AIBU to think my idea of Christmas Day isn’t miserable at all?

[Brandysauce]

DH and I have a three year old and, now they’re old enough to really set out “our” Christmas Day traditions, have been constantly disagreeing on the order of Christmas Day. I have extremely fond memories (as we all do) of the way I did it growing up and think it makes great sense on the day re. presents. This is my proposal:

Stocking from Father Christmas opened first thing in the morning, brought into parents’ room and ripped open in excitement. This will consist of at least one “really exciting” present that will entertain them all morning.

Later on, the family all convene for Christmas Dinner which can stretch on for a while, all the family are there including cousins.

After lunch, the whole family moves to the living room by the Christmas tree and then the main present opening begins, taking in turns.

My DH says this is a “miserable” way of doing Christmas and that we should let DC open all presents in the morning. AIBU to want to put my foot down on this?

DH’s family separate the gifts too - Santa in the morning and family gift exchange in the afternoon. And I was horrified too, but in practice it worked wonderfully.
I do more than a stocking - the big ticket gift comes from Santa, and I always included some of my own choices that would keep them occupied.

The family gift exchange didn’t have the same level of excited anticipation. But it filled a spot in the day when they were getting bored. We did it before serving dinner, and it meant they had something new to do after dinner, so the adults could have seconds, and thirds in peace.

There was much more emphasis on them giving gifts, and seeing the pleasure on grandparents faces to receive them. Time to talk about what they made. Time to be curious about what everyone else got. Gifts from relatives don’t get lost in the frenzy of tearing off paper. When they get something, everyone takes an interest for a few moments. I had to experience it in my in-laws house to appreciate how lovely the tradition is.

When they were little, I put gifts for other people under the tree and we’d talk about what was in them, and whether they would like them etc. I only put theirs under on Christmas Eve, telling them clearly that they’d get to open them just before dinner, so the expectations were clear. Yes, they pressed their case a little but it really wasn’t a big deal. There was no torture or tears. Dd is 15 now and still tries to convince me to let her open her gifts right now, looking for that same gentle, firm “no, we have to wait” because it’s comforting and traditional. We’ll probably be repeating this exchange when she’s my age.

My advice is to try it and see. At 3 your ds won’t care if it’s different this year or next. If you don’t like it, you can do it your way next year.

This is a hilarious post.
Anyone who does things differently from me is a working class cretin...

Another vote here for saying you're being unreasonable to make them wait that long...
Growing up, we used to have stockings upstairs often taking some or all into parent's room to open. Then downstairs for breakfast and getting some of the morning jobs done necessary for Christmas lunch (so checking on turkey and that it was cooking/ready to cook, vegetables had usually been peeled and left in water but might need a bit more chopping up for cooking etc. plus clear away breakfast stuff, lay table for lunch etc). Would then have an hour or two to enjoy opening presents around the tree and start to enjoy the presents, but also for mum to nip off and do anything that needed doing for lunch - towards the end might have a few nibbles and a quick sherry to get into the spirit of things.

Then a break for lunch and the queen's speech, then more presents - if we had guests that would be when we opened the presents from and to them, so you could say an immediate thank you and see what everyone gets. Then gently play with presents and maybe put the big xmas day movie on the tv for those that want to watch/doze while others can play with their prezzies.

Was nice way to split the day up to get some prezzies but not all at once. Sister's family did it BIL's way - in hindsight it was an early sign of his controlling nature and demanding autocratic views that there was only one way to do things that was right and that was his way. No little stockings in the morning before breakfast, just big presents and straight to under the tree mode, often before breakfast. Often meant that dsis missed out on watching it as she would have to go and do some of the getting ready for lunch but BIL didn't care as he got to watch and he wanted to go out farming later on so obviously it was much more important that he could do both... Plus kids would be anxious to get into presents - and hungry. not a good combination,

Sis used to say it meant she didn't need to buy a little stocking so saved the expense - but I never spent that much on stockings anyway, plus ended up having a much nicer day that she did (or we did when staying at hers for Xmas day).

I would look again at your plans and consider a compromise with DH - do stockings in bed before breakfast, have a nice breakfast and get ready for lunch, so build in a little time for anticipation but not too much - then have some presents under the tree, call a break while you go and do some cooking etc while they play with what they have, then have lunch and you can have a part 2 of opening presents and watching - you can stack the tree so that the things you want to be opened last are at the bottom or leave them in a different room to be brought through. That way you both get a bit of what you want and it's not your traditional way of doing things, not his traditional way of doing things, but a way that is special for BOTH of you and your dc - and it becomes YOUR tradition!

