Marriage for older couple with large wealth disparity

[JustSomeRamdomGuy]

Me and DP have been together for 3½ years. We do not have children together but DP has one child from a previous relationship. I love them both very much.

At the start of the relationship we discussed marriage, and we both agreed it wasn't something we'd ever want, despite being fully committed to each other and considering each other as life partners (neither of use are religious and we're both kind of non-conformist and were not motivated by the tradition).

Recently DP changed her mind on this and has now become adamant that she wants to get married and have completely joint finances, and she will leave me otherwise.

This puts me in quite an uncomfortable situation because of our respective financial situations.

I have had a lucrative but very high stress career. I'm not a particularly money motivated person and have lived frugally all my life. I'm now in a position where I am planning to retire within the next 5-10 years. I have a NW of roughly £1.5M. DP has a good job and earns quite well (very proud of her) but she only has savings of around 70K. And I do out-earn her currently by around 4X.

I've agreed to the marriage on the condition that premarital assets should be off the table if we ever ended up divorcing (of course you don't plan for it, but you never know).

I have no issue with joint finance and sharing all income going forward. That would mean me contributing 3-4X what she would, and that would be "our" money forever no matter what happens (split 50/50 if we separated). All income, pension, inheritance, or whatever else, shared completely from the point of marriage.

For "my" (i.e. the premarital) money, I consider it to be "ours" for as long as we are together. Anything she needs, or her DC needs, she'll have it. If we need a bigger house, I'll pay for it. My only condition is that if she ever leaves me, she doesn't get to take half of it with her. Only in that sense, it's still "mine".

I consider this a pretty good deal for DP. If we stay together as planned, she'd be able to retire in her 50s and we could travel the world together. Even in the unfortunate scenario that we were to split up after a few years, she'd still have done very well out of it financially and be in a good position to do whatever she'd want to do next in life.

But this is not satisfactory for DP. She insists that true commitment means "sharing everything" and that all premarital assets need to be split 50/50 in divorce.

My issue with this is that the "financial commitment" that she sees as being so important, is almost exclusively coming from me. There's no commitment from her because there's no risk for her. She'd end up rich (relative to where she is now) whatever happened. I'd be in a position where I'd lose so much by leaving, but she would lose nothing by leaving.

This doesn't seem fair, or balanced, or equitable, to me. Even disregarding my obvious self interests, it just seems to to be a really bad foundation for a relationship, because of the inevitable power imbalance it would cause.

I think DP should also be considering my needs and security, and be open to an arrangement which benefits us both as a couple and as individuals, without exposing me (and only me) to such risk. If roles were reversed, I'd want to protect my partner so that they could feel completely secure in the relationship.

So my answer is "no", and now she's leaving me.

She thinks I'm "more sacred of losing my money than of losing her". She thinks I'm being overly analytical and "treating it like a business deal". She says I shouldn't even be thinking about it as losing "my" money, because it's all "our" money anyway. She says she'd rather be alone for the rest of her life than be with someone who won't share everything with her.

So, AIBU?

I would say, talk to a lawyer rather than a bunch of anonymous and irresponsible randoms on the internet, but it seems to be too late for that: she's left, right?

We've done 3½ years, never actually lived together (wanted to but were unable to due to circumstances outside our control), and spent most of the last year in couple's counselling.
We're not currently in a place where we should be talking about marriage at all in my opinion.

Oh no, no no. No, no, no. No. Massive red flags.

She sounds greedy and entitled (and that's putting it mildly). Why should she benefit from all your hard work??

Plus, relationships are not supposed to be this hard. Why are you in couples counselling?

Why have you never lived together?

I'd be taking a massive step back.

I'm in the same position as a woman and there is no way on God's green earth I'll get married, I'd rather end the relationship. I have to think about my son. He is more important than a partner.
I,m not giving half of my son's inheritance to a man should we get divorced.
Marriage is a contract so yes it is a business deal basically.

No love is worth risking 1.5 million for.

When people get together young and have shared experience building wealth and maybe children together it is completely different. DH and I earned very similar levels when we got together. Roll on 30 years and he earns double.

Do married men really need someone to organise their social life, community, friends etc? I would call that a very controlling woman or a weak man!

@JustSomeRamdomGuy

You've only been together 3 1/2 years??? Oh hell no! You don't live together? Double HELL NO! And you're in relationship counseling?? TRIPLE HELL NO!!

IMHO, she's blackmailing you; "Cut me into your money or I will leave you". She may say "if you love me you would" but I'd counter "if you loved me you wouldn't ask". Just remember 'never give in to a blackmailer, they'll always come back for more'.

You'd be a fool to marry this woman when things are so shaky. How do you know she's not planning on marrying you, sitting for a few years, then taking you to the cleaners? If you lived where I do (US) I'd tell you to get a prenup, but I understand they're not enforceable in the UK, they just serve as a 'guideline' in a divorce and I doubt very much if she'd stick to the agreement anyway in the event of a divorce.

You've made your position clear; 'joint income going forward, premarital assets held separately'. If you were in a solid relationship I might say that's not unreasonable. Have you actually spoken to a solicitor about this? Because you certainly should clarify the how 'legally binding' any idea you might come up with is.

At my stage of life I'd NEVER do joint finances. But then again, if I were to become single again I'd never cohabit nor marry again so that's a moot point.

OMG OP, DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!

Why is she suddenly so keen to get married and share finances? You don't have children together, so unless you are devoutly religious there is absolutely no reason.

I can't believe she threatened to leave you if you don't marry her.

Spoiler: she's a manipulative, gold digging bitch

Let her leave. You deserve better.

