Marriage for older couple with large wealth disparity

[JustSomeRamdomGuy]

Me and DP have been together for 3½ years. We do not have children together but DP has one child from a previous relationship. I love them both very much.

At the start of the relationship we discussed marriage, and we both agreed it wasn't something we'd ever want, despite being fully committed to each other and considering each other as life partners (neither of use are religious and we're both kind of non-conformist and were not motivated by the tradition).

Recently DP changed her mind on this and has now become adamant that she wants to get married and have completely joint finances, and she will leave me otherwise.

This puts me in quite an uncomfortable situation because of our respective financial situations.

I have had a lucrative but very high stress career. I'm not a particularly money motivated person and have lived frugally all my life. I'm now in a position where I am planning to retire within the next 5-10 years. I have a NW of roughly £1.5M. DP has a good job and earns quite well (very proud of her) but she only has savings of around 70K. And I do out-earn her currently by around 4X.

I've agreed to the marriage on the condition that premarital assets should be off the table if we ever ended up divorcing (of course you don't plan for it, but you never know).

I have no issue with joint finance and sharing all income going forward. That would mean me contributing 3-4X what she would, and that would be "our" money forever no matter what happens (split 50/50 if we separated). All income, pension, inheritance, or whatever else, shared completely from the point of marriage.

For "my" (i.e. the premarital) money, I consider it to be "ours" for as long as we are together. Anything she needs, or her DC needs, she'll have it. If we need a bigger house, I'll pay for it. My only condition is that if she ever leaves me, she doesn't get to take half of it with her. Only in that sense, it's still "mine".

I consider this a pretty good deal for DP. If we stay together as planned, she'd be able to retire in her 50s and we could travel the world together. Even in the unfortunate scenario that we were to split up after a few years, she'd still have done very well out of it financially and be in a good position to do whatever she'd want to do next in life.

But this is not satisfactory for DP. She insists that true commitment means "sharing everything" and that all premarital assets need to be split 50/50 in divorce.

My issue with this is that the "financial commitment" that she sees as being so important, is almost exclusively coming from me. There's no commitment from her because there's no risk for her. She'd end up rich (relative to where she is now) whatever happened. I'd be in a position where I'd lose so much by leaving, but she would lose nothing by leaving.

This doesn't seem fair, or balanced, or equitable, to me. Even disregarding my obvious self interests, it just seems to to be a really bad foundation for a relationship, because of the inevitable power imbalance it would cause.

I think DP should also be considering my needs and security, and be open to an arrangement which benefits us both as a couple and as individuals, without exposing me (and only me) to such risk. If roles were reversed, I'd want to protect my partner so that they could feel completely secure in the relationship.

So my answer is "no", and now she's leaving me.

She thinks I'm "more sacred of losing my money than of losing her". She thinks I'm being overly analytical and "treating it like a business deal". She says I shouldn't even be thinking about it as losing "my" money, because it's all "our" money anyway. She says she'd rather be alone for the rest of her life than be with someone who won't share everything with her.

So, AIBU?

As someone going through a very difficult divorce and we don't even have much money I would say protect yourself at all costs. The courts are all about being fair in divorces now and even though I put the deposit in to our current property because I didn't do any thing to protect it, I don't get anything back In return unless I pay a fortune I don't have to go to court. 🤬

The more you say about this relationship, the worse it sounds.

She’s brazen! She’s not even being sneaky about it. Crikey.

I am sympathetic to your situation, but unable to help. We earned everything we have during our marriage. I earned more at the start and less after DC but we have both contributed, just never equally in the same years. Starting a new relationship I would be protecting my past earnings for my DC. If you don't have DC, I think I'd be more happy go lucky about where my money went.

Just to put forward another perspective;

It is likely that she will build your home, your social life, community, friends etc - ie "life" whilst you're working all hours. And if you split up, given the very clearly stated disparity in incomes, she'll likely lose all of this as she won't be able to buy you out of your joint home (whereas you will, and will get to stay in the lovely joint home, community, friends that she had worked hard to create).