It's also a nice way to do it as it's flexible so over the years as you end up doing different things, you're still able to flex your tradition to work for you, just by varying the way you split the presents between the morning and afternoon (and indeed into Boxing Day if you have so many kids or presents that it works better some years). And remember to relax and enjoy the day!

Well there's no right answer. There's no 'right' way to do Christmas Day. The issue is that you have to compromise.

For example, when I was growing up, presents were gradually added under the tree as December went on. But for DH nothing was under the tree until they came down on Christmas morning. So we decided to try his way last year and the kids really found it exciting so we'll keep it. Likewise, I always did stockings but he never did, but they were important to me so now we do them. You take a bit of each other's traditions and make new ones together depending on what is important to each person.

Personally I like doing presents first, but we don't do Christmas dinner till pretty late, usually 4 anyway. We do stockings on our bed first thing, then downstairs to see if Santa's been and left a present for them, then round the tree (I usually make myself a coffee while DH organises the kids!) and open one thing at a time. We take our time as we don't need to rush. We usually pause for some brunch. They then play with new stuff while DH and I sort food, which is usually somewhere between 3 and 4. So 'after lunch' for us is kind of 5pm onwards, when we do cracker games (bowling this year!), watch the Julia Donaldson Christmas show (or Wallace and Gromit this year too!), eat some choccies, play a game and get kids ready for bed. So not much time to fill! I can't say I've ever struggled to fill time on Christmas Day with two young kids and all their presents to play with!

Surely they don’t have the gifts from you until you see them? DD certainly won’t have anything from grand parents or auntys/uncles until we see them at 10am.

But DD will have opened her presents from Santa and us, and we will have done our presents prior to going to my mums.

Then we do it all again and there’s 7 of us doing piles of presents and it’s carnage round 2 😂. This year there’s 3 dogs and a 9mo. I can’t wait!

presents from friends/wider family/secret Santa will be done Boxing Day.

I’m completely on your team OP! We always opened stockings in the morning, helped prepare lunch, ate it then had presents in the afternoon. It makes the day much more special having something still to look forward to, rather than the anticlimax of all presents being open by 9am. I also hate the idea of kids opening presents in a frenzy all at once, so no one gets to see their carefully chosen gift being opened and enjoyed.

In adulthood there has been a bit of pressure, depending on whom I’m spending Christmas with, to open presents earlier, but I’ve always resisted! While letting everyone else do what suits them, of course.

Our family were the same with birthdays, too - presents saved to have with cake and tea after school. Much more fun to know they were waiting for me at home!

When cousins are saying "I must have been really good this year, Santa gives the best behaved children more presents!" as they open up HUGE piles, sackfuls of gifts while your own child has a modest stocking, when your own child struggles with SEN and feeling shit about themselves already as a result, you definitely get the fucking angst.

Fair enough, that's quite specific to you and I'm sorry you have a tough situation. Not how all children react so neither of us have a universal experience.

We had Christmas exactly the same way OP, and neither me nor my sister felt particularly hard done by 😆 stocking in the morning, lunch at some point, then main present opening whilst watching Christmas TOTP and whatever other miscellaneous Christmas telly! Then later on, cheese, crumpets, crisps and dip, mince pies etc until in food coma. Loved it!

This is what I think too. December is a whole month of Christmas hype and waiting for children. I don't really see the need for further waiting on the actual day itself.

Why don't they just open some in morning and save some for later? Then you both get what you want in some way.

The one thing I guess that has changed over the years are that presents for children as they get older tend to be more technology based. There is nothing like trying to set up an xbox or an ipad with that christmas day pressure that all the shops are shut or spending the day building toys and realising you have run out of batteries. For that reason alone I don't think I could put us through waiting until after dinner, I think I had to call my brother on Christmas day morning to help me with the xbox set up.
After doing all that, then cooking and maybe a board game or out for a walk later on, setting up the xbox early seemed like one of my better ideas.
I actually have really positive memories of my childhood christmases, but they didn't work for my children for various reasons and don't see a reason to be precious about them. It has to be what works for us all.

