Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

[Boots4me]

For the past few years there has been a great deal of friction between my family and a set of cousins. The conflict started with our respective parents but soon spread and we've not on speaking terms for years.

During this time I asked my husband and in-laws to keep their distance from them.

However, relationships between us have improved, and I, along with my husband, have been to their home several times this year.

My husband became very agitated when I told him I was planning on inviting them to a party we are hosting because of his parents' reaction - they will also be attending.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Our argument has escalated. He has made it clear he won't attend if they are invited, despite visiting them with me several times, because of his father's reaction.

It will look terrible if I don't invite my cousins as they will be offended when they find out, and they will find out. I feel my husband should be supporting me and not issuing demands because of his father.

All this has a familiar ring.

@Boots4me were you young when you married. Did you live away from home before you married?

Agree with this

If I was told not to speak with someone, I think I would be embarrassed to then speak with them. Given I'm not a schoolchild.

Why haven't you spoken to your FIL to explain that you've made up with your cousins and that you hope that he can forgive you for dragging him into your family's drama?

Did you make allegations against your cousins that made your FIL not want to be in their company? If this is the case can you tell him you were exaggerating?

The way I'm reading it, the UK equivalent is, you feel out with your cousins, your cousins happen to be in laws neighbours/work colleagues/best friends relatives or some such. You said to in laws, please pretend these former acquaintances don't exist. In laws said, we'd rather not. You insisted. In laws relented and pretended they didn't exist.

You got over your drama and are now asking in laws to pretend they exists again. DH would rather in laws just continued pretending the cousins don't exist then having to tell them that you've changed your mind about the very very big thing you asked them to do. Which I imagine the in laws predicted would happen when they initially said no.

I'm team DH here.

I would cancel the party and then have dinner with your in laws and discuss the changes with them and how best to proceed.

No.. it's a mumsnet plot... déjà vu just came over me.

I agree with this and your following post.

But I suspect that because it's a non-british "cultural" issue, neither side can back down without losing face or their family's "honour". Whatever that means...

Have an open and honest conversation with your in laws. Explain your reasons for reconciling with your cousins, apologise for involving them in your dispute and let them know you’d like to invite your cousins to the party but will only do so with their blessing.

If they push back then you need to come clean with your cousins.

Am I really the only one that cannot fathom what the bloody hell is going on in the op?? 🤣🤣

From what I’ve read, Op had some barney with her cousins, and for some unfathomable reason told her in laws to also have a barney with her cousins (though how or why the f* her in laws would even know her cousins is beyond me)

Then op made up with her cousins and they’re all besties again, but she forgot to tell her in laws to stop being angry at her cousins, and now they can’t all be in the same room because of some long forgotten barney between cousins, that actually has nothing to do with the in laws…

Am I close?

And the award for the weirdest post of 2024 goes to……. 🤣

And now you want them to talk to them because it now suits you

YABVU and your husband is right to be annoyed with you

If my partner told me and my parents that they couldn’t talk to someone to suit their argument he would be told where to go

Well then you can understand why your ILs wouldn't want to be at the party.
Not the time to play happy families, bridges need to be built first

There's a huge cultural element that all of these WTF posts are failing to understand.

Yes it's an odd situation to most but I dont you if you realise how many of these posts are giving "kinda racist".

Why though? Have there been scenarios where they’ve interacted socially and your FIL has had to ignore them?

I think you owe an apology to your in laws, explain you’ve reconciled and hope things can be civil moving forward and you won’t involve them in this way again.

Someone just had to say a ‘racist’ element!
Not in my opinion, just ppl not communicating clearly to each other.

There is nothing racist about these posts for goodness sake

Cultural differences or not it’s not on to involve other’s in your business and then expect them to go back on that just because you have changed your mind

There’s always one that goes down this route 🙄

Do you want to explain what culture it is that when you fall out with someone, you make everyone fall out with them?
And then when you decide you want to be friends again you get a strop on because you forget to tell everyone it’s ok to be nice to each other again?

Because that is what the WTFs are about

Did your inlaws have to actively shun your cousins?

Was it obvious to anyone that they did so? I.E. will the cousins actually know?

Surely you explain to your FIL that the need to avoid speaking to them has gone now that the feud is over and all are friendly again. You thank him for following your wishes up until now, and explain that he can treat them in the manner of any acquaintance he barely knows, ie civil to pass comments on the weather whilst next to other at the buffet, then move onto the next group. If your FIL states he will not engage with a guest you've chosen to invite, the onus is on him to not come, I think. Can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Oh I’ve heard it all now.

Post a question on a British website with 8 million monthly users, mostly of British culture, and we are racist for answering honestly.

You know there are lots of different sub cultures in Britain, right? That cultural norms differ by race?

You really just doubled down there.

Yes. We do know this as it’s been the same for ages now.
You can’t call someone a racist because they are using their cultural norms.
Why the hell would anyone say these responses were racist?