Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

[Boots4me]

For the past few years there has been a great deal of friction between my family and a set of cousins. The conflict started with our respective parents but soon spread and we've not on speaking terms for years.

During this time I asked my husband and in-laws to keep their distance from them.

However, relationships between us have improved, and I, along with my husband, have been to their home several times this year.

My husband became very agitated when I told him I was planning on inviting them to a party we are hosting because of his parents' reaction - they will also be attending.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Our argument has escalated. He has made it clear he won't attend if they are invited, despite visiting them with me several times, because of his father's reaction.

It will look terrible if I don't invite my cousins as they will be offended when they find out, and they will find out. I feel my husband should be supporting me and not issuing demands because of his father.

You dragged your husband and his parents into this. It's now super awkward for them. You've blown hot and cold. I would begin lose faith in you and I wouldn't be respectful of your decisions in future. Sorry.

The fact that you got involved in the first place and then dragged others into it suggests that you love the drama. Of course your FIL is now embarrassed - he had no real dog in the fight and he cannot trust that you won’t have another change of mind and leave him looking silly again. Time to live with the natural consequences. Cancel your party or have the party and don’t invite your cousins (perhaps do a soft launch separately with your FIL and aunt, after your FIL has warmed up to the idea of reconciliation) or call your FIL, apologise profusely to him and ask him to attend.

If your cousins and FIL see each other at the party, are they all the type to just get on and act like nothing’s happened or does some sort of awkward apology or acknowledgement need to be made? If the former, you could try to ask your FIL to attend but also ask him to stick his fingers in his ears and sing LA LA LAAA very loudly the minute you ever try to involve him in your drama again.

My mil asked me to block an ex relative on Facebook. I said no. You have been immature and embarrassed your parents in law and now you have to work out how to recover from this. Hint: it’s not done by inviting your cousins to your party and apologies will be needed. From you to in laws in case that’s not really clear. Next time your mum falls out with family, do not go along with it.

Clear as mud

People aren’t psychic. A BIG chunk of information was missing from the opening post.

He's right, it will be embarrassing for him. You've made them do something they wouldn't have done and now things will be awkward for them. You admit you've made a mistake, but asking everyone to pretend it never happened isn't fair. You will have to find a better solution

Well it’s too late now, you did involve them. I’d suck this one up, and not have your cousins there.

This. It seems the wrong call to keep bad feeling going when there has obviously been a lot done to build bridges. Mistakes were made in terms of how the dispute was handled, but this seems a good time now to put the final nails in the coffin of he dispute by rebuilding the relationship between the in laws and cousins. People need to look forward rather than back, and not inviting the cousins would really be a backwards step

You told your husbands family to keep their distance and they have done what you asked out of respect for you. Since then you have changed the boundaries without involving them. Then you expect them to meet up with people that they have basically ignored and just pretend that everything is OK just because it suits you. Sorry but you are being very unreasonable

I’m lost. So your mother is also your cousin? WTF

OP @Boots4me I get it. I've been in similar situations. No idea what you should do but I didn't want to you to feel as alone as some posters may make you feel.

There are some culture specific MN boards e.g. South Asian Mumsnetters where you might get more understanding.

And then you decide to double down on that mistake. He’s a lucky guy.

Cancel the party. Simple.

Yabvu. How incredibly annoying of you to keep changing the goalposts on everyone. This is on you. You drag everyone else into a family dispute, you can’t blame those people for not being able to do a 360 on their feelings.

Jesus what a load of cringey nonsense. Can't stand families who constantly fall out, blank each other and then make up. I give it 2 weeks before you, the cousins or pil all fall out again.