Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

[Boots4me]

For the past few years there has been a great deal of friction between my family and a set of cousins. The conflict started with our respective parents but soon spread and we've not on speaking terms for years.

During this time I asked my husband and in-laws to keep their distance from them.

However, relationships between us have improved, and I, along with my husband, have been to their home several times this year.

My husband became very agitated when I told him I was planning on inviting them to a party we are hosting because of his parents' reaction - they will also be attending.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Our argument has escalated. He has made it clear he won't attend if they are invited, despite visiting them with me several times, because of his father's reaction.

It will look terrible if I don't invite my cousins as they will be offended when they find out, and they will find out. I feel my husband should be supporting me and not issuing demands because of his father.

As pp have said, why would the cousins and your in-aws have come into contact with each other?
And why couldn't your inlaws be civil to them, assuming it was just passing them in the street? Or was it something more intimate?

All very odd.

Ooft. As you say, definitely a mistake to involve your in-laws in this! It has put your DH in a horrible position and he is essentially choosing to preserve his relationship with his parents over the relationship with your cousins, which is reasonable.

I think your options are:

1. Cancel the party and let more water pass under the bridge before trying again
2. meet up with your in laws to apologise for involving them, explain that things have moved on and you’re all trying to build bridges and make amends, and ask if they’d be willing to attend despite the previous awkwardness
3. disinvite the cousins and explain you’ve got yourself into an awkward situation with your in laws which you’re trying to resolve but won’t have before the date of the party
4. invite your cousins and accept that your in laws and DH won’t attend

There isn’t a magic solution where everyone behaves exactly as you want, so decide what the best option is from that list and proceed accordingly!

He knows full well you and your family are drama llamas and wants to shield his family from that shit. He is completely reasonable and you owe it to him to do what he wants.

You haven't said what your FIL reaction would be, can you clarify? It is super odd that you involved them but it is also super odd that they give a shit about your cousins at all.

I do think you made your bed so now you have to lie in it.

First I would never bring anyone into a personal dispute I've had not even my hubby. Second I've only ever had one with a family member years ago and as soon as we sorted it done,dusted happily moved on. If you can't sort your own stuff as an adult then don't start anything is the best option. But here you've involved to many people which is so wrong, you need to go and personally apologise to all, say it's fixed and move on

I don't understand why you had to tell your DH and his parents to keep away from your cousins. Where they ever likely to meet?

What's the actual set up here?

Do you live in a very small town, or your inlaws and cousins run in the same circle, or loosely related?

How exactly are they connected that you had to demand they also go no contact? Most people would leave at "be civil,say hello in the street, but don't give any details about our lives/families."

If they're somehow close enough to require direct action on the part of your in laws, I can see why your DH is pissed off now.

How do your in-laws even know your cousins?!

Not beyond the realms of possibility in large families and or in small communities.

< Insert Mary J. Blige - No More Drama >

This. Sounds like an odd set-up, but at the end of the day they are cousins and I'd support/side whatever you want to call it with my husband in this case.

And these are the consequences of that OP. You either support your husband now or you cancel the party. Sometimes you have to take stuff on the chin.

Is this a plot from eastenders?

you have only one family right now and that is your married family. Respect a good man while you have him. Gossips, parties and drama with extended family - why? why ...just why

She is begging for it.

I think your DH is validly upset here and you need to listen to him.

It definitely was very wrong to involve your inlaws in a dispute with your cousins, sounds very messy and childish.

Unfortunately you laid the bed so i guess you have to wait until he is ready to host them.

What is FIL's reaction likely to be?

Do you all live in the same tiny town? Why were your in-laws involved with your cousin's anyway?
@Boots4me

No you shouldn't.
They listened to you and took your side in it all. Now you want to play happy families like it never happened ,,?

I agree that I can't understand why your inlaws care? Or did you tell them loads of details about how awful your cousins were and now being at a party with them would be like being at a party with puppy murdering child abusers? That's the only way your dh/fil reactions make sense to me.

Can folk stop with the pile on? OP acknowledges she approached this badly

Would be helpful to offer suggestions of how to approach this, rather than endless criticism

Am I the only one who doesn't understand who has fallen out with whom or why?