Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

[Boots4me]

For the past few years there has been a great deal of friction between my family and a set of cousins. The conflict started with our respective parents but soon spread and we've not on speaking terms for years.

During this time I asked my husband and in-laws to keep their distance from them.

However, relationships between us have improved, and I, along with my husband, have been to their home several times this year.

My husband became very agitated when I told him I was planning on inviting them to a party we are hosting because of his parents' reaction - they will also be attending.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Our argument has escalated. He has made it clear he won't attend if they are invited, despite visiting them with me several times, because of his father's reaction.

It will look terrible if I don't invite my cousins as they will be offended when they find out, and they will find out. I feel my husband should be supporting me and not issuing demands because of his father.

I don't really get why you would host a party with both sets of family etc knowing there's been this conflict. Presumably you knew it would be awkward for all involved. Your in-laws have stood by you through this, it's not fair to put them or your husband in this position now

What the hell has any of this got to do with your FiL? Do you live in a one 🐴🐎 town? Do you all marry your rellies and your father-in-law is also actually another one of your cousins? Is your surname Capulet?

Very discombobulated.

I wouldn't have invited them to the party in the first place, knowing that there was a history of conflict and that conflict seemingly hasn't been hundred percent resolved if FIL will react badly to them coming.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Well, that’s not true, is it? You know exactly what they expect you to do - you just don’t want to do it.

As others have said, there’s a fairly massive piece of context missing here. I don’t even remember if my BIL even has cousins, let alone have any interest in being involved in disputes with them. As such, I’m sure there must be more to the relationship between your in-laws and your cousins, otherwise this wouldn’t be such a big issue. It’s very difficult to offer useful advice without it.

All I can say is that if your husband is seriously angry about the idea of your cousins coming to this party, shouldn’t that be your priority rather than worrying that they’ll be offended? If you were prepared to not only cut these cousins out of your own life for years, but also ask others to do it, why are you so panicked about offending them now? And if they do get offended, will you be asking your husband and in-laws to go back to ignoring them?

It’s very tedious when any dissent against a poster is blown up into a “pile-on”.

Respect your husband's wishes. It's more important to have his parents present and for them to be comfortable at the party than for you to have your cousins there, who half the time you don't even like and have told everyone else to stay away from. Just because you've changed your mind doesn't mean everyone else has.

If you're not prepared to come clean with your FIL about the mistakes you've made, you'll either have to cancel the party or host a second one.

I’ve been in their shoes. It’s horrendous.

I went away to uni and in my first year away my childhood best friend fell out with a big group of our mutual good friends. It was a horrible fall out and I had no option but to chose to continue being friends with my best friend or all the others. I chose my best friend. I didn’t have a row with the others but we just didn’t speak again.

Two years later (in my third year at uni, I was still living away) she made up with them all and they all became best pals again, hanging out together all the time. However since I was living away I wasn’t part of the make up.

I then moved back home and I was put in the most awkward position. I had to apologise to all these people that Id never had a problem with, never fallen out with, but who I’d cut contact with to side with my best friend. It was never the same, they all went on to be great friends and yet I was the one left feeling awkward, like I’d done something wrong. So I can totally understand how awkward and annoyed your DH and parents are feeling.

I think you need to give it much more time to heal before you try to bring them together at a big social party, in front of lots of people.

This.

But you did. So now you have to deal with it.

If your in-laws aren't going to get along with your cousins, you need to uninvite the cousins and tell them why - that you embarked on a smear campaign against them with your husband and his family. Hopefully they'll be understanding. After the holidays, you need to address it with your in-laws.

God these clannish family feuds.

You should not have involved your ILs , but now they should maybe think ‘thank goodness we can just get on and be civil again’

Although were your ILs expected to freeze out people they were formerly close to? And now expected to smile and nod and make peace in public? They might feel you have made them look like twats.

Maybe you should have introduced the reconciliation more gradually, and not just expected them to come up against people you asked them to blank at your party.

Are the ILs involved in the original cause of the rift?

So happy this isn't my family. Sounds super fucking tiresome.

Tell FIL it was a Poopyhead False Alarm and make sure he understands which cousins are off the Naughty List and back on Nice. But if he still says no givesies no backsies, you're gonna have to have two separate parties - or none. Your husband isn't being unreasonable, for once.

This

Christ on a bike. Your parents and aunts/ uncles get in a fight, you and your cousins get involved. Then you involve your husband AND YOUR IN-LAWS (wtf?). And now your husband is mad because you’ve made up. But you actually made up ages ago but your husband somehow just realised.

Bonkers. All of it

Your entire family sounds completely fucking ridiculous and I'm amazed none of your inlaws laughed in your face years ago.
That said- why would you need to ask your inlaws to 'not speak' to your cousins in the first place, ie why would they ever meet unless through you? Do they live locally, travel in the same social circles?
What has happened between your inlaws and cousins? Have they met, argued, fallen out?
The entire situation sounds like the plot of a soap opera.

In my culture it's customary to know the extended families & my in-laws found out they had common friends with my cousins after my marriage.

It's very difficult to explain to someone who is British - I don't mean this as a slight in anyway, I prefer the British way of pruning family branches.

My family fell out will my cousins (my mother and my aunt) and I asked my DH and his family to not speak to my cousins.

Fuck me. I wasn't a million miles off base. 🤯

This ☝️☝️

Not - my DH is worried about my FIL's reaction. He initially told my DH to not involve him in this matter. My FIL is upset that we involved him and then reconciled with my cousins.
He'll view it as embrassing having to speak to them.

This.
Unfortunately once you got involved and worse, got others involved in your silly dramas, there are consequences.
Fuck around and find out.

I suspected this was some sort of cultural family "honour" thing.

It might have helped yoy get helpful advice if you'd come clean in the first place.

This sort of stupid feud isn't really a thing in the UK otherwise.

You caused the problem - it's on you to solve it...