I'm very grateful to everyone that has taken the time to share advice here.

Having said that, there are definitely some overactive imaginations here. No, she's not going to murder me and take the money. No, she hasn't got a secret lover that's putting her up to it. No, she's not a gold digger who's been planning the whole thing for the last 3 years. She doesn't even know how much money I have.

We clearly have different values, and the situation very sadly looks irretrievable at this point. But underneath, we are both good people who have shared many many happy times together, and I wish her nothing but the best for the future.

I'd ask people to please be kind in your comments and avoid name calling and conjecture. It's actually quite upsetting to read.

I was ready to disagree with you when I started reading but actually your suggestion sounds completely fair. She seems to have a hidden agenda. Much lower amounts than in your case, but I paid for the deposit on mine and DH first house and we have a 'declaration of trust' against this money. It's sensible and only fair.

I thought the same as everyone else until you said she doesn’t know how much you have - is it at all possible that she thinks that your wealth is not dissimilar and therefore doesn’t see why you are making a fuss (in her eyes) ? Not that I want you to clutch at straws ! It doesn’t sound like you should be marrying one another at all at the moment . Relations really aren’t meant to be so hard OP . Yes there are rocky moments and arguments - we are all human after all - but not like this

She doesn't even know how much money I have.

Are you sure about that? Why else is she suddenly so keen to get married after previously not wanting to?

She's found out OP. Don't be a mug.

OP, I mean this kindly, but I think you are upset because you don't want to accept the reality of the situation.

If someone threatens to leave you if you don't do XYZ then that is a massive red flag. It sounds abusive.

I think you need to challenge her on exactly why she has suddenly changed her mind about getting married. Suddenly it's a 'top priority', after previously agreeing that it's not important at all. That's not normal, it's highly suspicious.

@JustSomeRamdomGuy, please.

To be 3.5 years into a relationship and already had a year of couples counselling suggests that you and your partner are not a good enough match for the relationship to be heading towards marriage.

The discussions and ultimatum further indicates that you and she have conflicting expectations. It seems that she is unwilling to compromise. Which is always a bad sign. Once you give in your will be expected to do that again and again. The ability to compromise is an crucial factor in successful relationships/marriages.

I get that you like/love your partner. But you need to realise that love is not enough to overcome what looks like fundamental incompatibility.

Love does not conquer all.

Compatibility is way more important.

From what you have said, there is more than than a wealth disparity, there is a disparity of values.

I think that you have clearly ignored red flags either through wanting things to work out regardless.

Needing to have couples counselling, starting two threads on MN, plus receiving an ultimatum within this relationship are not the ingredients that will lead to a loving happy marriage.

Is there a way to maintain the current status quo? Enjoy the relationship but there's no need to change the status by living together etc if it is the cause of friction.

I know a couple in near enough exact same position , seriously they were a lovely couple until marriage was on the cards

Both looking to their second marriages, both with adult children. He had his own business and is pretty well off, she on NMW. He already had to make huge payments to wife no 1 and was obviously wanting to protect what he had rebuilt for his children, she wanted a complete 50/50. He refused, she walked

My own mother not only took dad for everything, then went and married a divorced man who had a sole daughter and because when he died, he had been putting together a will, he died intestate and mum copped the lot - including family heirlooms . His daughter and granddaughter were left nothing, not even a photograph album :( ( hopefully when mum passes I can change that )

Dont do it and if you really want to marry this woman, get proper legal advice

Sorry havent read the thread but had to reply from my own life experience

When someone tries to manipulate you by saying 'you obviously care more about the money then you do me' whilst saying they will leave if you don't marry them and share all your assets, it is. Lear that they are both disingenuous and manipulative.

The person showing the greatest focus on the money is her

I see dear Poster, that she is just a normal woman and she wants a normal marriage not partial marriage. But since she dislikes you , why pestering her - you are waving your wills at each other and she even does not want to live with you but want a marriage .....how is this realistic

Why on earth have you got a £800k life insurance policy when you are not married, don’t live with a partner and don’t have any kids?

Did she encourage you to get that huge policy for her as well or did you have it before?

Please read @LetGoLetThem1234 's post again and again @JustSomeRamdomGuy . She's put it calmly and logically, and not unkindly.

This is a very strange ultimatum that has come out of nowhere, and I think you need to realise that it means that you and she do indeed have different values.

Relationships are rarely straightforward. Someone can make you happy in many ways, but the few ways that they don't (or might not) can be much more significant. And in this situation I think that's the case.

Good Lord 😳

I would not ever give up my financial security and the ability to retire "young" to somebody who I've known 3.5 years who I've never lived with and where we needed couples counselling two years in. Just think, if you divorce, her expectation is that she will take half of everything you've spent your lifetime acquiring. Your financial security, half your house, half your superannuation etc will be going to her.

I've been happily married for decades but my investments are legally my own separate property.

She is a gold digger. When If you get divorced, she will take you to the cleaners.

Proceed at your peril.

If you are in England & Wales, there's no such thing as a "fully legal prenup". It's a factor to be taken into account, but a court can over-rule it.

I agree with this.

I woundn’t risk my assets in this marriage, even with a pre-nup.

If the spouse gives up their job and lives off the working spouse, the judge is going to take their lack of earnings and savings into account.

It would be difficult to argue the spouse voluntarily gave up their job because in theory it could be coercion to stay at home.

If you’ve spent most of your 3.5yrs in couple counselling then you definitely shouldn’t be considering marriage. Let her go, I bet she will be back, but send her packing.

Actually the laws surrounding prenuptial agreements have changed considerably and will often be upheld these day in the UK