being very unreasonable.

I admit I made a mistake, and I shouldn't have involved them.

So, what you do is tell your cousins why you can't invite them and hope they understand.

It doesn’t matter what you admit now. You made the demand, they followed it to support you, now you have to support them back. The fact is you did involve them and so they are rightfully taking their own stance now.

Cancel your party, either by bringing honest or saying you’ve got d&v

What a load of childish and immature nonsense.

Not only telling your DH who he can and can't talk to but extending this to his parents (were you and your DH not embarrassed to even ask them not to talk to members of your family??)

I must admit I am very curious as to why you can't just tell your FIL it's all sorted now and you all behave like adults. He sounds as bad as the rest of you!

No-one is being reasonable in this scenario. There's not a grown-up amongst you.

Wow op. That’s not ok. As a pp said you can’t do that, then declare it’s a mistake and demand your husband doesn’t do the same and supports you even more, at what point does he matter?

Agree with this completely.

This isn’t a reasonable/nreasonable issue. Your dh is reacting a lot to hos parents perceived shame and embarrassment caused by having had to socially ostracize people for your family’s benefit.

If i were you i would call my FIL directly and apologize to him profusely and ask if, now that things are on a good footing, he would be willing to come when your cousins are present. Explain that this is all part of ypur attempt to mend fences, importance of family, and again all your apologies for ever having foolishly involved them

I agree with @pikkumyy77 you need to eat a little humble pie and be the one to build bridges with his parents.

This. If I was you DH I'd be furious.

So now you've changed your mind your DH and PIL should just fall into line?

It doesn't work like that, they need time to come to terms with what has happened. Did you make full and unreserved apologies to them and promise to never involve them again? Always good for starters

We've never taken sides in our in laws disputes with their own families which has served us well, when they make up again. I can't be doing with the drama to be honest after enduring my own mother's for many years.

So you think that when you say jump, they should say how high.

You made the mistake, these are the consequences. You can't turn people's reactions on and off at will. Don't invite them.

But you did involve them. Your DH has supported you and now in return he’s asking for your support…. So give it! Surely your DH feelings are more important than your cousins?

Are you willing to do that, OP?

Because if not, I think you need to cancel the party.

Oh dear god.

All this drama sounds so unnecessary, unless there’s a serious backstory.

Why would your in-laws have had any contact or involvement with your cousins in the first place? What was the need to involve them in the drama initially?

Saying that, I don’t blame your DH with not wanting them to attend. He’ll probably feel awkward around them after being told previously to keep a distance from them.

I think the only solution would be to cancel the party, so that no one is offended.

Are your in-laws related to these cousins too - or do you all live in a very small hamlet?
TBH I would have no clue who were my in-laws cousins unless someone told me.
Would your in-laws even know or care about these cousins?

It's a really bad idea to involve other people in your disputes, as you probably realise now. You are not in charge of how everyone relates to everyone else and can't tell them to change track when your feelings change.

Your choice now is to invite the cousins to this party knowing that your husband and FIL will (understandably) be angry, or not invite the cousins and risk offending them.

Since FIL has already been invited, you could have the cousins for dinner a week or so before party, and explain that because of your silly behaviour in the past, your FIL is now feeling that he needs to keep his distance from them, so they're not invited to the party. And that you are sorry about that. At least things will be clear.

Aren't you a little young to be married?