For me, spreading the presents out, extends the magic, not diminishes it. If children know there’s more presents later, then there’s something to look forward to.

But, has this been your family's tradition since Victorian Times? ...

I have to admit, Dsis and I used to check what each of us were taking to our DPs so our DC had roughly the same amount of presents to open, if we were planning on taking more, their stocking present pile got bigger, if we were taking less, we took a few things out of their stocking to add to the afternoon opening presents.

DP's family do it your way OP and while the sentiment is lovely I have to say I find the extended opening of presents mind numbingly boring. Gifts are opened and handed around every single person to be examined and admired .There are very few children involved and maybe 10 adults and it literally takes hours to get through the presents. Everything is wrapped even if it's just a satsuma or a bar of chocolate. I hate it and dread it every year.

I don't think either of your ideas of Christmas presents opening is unreasonable. They are just different. As a child growing up, my parents followed your dh's way. If we went to my grandparents it was done your way.

I do find the statement about putting your foot down as highly unreasonable regardless of whether it is meant lightheartedly or not.

It is selfish, obstructive and frankly childish. Presenting your dh with what amounts to my way or the highway ultimatums is massively unfair.

There isnsurely a middle ground here that mixes both options. Why not have stockings in the bedroom, then 2-3 presents to open before lunch. Have your lunch and then open the rest of the gifts?

We did it your way as children OP. My parents always made sure we had something like a game in our stocking that would keep us occupied until Christmas dinner. The main presents were opened, in turns, after dinner. As a child it made the whole day exciting.

I've never managed to do this with my kids though as the ExH wouldn't agree. So all presents are opened at around 8am (used to be a lot earlier when they were younger).

This is exactly how Christmases were when I was growing up, @Brandysauce, and it is what we did with our dses, when they were kids. Though we didn't take turns opening presents, in the afternoon - everyone got given their pile of presents, and then usually dh and I watched the boys open their presents, before opening ours.

We did once go to stay with some friends for Christmas, and they did all the present opening before church in the morning, and I found that the afternoon was rather 'flat' as a result - nothing left to look forward to, other than vegging in front of the TV.

I would explain to your dh that doing things this way will spread out the excitement over more of the day for your dc, and that opening everything first thing could be very overwhelming for them.

And maybe you could suggest doing it your way this year, and seeing if it works, and then trying his way next year - that way you can both see what works best for you and your family.

No idea sorry we're not that refined here.

We did it OP's way when I was a child. My parents' rationale was that spreading things out meant that each present was more likely to be looked at properly/immediately played with, rather than just opened and tossed aside to make way for the next one. I'm sure either way can work for different families and contexts, but it certainly wasn't abusive or other ridiculous things said above.

To be fair it's pretty universal that rightly or wrongly "being good" is linked in to the presents from Santa, and pretty normal for different families to have different budgets regarding presents for various reasons.

Not every child would be as obnoxious about it as the PP describes, but I would imagine that some children will be feeling pretty rubbish in many homes where all presents are opened together due to this reason. Why run that risk, when it's so easily avoided?

It reads like a script

Yabu if I did this to my kids all I would hear all day is can we open our presents yet every 2 minutes. In our house we get up open presents, selection box for breakfast, play with new toys, sit down for lunch then play games in the afternoon then do a buffet for tea

People in this thread keep saying "we do it like you OP" and then listing all the ways they don't in fact do it like OP. Opening presents through the day, open "Father Christmas" presents in the morning and family ones when they arrive, waiting until afternoon but not insisting on everyone taking turns to open things etc. OP wants to just do the stockings in the morning and leave every other present (except one apparently good one that fits in a stocking) until the dragged out process of the whole extended family taking it in turns to open them after a long lunch.

Your way of doing it sounds awful to me, OP. Just because you didn't mind it as a child, doesn't mean your child will also not mind it. It does sound particularly mean when they're only 3. When they're older you can ask their opinions rather than just insisting if something was fine for you it will be fine for them.

Good luck with your plan. Unfortunately all the best plans are likely to disappoint.
Enforcing happiness is likely to fall at the first hurdle.
Someone else will have other ideas about what they want to do, they will not adhere to your plan and there will be conflict.
Children will be impatient, perhaps someone will be unwell or drink too much.
Like others have said your comment about putting your foot down does seem a little authoritarian... perhaps chill a little.