This is precisely why I would never in a million years agree to what you're proposing.

If you've never lived together and you spend one year of your 3.5 year long relationship in therapy, I don't think you should be talking about marriage at all.

It's strange she seemed to be so aggressive and in a rush about the marriage topic.

Please don't buy a house with this woman. On a previous post you wrote she was unsure if she even wanted to be with you. So many red flags.

Given your last update, I've no idea why you are even asking us what we think. It's so obvious that marrying this woman would be madness.

If she truly loves you why would she be so concerned about how much money she would gain if you ever divorced? This is not something that ever crossed my mind when I married. There is absolutely no way I would marry anyone without living with them.

@JustSomeRamdomGuy I'm sorry I disagree, it was almost identical and everybody told you then not to marry her and all the advice you had then is repeated here. I don't know what you think is going to be different. I mean this kindly, but you're being a bloody idiot. I appreciate you love her children and there is nothing to stop you leaving money to them if you so wish but her motive is absolutely not pure and as I've said a hundred times you'd be making a very big mistake.

Call her bluff. She sounds a bit of a gold digger.

That's an awful lot of assumptions you're making just because she's a woman!

I think your instincts are spot on here. She's pushing for the better deal.

I'm sorry, but better you find out now. I'd be saying "Don't let the door hit you on the way out".

I have a NW of roughly £1.5M. DP has a good job and earns quite well (very proud of her) but she only has savings of around 70K. And I do out-earn her currently by around 4X.

*We've done 3½ years, never actually lived together (wanted to but were unable to due to circumstances outside our control), and spent most of the last year in couple's counselling.

We're not currently in a place where we should be talking about marriage at all in my opinion.*

So your relationship is in crisis which is why she is trying to lock in not just the continuing relationship but a legal hold on your £1.5m. She's realised what her future looks like without you in it and only earning only a quarter of what you do. No early retirement in her 50s and traveling the world if you split up.

But I would also say you are possibly a bit naive with your expectations. How do you split finances now? Presumably she can't really afford the type of holidays you go on now. Do you 'treat' her to them? Are they your choice re timing, location etc? As the higher earner holding the purse strings, are dates and activities all what you want to do? I would hate that feeling of being a kept woman having to do what you want to do as you were treating me.

You say you would leave your money to her children if you stayed together. Are you older than her? Men have a shorter life expectancy than women so what would happen if you died prematurely in another decade or two? You leave your money to her kids and she spends the last 10-15 years of her life in poverty while possibly kicked out of the home she shared with you. If you love someone and want to have a future with them it can't be entirely on your terms. Their financial security should also be important to you. You don't want to share your wealth 50/50 but what do you think is reasonable provision to make for her now, if you are together for 10 years, 20 etc.

This is all a bit of a moot point. Pre-nups don’t hold up in court and should you divorce, you can go to court and a judge will make a fair award. Considering you don’t have children and her earnings have not been impacted by the marriage, it’s extremely unlikely she’d be awarded 50% of pre-marriage assets anyway.

If she said this then chances are she is staying because of the lifestyle it provides her.

If you agree to marry her she'll likely 'fall out of love' relatively quickly and try to disappear into the sunset with £750k of your money.

What’s an NW? National wage? Nominal worth? North west?

hate the abbreviations with no explanation.

Wow, grabby and she’s not even hiding it. And the relationship isn’t going well so she wants half of what you have so she can walk with cash for life.

let her go. Wave her goodbye. She’s trying to manipulate you, and you know it.

Net worth?

DO NOT MARRY HER, she is far too money oriented.

This is blatantly not fair. Best let her go then, you've made the right decision.

Sorry but that's a pile of rubbish about not being committed or trusting each other completely.
You walk into marriage with your eyes open and consider all the risks. Why should op be financially worse off in the event his wife has an affair and leaves him. Life happens and yours a pretty nieve post.

Do not marry her - or anyone

I think you sound very fair. She seems to be making herself look like a gold digger.

So in 31/2 years you don’t live together and need counselling .

This does not make me think it is a relationship that is destined to last .